We’ve all done it, to a degree. Some only briefly, while others develop a habit of sorts. What am I talking about? To commit the relationship “sin” of being controlling and obsessive toward your boyfriend or girlfriend. Perhaps this particular “sin” is why you now find yourself single.

This behaviour often begins to take shape around the short to mid-term stages of dating, right at the point where you find yourself most “in-love” and the happiest you’ve ever been. A common sign is that you’ll spend as much time together as damn near possible. Outsiders will look in and think, “yuck!” although I’m sure they, too, have been where you are, or will do. But I digress. The issue is this; the thought of losing him or her, perhaps to another, terrifies you so completely that you lose all sense of proportion (and sometimes dignity, too.)

That’s When The Monster Takes Hold…

It is quite probable that, at this point, your focus on the world got real narrow, and almost exclusively fixated on your (now ex) partner. You may not have realized it, but he or she became your whole world and, as hard as this is to accept, in your obsession you traded in all sense of perspective. In a sense, you became a different version of yourself.

If I were a betting man, I’d wager that you soon developed unhealthy “notions” about your ex, and other people around you. And unfortunately, it’s quite likely you saw things that were not really there, almost as though your rational mind took frequent short-breaks. For example, you might be out together, say clubbing, but you won’t like how other guys or girls are looking at your ex. You hate that they might see what you do, or that they are “undressing your ex with their eyes,” flirting…and wait, is your ex encouraging it? Ah…maybe, maybe not. The point is, you are not coming from a stable place to judge because of the extremely narrow view you’ve adopted.

As a result of your obsessive and controlling behaviour, your ex will have felt suffocated. Desperately seeking breathing space, they may become distant with you, but in your state this only makes you more clingy, and so you further suffocate your boyfriend or girlfriend until they can’t take it any more and breakup with you. Does that sound at all familiar? While the specifics will be unique for you and your situation, the outline will be true for many.

When the person you love becomes your “one and all,” in the unhealthy sense, the damage potential for yourself is much greater. If he or she was “all your world” and more, then to be abandoned by them, to no longer be intimate with them…or the thought they might be intimate with another? Ouch. It’s hard enough to go through this under normal conditions, all rejection hurts; but from an emotionally unbalanced, obsessive and controlling state…you feel an even greater, more exaggerated loss. Do you see now the unfortunate position you find yourself in?

Two Paths After You Broke Up

When your ex felt crowded by you, which may have been for a while, the smartest thing to have done at the breakup point, is to give them the space they so desire. By extension, the worst thing you could have done would be to increase your intensity and crowd him or her further. The former removes stress from the situation, creating space and opportunity for a willing return. The latter adds stress, causes more damage, and pushes them even further away with more resolve to stay away.

It’s cruel, but out of the 2 paths above, which do you think is the more popular? Yes, it’s the 2nd. I’ve already said I’m not a betting man…but odds are good that you also chose the 2nd path, calling and texting your ex multiple times each day, adding pressure to the situation rather than taking it away. The thing is, you’re only acting and behaving in the manner you feel most natural. You are not forcing yourself. You’re driven to do it by your volatile emotions which are bubbling away under the surface. It’s miserable, but you are suffering great pain and the breakup has sent your life into a spin. Bottom-line: it’s not reasonable to expect anyone under your conditions to act any different without a strong prod or two in the right direction.

Your Next Steps

Almost irrespective of what you’ve done up till now, there’s still the chance you both will reunite again into a stronger couple, without either of you displaying those aforementioned unhealthy traits. What that chance will be, though, depends largely on what you do next. Will you prepare, soak up critical knowledge, and action what you learn? Those who do, greatly increase their chance of success. And not just in getting back together, but in staying together too.

The obvious place to start is on the unhealthy obsessiveness you have with your ex. Naturally, you first want to cease contacting him or her, and give them the space they need. Space here includes emails and text messages. This step requires willpower, and some of you may even refuse to do it at all! I won’t say “ignore this at your peril,” though I might think it (wink.)

