I have been doing pretty good until last night. I was checking out my MySpace page and Tommy’s daughter is one of my friends on there and she had pictures of a new home. I don’t know if it was for her and her partner or if it was for her and her dad. She has been living with her dad and he talked about getting a new house so I wondered if it was his new house, or if it was hers and he would be inviting women to his old house and I hyper-ventilated very badly to the point I almost blacked out. It was just so painful, like someone punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. I know it was only my imagination going wild and I knew that I couldn’t let things like that keep happening, so I deleted my MySpace account so that I won’t know what is happening in any of their lives. It is for my own good until I get stronger and can handle the pain without having such high anxiety. Wednesday will be 3 weeks since I had ANY contact with him. I am so proud. But, I have to give God the glory because I have prayed for Him to ease the pain and the desire and He has and I am so thankful to Him for loving me enough to do that for me. It is a big relief. Last night instead of reaching for a nerve pill to help me through that tough time, I prayed and God gave me the peace I sought and I was able to go to sleep without taking anything. I am so blessed.

And, I am meeting new people and going out with friends. Friends who love me and think I am worth something, I need that support and love right now.

I am talking to a couple of guys that I am quite interested in but have not met. I am taking it sloooooow and trying to get to know them before meeting face to face. It’s a hard road and some days are worse than others but I am glad my eyes are slowly opening and I am glad to be going forward instead of backwards. Thanks to all who have supported me through this blog, I appreciate your care more than you know.

I hope you all are without deep, lingering pain.

Love to you,

Lucy

Yay! I have made it a week since I told Tommy I wanted to be happy and enjoy life and since he has chosen not to share that with me I have chosen to move on. Yea ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have deleted his number from my phone, deleted him from e-mail contacts, taken down his pictures, buried his shirt in my closet all of which are baby steps of progress!! Time. It will just take time. I feel optimistic and accomplished.

God is great and life is good.

Hope you all are feeling hopeFULL not hopeLESS!

Love to you

Lucy

Here I sit, a month since I’ve seen Tommy, only heard from him one time since then and that is only because I bugged him until he returned my call. I have sent e-mails, IM’s, text messages and made phone calls. All ignored. So, here I sit, broken hearted again, fighting back the tears, filled with regrets. Regretting all the time I have allowed him to steal from my life as I sit and wait on a phone call. Regretting two very nice men I brushed off while waiting on him and now, they have moved on. Regretting the love I gave, the gifts I have given, the cards I have sent…. all with nothing returned. Only his selfishness has he given. A call when he needed a good sex fix.

I want to see him one more time to try to get answers to the list of questions I have written down to try to understand it all and feel better about myself and not so ugly, fat and rejected. But, will that really do me any good? Is that just more time wasted?? I am planning on an impromptu trip to his house tomorrow which is one and a half hours away to finally bring this thing to an end so that I too can move on and hopefully not let any more truly good men get away who might be interested in loving me.

I will let you know how that goes. Meanwhile, I hope you are stronger and wiser than I have been and therefore spare your heart the ache that mine is feeling.

Today I remain Lucy Loveless…

Wow! What can I say? I am back seeing Tommy. After he received my copy of a chapter out of the book I’m reading by Joel Osteen, he called last Friday. I missed his call. Then, he called again on Sunday. We had nice conversation and he called AGAIN on Monday and told me he was off that night so after work, I went to his house for the night. I do believe that he is falling in love with me and not fighting it quite as hard as he did before. Several things happened to make me think that and I have a different perspective of the relationship and have a better handle on things. This relationship is much like building a new house. Right now, we are building the foundation. Construction is slow and sure which I think is Great because I think the quality will be there. I am very excited and so thankful that God has given me another chance to be in Tommy’s life and get it right. I am keeping God the number one man in my life and have accepted the rest to be however God wants it to be and I know that I will be alright. I have always needed patience and now, I will be tested to see how much I have grown in that department. I feel like I have grown a lot and hopefully, I am right.

Love to you all. Maybe if things aren’t looking so good for you, you can put on a new pair of glasses and look at things from a new perspective….

Be a victor, not a victim.

Love filled,

Lucy

As I have said before, I am reading a book by Joel Olsteen. I read one chapter that really reminded me of Tommy so I sent it to him with a note offering my condolensces to his family in the recent death of a family member and I signed it with I love you as I always do, because I do love him. He would have received the envelope yesterday. Last night I had a missed call from him. I called him back but he didn’t answer so I left a brief message. Why in the world did that little missed call make me so happy? I have felt so good ever since that happened. I guess I am glad to know he still has my phone number and I let him know it is okay for him to call me. I really would like to start over with him and at least be able to talk with him on the phone and be involved in his life in some manner. We’ll see…. there is just no one like him to me. I was in love with him before we ever met in person and when we did meet, that just cemented what I had thought and confirmed what I had been feeling. I hope he calls me because I really would like to know what is on his mind.

That’s as close to love as I’ve gotten lately. Hope all of you are doing better!!

Love,

Lucy

Last night when I got home there was an update on MySpace from one of my friends, it was Tommy’s daughter asking for prayers because their family had lost a loved one. I didn’t really know what the correct thing was for me to do. In the first place, my selfish self got sick to my stomach wondering who was comforting Tommy and who would go to the services with him and be holding his hand and helping him through it all. I was disgusted and ashamed with myself for even thinking that, but I did think it. I had to take a nerve pill to get to sleep I let it bother me so bad. I posted a comment on his daughter’s page giving my condolences to the family. I think that is the most I should do. What do you guys think? I mean he and I aren’t talking or having any communication so I really didn’t feel like I should open myself up to more hurt by contacting him. I prayed for them and asked others to do the same to help them through this difficult time. That should be sufficient unless he contacts me and asks me to be there for him in which case, I will be.

