Kurt,
I love you so much
I love you with all of my heart
I will never get over the feeling that I have so strongly for you
I just keep thinking about how if I would ever lose you how I would spend the rest of my life trying to get you back
And thinking about how my life will never be complete with out you in it
Kurt you are my world
You are my strength
You are the reason that I get up ever morning
You are the reason that I want to live
You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me
I just keep thinking of the mistakes that I have made in our relationship
And how I would go back to take them all away
I know that we will have our little fights and arguments
Every argument that we have kills me inside
But all that I can think of is’
In the end will we remain together?
And I know that you will be there for me when I need you the most
You sit there and say that I do not love you
But you got it all wrong
I love you more and more each day
I love you more and more with every breath that I take and with every smile that I make
Everyday I think of how I want to spend the rest of my life with you
I sit here everyday just waiting to hear your voice and waiting to hear your laugh
I know that you have been hurt before
But there is nothing that I can do about that
Just because of that I just want you to know that I don’t love you any less
Babe I just want you to know that I love you and will forever more
Nothing that anyone can say will ever make that change

BRENTON AND KURT MEAN THE WORLD TO ME IF YOU EVER HURT ONE OF THEM YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME…I LOVE MY SON AND MY BOYFRIEND….

When you cut with a knife
you slowly begin to ruin your life.
you have nothing to gain
so you put yourself through pain?
of all the things we did
the best was having a kid.
I knew of all those things, you lied.
so you run away and hide,
run away from your own son,
hold on I am not done.

You think this is all a game
but in reality it is really lame.
when he gets older and i explain,
explain to him why you put him through pain
he’s gonna know that you didn’t care.
he’s young, he’s not aware,
why can’t you see he means everything to me.
he’s the only guy i need
who won’t make my heart bleed.
can’t you see i love my son.

Today was a “half and half” day. I had moments of joy and moments of sadness. I was finally able to look at a picture of Tommy without it ripping my heart out ,so that was good. Yesterday I bought two birthday cards to send to him because they both said what I wanted to say. I don’t expect or want to hear from him when he gets them unless he is ready to settle down and really try to have a true relationship with me. If he wanted to, I would definitely try. I don’t think I will hear anything though and that is fine. I am prepared for that and will be fine. I feel myself getting stronger every day but I still am unable to get back on my regular sleep routine at night. I stay up very late and then sleep only a few hours at a time. I don’t know what is up with that. Today, for some reason, I just felt like he and I will some day end up together and it made me feel so good. That has to be delirium kicking in from the lack of sleep. I know no other exlpanation for such crazy thoughts! The sad moment was as I looked at his picture, but it was a sadness that I can deal with and one I know will go away with time.

Like my daughter said, “Don’t make someone a priority when you are an “option” to them”. And, unfortunately I guess that is all I was for Tommy. Just one more option…..

Hey, keep your options open!

Love to you all

Lucy

Yesterday, I went to church but before church I listened to Charles Stanley’s service on t.v., then, last night before I went to bed, I listened to the Reverend Joel Olsteen and between all of them, I received renewed hope and strength. Today has felt so good. I am so glad to have a day without that deep heart piercing pain. And I am so thankful for it. Joel said no matter what you have been praying for and no matter how long you have been praying for it, don’t stop because “you are closer than you think”. I believe that. And that gives me great hope. And our substitute pastor at church continued a 4 part series on Lust and the sanctity of marriage and how important sex is to a married couple when it is kept in the context as the Bible intended it to be. I don’t know what any of you believe or who or what you worship, but my God that I serve is so understanding he wrote in the Bible about the physical needs of man and woman and that they need to meet these needs as a married couple. What a gracious and giving God.

If any of you are feeling hopeless, please know, there is hope and you are “closer than you think” so don’t give up your prayers.

Love,

Lucy (Love-full) at least for today!!!

I cannot believe what a day I have had. The weather outside has been absolutely beautiful. Mid-70’s where I live and yet, I have spent most of this day, in my bedroom sleeping. It is just so painful sometimes when I am awake. I feel all of the sadness and deep depression that is paralyzing me when I am awake. Sleep is my escape. I have far too much to be happy about and far too much work on myself I need to be doing to allow one man’s rejection to take all of that away from me. Where is the strengtth I have always had? Hopefully when I go to church tomorrow I will get a refill of that strength. It helped me alot this week and got me through four days in alot less pain so I feel sure I will get stronger as the days go by. One day, he won’t even be a memory! Hopefully it won’t be because I have lost all of my recollections (you may laugh now), but it will be because better things have filled up my mind!