Following the above, you might want to try and turn down the “my ex is everything,” dial, and turn up the “me and the rest of the world,” dial. You want to widen your focus a little, so you no longer hold that narrow-view of only your ex. It is quite likely that in the process of narrowing your view on him or her, you excluded your friends and family from your life. Well, now is your opportunity to reverse this unfortunate side-effect. At this fragile time in your life, you want to have friends and family around you.

Weaning yourself off your ex is no easy task. It is a tendency after the breakup to hold a better-than-reality version of your ex in your mind. What about you, are you glossing over many of their not-so-ideal aspects? This really doesn’t help your cause. As such, some people find it helpful to purposely identify all the bad points of their ex, even going so far as to write a list they can later refer to. Having a little reminding of how “normal” they are can really help address this common phenomenon.

It’s crucial you get control of your emotions if you are to succeed in both winning your ex back, and keeping them. Many couples reunite, but those who do not resolve the original problem(s) are likely to find themselves single again. And fast. Make certain this is not you.

Michael Fulmer writes for undoabreakup.com where he provides, among other things, ex back advice for the suddenly-single at http://undoabreakup.com/blog/

We were asked to write an essay back in high school, with the topic, “Who will you choose? The one you love or the one who loves you?” After we wrote it, the class had a debate about who will they choose. Many answered they will choose the one they love. The teacher asked, “what if that person doesn’t love you?” We were floored, as most of us were at a lost for words.

Years later, until now, I still don’t know the answer to it. Will I choose the one I love or the one who loves me? I found myself asking this question because I’m torn between two guys: my long-time best friend, whom I really love, and a guy who loves me. The guy who loves me treats me well and cares for me, but the guy I love is only learning how to open up his heart to me. He is stubborn and self-centered. He is also my best friend.

The guy I love, I’ve been with him since we were little, and we’re like buddies. Then I found myself falling for him. I tried to send signals to him, but he never noticed it. Then this other guy came, and we started dating. My best friend started to drift apart from me. One day, I confronted him about it. He said he can’t bear to see me with another guy. He said he likes me more than a friend. I got mad at him, saying that when I was the one liking him, I was sending signals to him, but he never really noticed it, and tried to push me away. I told him I was tired of this game, and walked away from him.

Now I’m really confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m still dating the other guy, but I’m not talking anymore with the other guy. I miss my best friend so much. I realized he still weighs more in my heart than the other guy. I wish he’ll come up to me one day. Only then will I truly realize what my heart wants to tell me, then I will follow my heart.

I’m afraid to give you my all, I’m afraid to love you completely. But the truth is I have given you my all, And I do love you completely there is no other person I want more than I want you.. and the reason it always comes down to losing you is because I’m so deeply afraid of losing you.

I love you because I know you’re always there… there to catch me when I fall… there to listen when I need you, there when I feel alone. I love you because you understand me… you know how I feel even when I can’t say it… you know I’m not as strong as I say and still you never let me know that I’m not fooling you. I love you because you make me believe, believe that I am not worthless… believe that i am worth it.. that I am beautiful, because when I’m with you i feel like the prettiest girl in the world..believe that I can be loved, am loved, and can love others. I love you because you know, you know I feel this way but can’t say it and still you wait… letting me take my time to come to terms with the fact that I love you… would give my life up to be with you… and above all… never hurt you… lie to you… or leave you. Now I hope you understand.

Do you want to know what my problem is? I will tell you what my problem is, I LOVE YOU I love your name, I love the way you look at me, I love your amazing smile, I love the way you walk, I love your eyes, I love what you look like when you are asleep, I love the sound of your laugh, to hear your voice fills my entire heart with an indescribable feeling. I love the way I can be having the worst day of my life and seeing you completely changes my mood. I love how when you touch me I get weak, that is my problem…

