Relationship and Love Blog » Lucy Loveless

Half and half

Lucy Loveless — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 23:53:14 +0000

Today was a “half and half” day. I had moments of joy and moments of sadness. I was finally able to look at a picture of Tommy without it ripping my heart out ,so that was good. Yesterday I bought two birthday cards to send to him because they both said what I wanted to say. I don’t expect or want to hear from him when he gets them unless he is ready to settle down and really try to have a true relationship with me. If he wanted to, I would definitely try. I don’t think I will hear anything though and that is fine. I am prepared for that and will be fine. I feel myself getting stronger every day but I still am unable to get back on my regular sleep routine at night. I stay up very late and then sleep only a few hours at a time. I don’t know what is up with that. Today, for some reason, I just felt like he and I will some day end up together and it made me feel so good. That has to be delirium kicking in from the lack of sleep. I know no other exlpanation for such crazy thoughts! The sad moment was as I looked at his picture, but it was a sadness that I can deal with and one I know will go away with time.

Like my daughter said, “Don’t make someone a priority when you are an “option” to them”. And, unfortunately I guess that is all I was for Tommy. Just one more option…..

Hey, keep your options open!

Love to you all

Lucy

Desperation + Pain=Shame

Lucy Loveless — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 23:33:52 +0000

It has been a shameful day for me. All day I have thought of Tommy. My body has ached to feel him against me once more. I have texted him so many times asking to see him. Trying to keep it “light” but still, begging. And now, after hearing nothing from him again today, I am ashamed that I surrendered my dignity in my painful state. Hopefully, I will be blessed with another day tomorrow and I will try harder to resist these stupid temptations and hold my head up high and realize, his ignoring me is also a loss to him, not just to me. I deserve so much better.

Lucy

Pain pockets

Lucy Loveless — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 01:34:54 +0000

I had a wonderful visit this weekend with a long time friend out of town. She invited me for a “ladies tea” which included food, tea and fellowship. When I arrived at her house, I felt as fragile as the porcelain teacups she served my tea in and wasn’t really sure I was emotionally ready to “visit”. But, when I arrived, God had already spoken to my friend and knew exactly what I needed to hear and she was the vessel to deliver my needed message. It started our visit out perfectly and I was able to feel peace the rest of my time there. Between her house and mine (which is 188 miles), is the small town that Tommy lives in. So, in my great desire to see him, I sent him a text message letting him know I was going to be near his town on Sunday and would like to see him. I heard nothing. I sent the message on Friday morning. I woke up around 2:30 on Sunday morning and resent the message. You know, just in case something happened that he didn’t get the first one. Still, nothing. My last ditch effort was a phone call (of course he didn’t answer) so I left a voicemail telling him I was an hour and half away from him so if he wanted to see this good looking woman, he better let me know and if he didn’t , well it was his loss. As I drove toward his town, no word. Never a word. Still, not a word. I wanted to ride by his house, but, I did not. On the rest of my drive home, I was thinking about everything and trying to make sense of any of it and wondering why in the world I keep allowing myself to get hurt over and over by men. I realized, I have a very deep “pain pocket” and I am so stubborn that until that pocket completely fills up and is ready to overflow, I just keep trying and trying to force things to work. His ignoring my phone call and message hurt IMMENSLY and poured alot of pain into that pocket. So when I got home, I was still thinking about all of it and I sent him an e-mail and I feel it was an excellent e-mail and I said the important things I needed to say and asked that he call me so we could discuss a possible conclusion to all of this confusion. I did tell him it wasn’t fair for me to continually be punished because of how I feel about him and it wasn’t fair to him for me to keep forcing him to hurt me by asking him to do things (like see me on Sunday) that he obviously did not want to do. So… I am hoping that one day I will hear from him and that he will realize he loves me, or he will hurt me deeply enough to make me finally turn away from him and begin to heal. Until then, please be aware of the depth of your own pain pocket and try to protect your heart.

Loveless? Lucy

Have I lost my mind along with my heart????

Lucy Loveless — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 02:35:27 +0000

If anyone sees a brain and a heart walking arm in arm with silly grins on their faces, they are mine. Please be kind and return them! Today I decided to get a tattoo. I designed one using mine and Tommy’s first initials entwined in a heart. I am very proud of my design and look forward to making it my “tramp stamp” as they call it. After deciding on the tatoo (which I haven’t gotten yet) I also came up with the big idea that I actually could make Tommy realize and accept that he DOES love me. … like I said, if you see that brain and that heart…. please return them to me. I obviously need them back!

Would love to hear your comments on these decisions.