Thanks to all who read and allow me to share my pain, as embarrassing as it is. I do so appreciate your company and your comments and hope you all are doing wonderfully well.

Love,

Lucy Loveless (for now)

I do pretty good during the course of the day. But when 5 o’clock comes and I get in my car, instant depression sets in accompanied by overwhelming sadness. Why is this hitting me so hard? I don’t understand it at all. When I engage my brain and list the “why it would never work” and compare it to the “why it would work” list, there is NO comparison. There’s no reason why I should expect or want it to work with Tommy. So where is this hold on my heart coming from??? Maybe it is just the “rejection”. No matter where it comes from, I simply cannot accept that people do not want my love. Crazy. Everyday when 6:00 comes and goes, I know that another day has passed that I will not hear from him because with his schedule he is in bed by then. It will be so nice when you can log on and read a blog from me that is happy and hopeful. Don’t give up on that day, I sure won’t. Until then, I thank you for your interest and appreciate your comments.

Lucy

I have been debating on whether or not to get back on dating sites. I felt like if I did, it would be saying that Tommy really didn’t mean that much to me if I could already begin dating. But then today, I realized he is the one that forced me to move on. It was his choice even though I begged him to see me and love me. So…. why waste time? I’ll put myself out there, hopefully my eyes will remain open as well as my mind and my choices will be better. We will see how it goes. I will keep you posted!

Love,
Lucy

It has been a shameful day for me. All day I have thought of Tommy. My body has ached to feel him against me once more. I have texted him so many times asking to see him. Trying to keep it “light” but still, begging. And now, after hearing nothing from him again today, I am ashamed that I surrendered my dignity in my painful state. Hopefully, I will be blessed with another day tomorrow and I will try harder to resist these stupid temptations and hold my head up high and realize, his ignoring me is also a loss to him, not just to me. I deserve so much better.

Lucy

I had a wonderful visit this weekend with a long time friend out of town. She invited me for a “ladies tea” which included food, tea and fellowship. When I arrived at her house, I felt as fragile as the porcelain teacups she served my tea in and wasn’t really sure I was emotionally ready to “visit”. But, when I arrived, God had already spoken to my friend and knew exactly what I needed to hear and she was the vessel to deliver my needed message. It started our visit out perfectly and I was able to feel peace the rest of my time there. Between her house and mine (which is 188 miles), is the small town that Tommy lives in. So, in my great desire to see him, I sent him a text message letting him know I was going to be near his town on Sunday and would like to see him. I heard nothing. I sent the message on Friday morning. I woke up around 2:30 on Sunday morning and resent the message. You know, just in case something happened that he didn’t get the first one. Still, nothing. My last ditch effort was a phone call (of course he didn’t answer) so I left a voicemail telling him I was an hour and half away from him so if he wanted to see this good looking woman, he better let me know and if he didn’t , well it was his loss. As I drove toward his town, no word. Never a word. Still, not a word. I wanted to ride by his house, but, I did not. On the rest of my drive home, I was thinking about everything and trying to make sense of any of it and wondering why in the world I keep allowing myself to get hurt over and over by men. I realized, I have a very deep “pain pocket” and I am so stubborn that until that pocket completely fills up and is ready to overflow, I just keep trying and trying to force things to work. His ignoring my phone call and message hurt IMMENSLY and poured alot of pain into that pocket. So when I got home, I was still thinking about all of it and I sent him an e-mail and I feel it was an excellent e-mail and I said the important things I needed to say and asked that he call me so we could discuss a possible conclusion to all of this confusion. I did tell him it wasn’t fair for me to continually be punished because of how I feel about him and it wasn’t fair to him for me to keep forcing him to hurt me by asking him to do things (like see me on Sunday) that he obviously did not want to do. So… I am hoping that one day I will hear from him and that he will realize he loves me, or he will hurt me deeply enough to make me finally turn away from him and begin to heal. Until then, please be aware of the depth of your own pain pocket and try to protect your heart.

Loveless? Lucy