Maybe it’s the way you grab my hand and hold it… or the way you kiss me… or maybe it’s the way you let me put my arms around you… maybe it’s the way you look at me… and your smile just makes me melt… maybe it’s the way we can text for hours about absolutely nothing but I still feel like I just had the best conversation of my whole life… maybe it’s the way that I want to break down and cry when I think about how you hold me up on a pedestal… maybe that’s it… that makes me want you so much.. maybe that’s what makes me miss you so much.. maybe that’s why I’m so afraid of losing you.. maybe your my world.. maybe when you touch me, hold me, look at me, even when your around me I’m happy maybe you are just the most amazing thing in the world.. maybe I love you with all my heart..
The truth is you make me happy.. I fall more in love with you every day (:
Kevin Cody Wyatt you have my heart <3

Since you Broke up Is your personal life in an uproar? how is your self esteem? you feeling a little less confident than normal? Nearly everyone has room for self improvement . Granted some need  it more than others do…..  I wonder if your ex thinks you do? is that why they left?

Ask yourself seriously and honestly… ” what can I improve either for myself or to get my ex back?” Maybe compiling a list of things that you do and don’t like about yourself could help. Make sure you prioritize The Dont Like List making the most important one on top and the less important on the bottom. Everyday work on this list checking off each one as you feel it is getting  Much better. Remember don’t stop improving them just because you’ve put a check beside it. It takes time to make changes but you can do it. And Dont Forget To carry On doing The “DO LIKE” list too.
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Little known secrets
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To Keep up yourself esteem and prove your worth to yourself its important to keep yourself busy and stay focused…. Put a bit extra into your Work or if by any chance you are unemployed why not volunteer if need be? (not only will this keep you busy, do the community a favour, it will also impress the hell out of the ex) Get busy and don’t just lie around the house doing nothing. Helping others always helps you too. By helping others, you Quickly get to realise that someone else in the world has it worse than you do. A job always helps especially if you are stressed out about losing your ex without having to worry about paying a bill when there is no money to pay.    Big Thing To Remember Every dollar you make is one dollar more than you had yesterday. And Although Money Cant Buy Happiness, it allows you to pursue activities and entertainment When you are newly split to take your mind off of things.

(Volunteering to work at the library or Local Hospital Is Very Rewarding and a great means of meeting new friends and aquaintances.)

Another important part of your daily “pick me up” routine should be that you take a little time out of each day for yourself. You Wont be of any use or be attractive  to other people if you don’t take care of yourself. Try to make enough time to fill yourself a  hot bath bath full of bubbles and relax, go for a walk alone or maybe go to the library and read, bring a book home to read and relax. A little something for yourself each day  that is enjoyable but not stressfull really helps to relax you and it can make you feel better.

Exercise is not only a great way to keep your mind occupied and if you’re not already doing it ,try it and see how it helps relieve stress. Very Shortly, you’ll notice how you will look forward to exercising alone or with a friend. If you walk with a friend don’t talk about your  relationship problems, Walk Briskly and talk about the weather or maybe something you’re going to do for ”you” tomorrow. Its Amazing how quickly you’ll notice how much better you feel getting out and taking care of yourself..

Try And Get out Once or twice a week to see old friends and aquaintances Get out of the house and be with a friend other than cleaning house when you’re at home. If because of your ex relationship you no longer have many friends go make some new ones. Meeting friends is something you can do when you’re volunteering etc When at the library talk to the librarian when you are checking out that book.  Take time out to pass the time of day with the checkout operator at the supermarket, Public Benches in Densely populated market areas for examples are usually good for a Informal conversation or two.New friends can be anywhere if you’re willing to talk. You are not Going to  make a new friend every time you talk to someone; but it passes the time of day pleasently and keeps the mind occupied.
One important thing to remember is that life is far too short, if you need a little improvement here and there, that’s ok. No one is perfect and you can only change the quality of life you have, but do it now before its too late…. Who knows the Changes may be what your ex was hoping for?

http://www.getbacktogetherforever.blogspot.com

It amounts to the degree of wherewithall and awareness one possesses as to how many questions we have regarding where we might stand in our relationship, if one exists. One confident gent may declare his firm foothold with the girl of his heart while in reality she’s been trying to elude the task of telling him to ‘Beat it’ for some time. Another may have too many questions and that would surely be an indicator as to something being amiss. Don’t frustrate yourself and don’t sabotage yourself either. Set up ways to open up the 2 of you as a topic and find out just where you stand by making it easy on her. She’ll appreciate it if done gracefully and this will be an opportunity to gain the necessary insight into your relationship. Could be a simple oversight and something repairable or a chance to move apart from one another before it’s really too late…

