I have an appointment tomorrow to see the doctor about getting prescribed nerve pills. Saturday, I spent most of the day with a new man I met on line. He traveled for 2 hours and trailered his motorcycle to come and see me so we could ride. I was so disappointed when I saw him, I didn’t care about spending any time with him. He came to my house, fell asleep in the recliner and the rest of day pretty much stayed that much fun. I was relieved when he finally left and I enjoyed the rest of my day alone.

But Sunday, was another story. I awoke with a terrible sinus headache from all the pollen the day before no doubt. I tried to get ready for church, but ended up going back to bed where I stayed all day. The pain in my face got worse, I got sick to my stomach and then before I knew it, a panic attack was on it’s way. I tried to stop it, but it got the best of me. I had to go to a friend’s house and have her pray with me and luckily she had a nerve pill and I took it and finally got myself back together. This I believe was brought on by my depression and sadness at not hearing from Tommy and from my thoughts of him with the other two women I saw on his IM page. Somehow I let my guard down and it got to my very soul yesterday. So, I guess, no matter how hard I try to pretend that I am working on getting over him, I am far from it. Today a male friend of mine asked me if I was still in love and I had to be honest and say yes but that I was trying to get over but it was just going to take time. I mean really, it hasn’t been that long. I am grieving the loss and evidently I will be for a while longer. And if he called and wanted to see me, I probably would even though I know that is taking any progress I have made and throwing it down the toilet. I keep telling myself to be the “victor” not the “victim” like Joel Osteen says, but I guess that way of thinking takes a while to get embedded in your head.

I’m glad yesterday is far behind me. Today, love didn’t get to me. And I am so thankful for that. I wish all of you love and happiness in your lives and Iwish you victory over those things that seek to defeat you.

Love,

Lucy

This isn’t about love, it’s about friendship and it’s boundaries. I rent a room from a good friend of mine for a steal of a price and I am very appreciative of her kindness and generosity in allowing me to do that. BUT! Sometimes she acts like we are freakin’ married!!! She is 67 years old, doesn’t have a boyfriend, is self-employed and works out of her home when she does work so when I get home from my 8 to 5 job, she is like one of the dogs, waiting to be entertained! And she complains about everybody and everything and it’s the same people everyday. As soon as I walked in the door this evening she wanted to know did I think to get a pound cake at the store (which I did not!) and then wanted to know how I service my lawn mower and complained that she asked a male friend of hers how much he would charge her to do it and then she got mad because he indicated he didn’t know how much but there would be a charge. I don’t know, it just got to me today fter a stressful day at work and I realized why so many men hate coming home to their wives. Nag nag nag complain complain.

Whew! There, got that off of my chest and maybe now I can resume my peace of mind and happy day I was having before I got home! No love to talk about except for friendship love. I have several male friends that I dearly love. One of which I have invited to my town this weekend for a big festival we are having and I really hope he comes. He and I have so much fun together but I broke his heart because it wasn’t more than friendship for me and I think he was falling in love. Plus, he knows (like the rest of the world) that I spend New year’s with Tommy and he wasn’t really happy about that knowing how much Tommy hurt me in the past and I still chose Tommy over him to be with. So… he may decide not to associate with me anymore in person and if he does, I certainly understand. I wouldn’t be able to be “just friends” with Tommy either.

Friendly Love. It truly is something to be treasured.

Love your friend,

Lucy

I don’t know why I keep on trying at this dating game. Well, actually I do know, I am hoping it is a numbers game and the more men I meet the more likely I am to meet someone that I will click with and have a great relationship with. But, right now, I am finding that the guys with great hearts, can’t satisfy my physical needs and the guys who could possibly satisfy my physical needs don’t have a heart. Why does there have to be a choice? I am sure there is someone who will fit with me in those two ways and more. It has happened before in my life. Unfortunately, the relationships did not last. Then there is always the possibility that I have had my great love/loves in my life and need to appreciate what I had when I had it and stop expecting and hoping to have it again. But at 48, I sure hate to think my love life is over…. I refuse to accept that idea at all! I have too much to offer (I hope).

Today is Tommy’s birthday. Any of you who are regular readers know the impact of that. I sent two birthday cards and as expected, heard nothing and I know for my heart’s sake, that is the best thing that could happen. I have tried to keep my mind from wandering and thinking he is celebrating it with another woman after he and I shared such a great New Years Eve. But, I am not going to dwell on that. I read in one of Joel Osteen’s books that when God allows people and relationships to end or leave your life, it means they were no longer good for you and you should let that go and let God do His new thing. That is what I am trying to do. I want to be a better person all the way around, not just with my love life and I am trying to concentrate more on that than just my love life.