Hope I made the right call on this one.

Lucy

Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary that I met Tommy. I don’t know whether to celebrate the day or damn it. I went to the doctor today and he prescribed me nerve pills to help me through these roughest of times. Mind you, I was present when my 7 year old step-daughter was hit by a car and killed, I have been through a divorce that I thought would destroy me and I have been through another relationship that took me 10 years to finally get over, all of which I managed to get through without the aid of prescription meds and after one year of knowing this man, I am on nerve pills. My gosh! What is it going to take for me to open my eyes and see how bad he is for me???? What is wrong with me? I should be on nerve pills. Maybe I should skip the pills and go straight to a mental facility so I can get the help I evidently need. I have been reading Joel Osteen’s book all day telling me to look forward, forgive my past mistakes and make today a better day. I prayed loud and hard this morning. I think the devil was eavesdropping because he has been whipping my tail all day. I will rejoice in the day when this bondage no longer has hold on me. I hope I will eventually learn from this the lesson I am meant to learn.

I would appreciate your thoughts as I flow through tomorrow in however manner I am meant to flow….

Love,

Lucy

I have an appointment tomorrow to see the doctor about getting prescribed nerve pills. Saturday, I spent most of the day with a new man I met on line. He traveled for 2 hours and trailered his motorcycle to come and see me so we could ride. I was so disappointed when I saw him, I didn’t care about spending any time with him. He came to my house, fell asleep in the recliner and the rest of day pretty much stayed that much fun. I was relieved when he finally left and I enjoyed the rest of my day alone.

But Sunday, was another story. I awoke with a terrible sinus headache from all the pollen the day before no doubt. I tried to get ready for church, but ended up going back to bed where I stayed all day. The pain in my face got worse, I got sick to my stomach and then before I knew it, a panic attack was on it’s way. I tried to stop it, but it got the best of me. I had to go to a friend’s house and have her pray with me and luckily she had a nerve pill and I took it and finally got myself back together. This I believe was brought on by my depression and sadness at not hearing from Tommy and from my thoughts of him with the other two women I saw on his IM page. Somehow I let my guard down and it got to my very soul yesterday. So, I guess, no matter how hard I try to pretend that I am working on getting over him, I am far from it. Today a male friend of mine asked me if I was still in love and I had to be honest and say yes but that I was trying to get over but it was just going to take time. I mean really, it hasn’t been that long. I am grieving the loss and evidently I will be for a while longer. And if he called and wanted to see me, I probably would even though I know that is taking any progress I have made and throwing it down the toilet. I keep telling myself to be the “victor” not the “victim” like Joel Osteen says, but I guess that way of thinking takes a while to get embedded in your head.

I’m glad yesterday is far behind me. Today, love didn’t get to me. And I am so thankful for that. I wish all of you love and happiness in your lives and Iwish you victory over those things that seek to defeat you.

Love,

Lucy

This isn’t about love, it’s about friendship and it’s boundaries. I rent a room from a good friend of mine for a steal of a price and I am very appreciative of her kindness and generosity in allowing me to do that. BUT! Sometimes she acts like we are freakin’ married!!! She is 67 years old, doesn’t have a boyfriend, is self-employed and works out of her home when she does work so when I get home from my 8 to 5 job, she is like one of the dogs, waiting to be entertained! And she complains about everybody and everything and it’s the same people everyday. As soon as I walked in the door this evening she wanted to know did I think to get a pound cake at the store (which I did not!) and then wanted to know how I service my lawn mower and complained that she asked a male friend of hers how much he would charge her to do it and then she got mad because he indicated he didn’t know how much but there would be a charge. I don’t know, it just got to me today fter a stressful day at work and I realized why so many men hate coming home to their wives. Nag nag nag complain complain.

Whew! There, got that off of my chest and maybe now I can resume my peace of mind and happy day I was having before I got home! No love to talk about except for friendship love. I have several male friends that I dearly love. One of which I have invited to my town this weekend for a big festival we are having and I really hope he comes. He and I have so much fun together but I broke his heart because it wasn’t more than friendship for me and I think he was falling in love. Plus, he knows (like the rest of the world) that I spend New year’s with Tommy and he wasn’t really happy about that knowing how much Tommy hurt me in the past and I still chose Tommy over him to be with. So… he may decide not to associate with me anymore in person and if he does, I certainly understand. I wouldn’t be able to be “just friends” with Tommy either.

Friendly Love. It truly is something to be treasured.

Love your friend,

Lucy

I don’t know why I keep on trying at this dating game. Well, actually I do know, I am hoping it is a numbers game and the more men I meet the more likely I am to meet someone that I will click with and have a great relationship with. But, right now, I am finding that the guys with great hearts, can’t satisfy my physical needs and the guys who could possibly satisfy my physical needs don’t have a heart. Why does there have to be a choice? I am sure there is someone who will fit with me in those two ways and more. It has happened before in my life. Unfortunately, the relationships did not last. Then there is always the possibility that I have had my great love/loves in my life and need to appreciate what I had when I had it and stop expecting and hoping to have it again. But at 48, I sure hate to think my love life is over…. I refuse to accept that idea at all! I have too much to offer (I hope).

Today is Tommy’s birthday. Any of you who are regular readers know the impact of that. I sent two birthday cards and as expected, heard nothing and I know for my heart’s sake, that is the best thing that could happen. I have tried to keep my mind from wandering and thinking he is celebrating it with another woman after he and I shared such a great New Years Eve. But, I am not going to dwell on that. I read in one of Joel Osteen’s books that when God allows people and relationships to end or leave your life, it means they were no longer good for you and you should let that go and let God do His new thing. That is what I am trying to do. I want to be a better person all the way around, not just with my love life and I am trying to concentrate more on that than just my love life.

Love,

Lucy