Kurt,
I love you so much
I love you with all of my heart
I will never get over the feeling that I have so strongly for you
I just keep thinking about how if I would ever lose you how I would spend the rest of my life trying to get you back
And thinking about how my life will never be complete with out you in it
Kurt you are my world
You are my strength
You are the reason that I get up ever morning
You are the reason that I want to live
You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me
I just keep thinking of the mistakes that I have made in our relationship
And how I would go back to take them all away
I know that we will have our little fights and arguments
Every argument that we have kills me inside
But all that I can think of is’
In the end will we remain together?
And I know that you will be there for me when I need you the most
You sit there and say that I do not love you
But you got it all wrong
I love you more and more each day
I love you more and more with every breath that I take and with every smile that I make
Everyday I think of how I want to spend the rest of my life with you
I sit here everyday just waiting to hear your voice and waiting to hear your laugh
I know that you have been hurt before
But there is nothing that I can do about that
Just because of that I just want you to know that I don’t love you any less
Babe I just want you to know that I love you and will forever more
Nothing that anyone can say will ever make that change

BRENTON AND KURT MEAN THE WORLD TO ME IF YOU EVER HURT ONE OF THEM YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME…I LOVE MY SON AND MY BOYFRIEND….

You know the drill. You’ve broken up with your ex maybe you’re even divorced for a few years already. But you still have nobody in your life. Then something big happens to you and since you don’t have a new love interest, the first person you think of to share with is your ex. So you call/email/text him or her.

Is it because you want to get them back? I don’t think so. You know as well as I do that you left them for a good reason. But still you contact the ex. The memories of what it felt like to have a true love are addicting.

But like any addiction, you must change your behavior and surround yourself with new friends if you want to truly recover.

Creating good feng shui to support your recovery and help attract a new love opportunity means removing all memorabilia attached to former lovers from your environment. Get rid of all old photos, gifts, clothing, etc from your ex. Find out more at my Feng Shui By Fishgirl blog.

I’m skipping ahead a little since my last post but it seemed more necessary to get to the point. Cory and I will have been together 5 months tomorrow and we are already on our second pregnancy ‘scare’. I’ve never been regular growing up but have been getting acupuncture treatments to help regulate myself and its been working great but now I’m 12 days late. Granted with the acupuncture its not always exactly 28 days but its usually pretty close. I’ve been getting symptoms of my period for over a week now yet I still haven’t gotten. I’ve taken three tests which were all negative, but it still hasn’t calmed our nerves. We are always very careful but things do happen (i.e. condom tears, slips off, etc). Neither one of us are really ready to be parents yet, I am more that he is. I’ve had years of experience taking care of other peoples children and he doesn’t know the first thing about kids. He is in the process of building a house and this is totally unplanned. We have discussed it and will make things work no matter what. Then we got on the subject of marriage..is he ready? No. Am I ready? Absolutely. Sometimes I worry though–we’ve been together 5 months and haven’t had a single fight–no argument, no disagreement, nothing. Is this a good sign? Or is a huge blow up inevitable?? I already know he is the one I want to marry, but its also a matter of how soon is too soon?? Nothing like getting my mind off marriage but going to a wedding with him this weekend…

Everything is difficult right now.

I am very confused as to what road I am going down in life. I have just graduated and all my friends have dispersed back around the U.K leaving me in a new house, with new flat mates who I have little in common with. I am living with my girlfriend for the first time, have an extremely part time job that pays a measly half of my rent a month and no other jobs have got back to me save for an unpaid journalism one that swaps reviews and articles for gig tickets.

I worry I will have to move back home. I worry that I will become a financial burden on my girlfriend. I worry the stress will break us up.

I have been offered the chance of a post graduate course but I have no savings and would have to get out a loan. The course would teach me a lot and would give me a better chance of a job afterwards. I worry about the debt but feel in a catch 22.