Love,

Lucy

I came home this evening and while getting ready for a first date with a new fella I stopped to check my e-mail. It felt like someone punched me in the stomach and knocked the breath out of me!! There, on my screen was Tommy’s screen name and his “connections” Peggy and Starr. OMGosh. That hurt me so much. I thought about it alot while I was on my date and when I got back home from my date decided to delete any and all contacts associated with Tommy. That way, I don’t know who or what he is doing and hopefully, without any reminders, I won’t think of him as much and will not have to endure that terrible pain. I mailed his card you know and I’m guessing he got it today. I will be glad when this obesession with him passes! I hope it doesn’t take too much longer. Thanks for listening. I welcome your comments.

Lucy

As I said in my last post, I am putting myself out there again and trying the online dating thing. I have been talking with a gentleman in St. Louis all week who will be in town next week and we are to meet on Monday. I am very excited about this meeting. He has called me everyday this week and the conversation has been good. He seems to be a genuinely caring man, successful, intelligent and funny. Not the kind who is usually interested in me so I am really hoping for the best! I’ll keep you informed. Of course thoughts of him are entwined with thoughts of Tommy. I mailed the first of 2 birthday cards I have for him on Friday. Don’t know if he will receive it today or Monday. I still don’t expect to hear anything from him and that is okay and I am sure for the best at this time. Stronger everyday. Hope all of you are doing well also.

Love,

Lucy

Well, after being bucked off of the love horse, I am dating again. I must say, I am having a very good time and meeting some very nice men. We will see how it goes. No love connection yet and don’t know that there will be one. But at least, it sure helps to ease the pain of breaking up with Tommy. Haven’t heard anything from him, nor do I expect to. I plan on mailing two birthday cards to him next week. Don’t want to hear from him. I just mostly want him to know that I remember his birthday and wish him the best. I hope you all are experiencing happiness this week.

Love,

Lucy Love FULL

It is only 10:30 a.m. on this Saturday morning. I have been up for an hour and already the pain is piercing my heart. I think it was brought on when I looked at my calendar and saw his birthday marked on it and then I heard the song by Carrie Underwood, “I Told You So” and as much as I LOVE that song and her version of it, it goes straight to my broken heart and gets wedged in all the cracks and then it takes days for the cracks to start closing up. The good thing about it starting so early is, I know to be prepared for it so it can’t sneak up on me during the day and get me. I”m already got. I do so wish he would call me and profess his love and want me back. And I do so wish that I would STOP wishing that! Speaking of wishing, wish me luck today. I hope your day is full of worthwhile wishes and not wasted on fairy tale endings…..

Love,

Lucy

I didn’t think this day would come
how could i be so dumb
theres so much to do
how can we be through

how can you be gone
this feels so wrong

I’m lying,waiting
for u to come and save me
i’m crying and dying
cause i want u with me

I’m trying to be stong
like i was before
but u left me
and thats my story

I’m getting so weak
look what u’ve done to me
i used to be so bold
this’s whats left of me

I’m lying, waiting
for you to come and save me
im crying,and dying
cause i want u with me

why’d you do that to me
i felt so free
when i was with u
but was it really true

i thought it was love
but i was so wrong
i thought it would never end
but itdidnt last to long

i’m lying,waiting
for u to come and save me
im crying and dying
cause i want u with me

u threw it all away
all in one day
was i not good enough
is it really true

im lying and waiting
for u to come and save me
im crying and dying
cause i want u with me

u with me
with me

you left me when I was too small to understand you told me that I could make it withough you , do you really think i can?

you tell me that you love me and miss me , you tell me these things are they true? I love you daddy, I just want you to be true,

I want to be with you, do you want to be with me? If you really mean what you say why are you gone? why did you go away?

The pain grows inside with every thought, every tear so fresh and hot, that is what you get for trying to be someone your not. Friends don’t that mean forever?

Then why do I feel this great pain? why do I feel so ashamed, I miss the way we used to laugh together. Friends don’t that mean forever?

Why when you look at me it is not the same. for this is uncertainy am I to blame. well I’m sorry for all the things i might have done. Friends don’t that mean forever?

Maybe I wish you could feel all the pain, Why??? because maybe you’d know why I feel alone. Friends don’t that mean forever?