Your blog pal,

Lucy

Flicker of Hope or a cruel reminder

Lucy Loveless — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 02:33:45 +0000

I came home from work today and as usual, turned on the computer to see what has been happening with my cyber friends. I was shocked to see my ex’s name on an epmail in my in box. It was only a “forward”, he didn’t write anything, but as soon as I saw his name, I felt my face turn red and get hot. That is how excited I got, just from seeing his name. I can’t help but wonder what his purpose is in contacting me in any way. Does that mean he thinks about me? misses me? jsut wants me to think of him?? I am going to try to date and go on with my life, but up to now, every time I have tried to date, I have been looking for my ex, and of course I was always disappointed in anyone I went out with because they weren’t “him”. So, I had decided not to date. That was before our reunion at New Years. After that is when I decided I have to make myself go on with my life. I guess I’ll wait and see what else happens and if I hear anything else from him. I still deep in my heart wish he would call me and tell me all those devoted things I want to hear….. fairy tale. I should have outgrown that fairy tale thinking by now but obviously, I have not. Flicker of hope? or a cruel reminder? I’ll let you know. Meanwhile I remain, Lucy “loveless”

Good day gone sad

Lucy Loveless — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 02:38:30 +0000

Today was one of the best days I have had in a while. Then all of a sudden, from my heart to the pit of my stomach felt as though it had been ripped out and I started thinking about the guy I said good-bye to and feeling so so sad. Roller Coaster of love. I wish with all my heart he would call and say that he is in love with me and that he doesn’t want any of those other women and we should be together forever. Isn’t that stupid? Here I am going on 50 years old, living in a fantasy love world! I will be glad when this stage of the break up is over and there will be a day when I don’t think about him and wish he would call. I know it takes time. I’ve been through this before a couple of times and I wish I could remember what I did to finally survive. I’m thinking that perhaps it was just a matter of time healing the wounds. I know one thing. I am so thankful to be able to come here and write my feelings down and at least release some of them.

Surrounded by love’s pain…

Lucy Loveless — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 02:06:25 +0000

It amazes me the places that pain from lost loves pops up from. For example, I had to delete my last love from my IM friend list because the sight of his picture stabbed my heart everytime I looked at. And then there is the radio, and having to quickly change the channel to stop the pain. Memory is a good thing but it certainly can be a painful thing. I had just re-united with my love on New Year’s Eve after not seeing him for 7 months and having only occasional contact. So, I was thrilled beyond thrilled when he invited me to his place to bring in the New Year. It was the most wonderful time. He seemed different, willing to give his heart whereas before, he treated me indifferently. He opened up to me more and I thought it was going to be a new beginning but 3 weeks into the new year and after planning another get together for the end of the month, it looked like it was going to be the same ol’ same ol’ and I just can’t settle for that, so I told him we need to go our separate ways. I don’t know if I did the right thing or not but all I know is that I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. It makes me sad to think of all the things we could experience and enjoy together that now, will never be. At least not with him. I believe in my heart that if we are truly meant to be together, when the time is right, our lives will once again come together and it will be. Until then, I cannot curl up and die, I must continue to live, to meet people and enrich my life with those around who do love me.. “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Hard words to hear, but oh so true. One thing I do know for sure, if you are with someone who constantly takes but doesn’t give, your tank will become empty and then, you cannot go any further. So, don’t let them empty your tank and leave you nothing to run on…. Those are my thoughts. Protect your heart…. Lucy Loveless

Ever too old for love???

Lucy Loveless — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 01:57:27 +0000

Yesterday, I went bra shopping. I know, depressing. As I stood in front of the mirror in a bra that was too small and squished everything out every corner it could squish. I looked old. I noticed the slight wrinkles developing in my neck, the fat rolls between the bra and the waist of my pants, my hair was all a mess. I looked old. I left the store with no bra and no self-esteem. As I was driving back to work, it occurred to me. No wonder my last boyfriend didn’t want to keep me. He has a lady who is a millionaire after him and she can pay to keep her body looking as young as she needs it to. I sunk deeper into my depression. Then! I thought of a line from a Kirstie Alley movie. I think it is called Perfect People or something. She was telling her boyfriend that if we waited too long to propose to her, he would be too old and nobody would want his wrinkly old ass. Including her… OMG! I think I am there and I am only 48 years old. As I looked in that mirror, I may as well have been 88 for all the hope I had of finding love again. I was sad and depressed for the rest of the day. Not usually one to succomb to defeat, age just might be the first thing to ever really kick my butt.

New Love Blogger – Lucy Loveless

admin — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 17:17:45 +0000

New Love Blogger :: Lucy Loveless, I have been married and divorced 3 times and have 2 daughters, one step-daughter, one step son-in-law and one precious grandson. I feel I have experienced true love 3 times in my life and two of those times, I did not marry the men. I admit I am still trying to figure out the complexity of relationships between men and women and find that journaling is a huge help and maybe it would help others as well.