My girlfriend and I have been arguing. We have argued about her being nice to a friend of mine when she used to bitch and complain about him behind his back. Now they are pally when my relationship with him is frosty. He has a very cruel humour and makes the same snide jokes about me which my girlfriend laughed along with and encouraged him. With my lack of morale right now it was not needed and I have been avoiding this friend since. Alex meanwhile has been getting more matey with him and then accused me of self absorption and jealousy when the reality is I don’t want to hang out with a friend who will put me down for not having a job even though I graduated and he earns 16,000 a year in his bar job after failing the first year of university twice. He also repeatedly mocks other things about me because when he first met me I could not cook and needed his help to learn. To be frank he is a know it all fuck all.

Alex and I have also been arguing about other stupid things like her spending time dyeing her hair for hours and not spending time with me when it was my last day with her before going home for the weekend. She argued that I was upset over something silly but it was more that she took over our room that time and I was stuck in the lounge with the house mate who drives us both insane. Plus she said she would show me her hair as soon as it was done only for me to see she had put posey photo’s of herself up on facebook to show it off to other people. I know it’s stupid and petty. It also drives me mad that it is O.K for her to put up these pouty, sultry photo’s of herself alone but when I put my display photo of myself making a goofy face she accused me of wanting to be perceived as single!!

Just had to get that out. Hopefully things will be clearer tomorrow.

Joey.

Sometimes with all these so called “rules” of dating, I must admit I can be completely confused about what the heck I’m supposed to be doing. I also get confused when it comes to things such as telling if he “likes me” or if he’s “into me” or whatever it’s being called nowadays. And believe me in my quest for the knowledge to decipher everything that is going on in the mind of those men that I do decide to date, I have done so much research and book reading about the subject that if I could figure out the contradictions from book to book, I could write my own book.

So really here is the thing. As I have discovered in my continual quest, it is said that men who are interested in a woman will go out of their way to contact her. They will go out of their way to be with her. They will do all these amazing things that woman WANT them to do. They are attentive and caring, they want you to talk to them for endless hours, they never want to leave your side because they just can’t get enough, and on and on. But am I dating a human here? Or am I dating many clones of a single human? Can a guy really just be too busy with work and his life that even though he wants to call me, he just doesn’t have the time to call? What if this same guy meets all the ‘requirements’ of every other thing?

Here’s my confusion. As I stated prior, or maybe I didn’t, I have a ‘friend’ who I am very interested in. We have both been through horrible divorces and upon him one time initiating ‘dating’ he started getting weird and now we are back to being ‘just friends’ so that we ‘don’t ruin our friendship.’ If I view this from the perspective of the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” I come to the conclusion that he really isn’t into me as anything more than a friend. And unless I’m fooling myself, there are many outside factors here that can easily contribute to this ‘dating confusion’ that I have going on here. Take for instance instead of what he DOES do, instead of what he DOESN’T do. On days that he isn’t working he will randomly call to ‘check in’ as he puts it, even if it’s only to talk with me for two minutes, just to see how I am doing. Keeping in mind that we live several hours apart now that I have moved, when we do see each other, he makes frequent lingering eye contact, he can’t seem to keep his eyes off me, and while he doesn’t make any moves to hold my hand or kiss me, there is an awful lot of very close and ‘accidental’ touching and body contact. His body language speaks volumes when I can see it. He leans in close to me, and for someone who hates being touched, he never pulls away when I touch him. He is, more often than not, very much within my bubble. The days that he is working, he seldom calls, seldom talks to me. But even then, on occasion I get random texts asking how I am, telling me how he is, funny smart-ass comments about people he’s dealing with. The times that he does call, we tend to be on the phone for hours. We’ll talk most of the night away.

Who’s to say that someone can’t have feelings that are so overpowering that they actually are scary? And do these books take this into consideration? Well, they claim they do. They say men will risk rejection because it’s in their nature and the end result just might be worth it. They say that men will not let being ‘just friends’ and ‘ruining a friendship’ interfere with what they want. But can this ALWAYS be the case?