I have been debating on whether or not to get back on dating sites. I felt like if I did, it would be saying that Tommy really didn’t mean that much to me if I could already begin dating. But then today, I realized he is the one that forced me to move on. It was his choice even though I begged him to see me and love me. So…. why waste time? I’ll put myself out there, hopefully my eyes will remain open as well as my mind and my choices will be better. We will see how it goes. I will keep you posted!

Love,
Lucy

It has been a shameful day for me. All day I have thought of Tommy. My body has ached to feel him against me once more. I have texted him so many times asking to see him. Trying to keep it “light” but still, begging. And now, after hearing nothing from him again today, I am ashamed that I surrendered my dignity in my painful state. Hopefully, I will be blessed with another day tomorrow and I will try harder to resist these stupid temptations and hold my head up high and realize, his ignoring me is also a loss to him, not just to me. I deserve so much better.

Lucy

I had a wonderful visit this weekend with a long time friend out of town. She invited me for a “ladies tea” which included food, tea and fellowship. When I arrived at her house, I felt as fragile as the porcelain teacups she served my tea in and wasn’t really sure I was emotionally ready to “visit”. But, when I arrived, God had already spoken to my friend and knew exactly what I needed to hear and she was the vessel to deliver my needed message. It started our visit out perfectly and I was able to feel peace the rest of my time there. Between her house and mine (which is 188 miles), is the small town that Tommy lives in. So, in my great desire to see him, I sent him a text message letting him know I was going to be near his town on Sunday and would like to see him. I heard nothing. I sent the message on Friday morning. I woke up around 2:30 on Sunday morning and resent the message. You know, just in case something happened that he didn’t get the first one. Still, nothing. My last ditch effort was a phone call (of course he didn’t answer) so I left a voicemail telling him I was an hour and half away from him so if he wanted to see this good looking woman, he better let me know and if he didn’t , well it was his loss. As I drove toward his town, no word. Never a word. Still, not a word. I wanted to ride by his house, but, I did not. On the rest of my drive home, I was thinking about everything and trying to make sense of any of it and wondering why in the world I keep allowing myself to get hurt over and over by men. I realized, I have a very deep “pain pocket” and I am so stubborn that until that pocket completely fills up and is ready to overflow, I just keep trying and trying to force things to work. His ignoring my phone call and message hurt IMMENSLY and poured alot of pain into that pocket. So when I got home, I was still thinking about all of it and I sent him an e-mail and I feel it was an excellent e-mail and I said the important things I needed to say and asked that he call me so we could discuss a possible conclusion to all of this confusion. I did tell him it wasn’t fair for me to continually be punished because of how I feel about him and it wasn’t fair to him for me to keep forcing him to hurt me by asking him to do things (like see me on Sunday) that he obviously did not want to do. So… I am hoping that one day I will hear from him and that he will realize he loves me, or he will hurt me deeply enough to make me finally turn away from him and begin to heal. Until then, please be aware of the depth of your own pain pocket and try to protect your heart.

Loveless? Lucy

If anyone sees a brain and a heart walking arm in arm with silly grins on their faces, they are mine. Please be kind and return them! Today I decided to get a tattoo. I designed one using mine and Tommy’s first initials entwined in a heart. I am very proud of my design and look forward to making it my “tramp stamp” as they call it. After deciding on the tatoo (which I haven’t gotten yet) I also came up with the big idea that I actually could make Tommy realize and accept that he DOES love me. … like I said, if you see that brain and that heart…. please return them to me. I obviously need them back!

Would love to hear your comments on these decisions.

Your blog pal,

Lucy

The decision not to see “Tommy” was mine and I told him so on January 24, 2009 after the best ever New Year’s Eve of my life spent with him. I just didn’t feel strong enough to go yet another year waiting for my phone to ring and putting my life on hold so I told him to please not call me again. That lasted 3 weeks. On my way from visiting out of town yesterday I stopped by his house to deliver a momento of our New Year’s Eve that I had made for him. I wanted to talk to him in person as I have said some cruel things to him in my moments of pain and have not been able to sleep for my conscience bothering me and I wanted to ask his forgiveness for my meaness in person. I didn’t contact him to let him know I was coming because I wanted fate to decide. He wasn’t home so I left the gift with a note on his door and told him I wanted to talk to him. To my surprise, he called last night. I spilled my guts once again telling him how much I love him and that I am not ready to let him go. He was very sweet through my sobbing and is always the first to tell me I deserve better. I want to be a part of his life, in whatever capacity he can give me at this time. I was totally exposed. It felt like my heart was on the outside of my chest and I didn’t have the strength to even lift my hand. But, today, I felt strong enough to go on and face another day as I enjoyed the memory of our talk. This is a process that I must go through and let it happen until it comes to it’s own end. He said I owed him no apology as all I had done was love him. He feels he has been so bad in his lifetime that he does not deserve happiness and whenever he starts to feel happiness, he runs away. I hope one day to gain his trust so that he trusts my feelings for him and will trust his heart to me. Last night is the first time he has admitted that he believes my feelings for him are real and sincere. That was a huge step.

I thank all who have commented and offered your comfort and your suggestions to help me through this. I greatly appreciate you care for me while on this journey.

Hoping for Love, Yours truly, Lucy Loveless

I came home from work today and as usual, turned on the computer to see what has been happening with my cyber friends. I was shocked to see my ex’s name on an epmail in my in box. It was only a “forward”, he didn’t write anything, but as soon as I saw his name, I felt my face turn red and get hot. That is how excited I got, just from seeing his name. I can’t help but wonder what his purpose is in contacting me in any way. Does that mean he thinks about me? misses me? jsut wants me to think of him?? I am going to try to date and go on with my life, but up to now, every time I have tried to date, I have been looking for my ex, and of course I was always disappointed in anyone I went out with because they weren’t “him”. So, I had decided not to date. That was before our reunion at New Years. After that is when I decided I have to make myself go on with my life. I guess I’ll wait and see what else happens and if I hear anything else from him. I still deep in my heart wish he would call me and tell me all those devoted things I want to hear….. fairy tale. I should have outgrown that fairy tale thinking by now but obviously, I have not. Flicker of hope? or a cruel reminder? I’ll let you know. Meanwhile I remain, Lucy “loveless”

This is the question that has been bothering me since last couple of days – “Is it the end…??!!”

Is it the end of our relationship..??!! Is it the end of that sweet bond “friendship”..?

It’s me who took this step and not him, but still he didn’t stop me once. He didn’t bother to ask me “why?!”

Is it this what he actually wanted..??!! Was he really pissed off by me..??!!

There are so many questions running in my mind.

But the fact is I’m not much bothered and depressed about this end (if it is) probably because nowadays I’m overpacked with my daily schedules. Over last couple of days I have really not missed him but now when I sit all alone it’s these questions which trouble me. I’m upset (but surely not shattered)..!!

I’m all the same.. happy.. smiling and enjoying my life but still at times all these questions dawn me and take away the smile from my lips.

I want to tell you, if you are reading this.. U r being missed but at the same time I’m happy that no more would I eat your head and no more would I irritate you. Atleast you won’t be pissed off by me anymore.

I know you still might have the question in your mind as to why I did this ? I’ll surely answer you, but not right now.. for I’m in no mood to speak it out right now and moreover I’ve some other pending chores to complete.

But surely you’ll have the answer to that question in my next post here.. Till then Adios ( I knw u wont ever come here to read all this… but this is just the way I can still talk to you and share what I actually feel.)

Where can I find peace and happiness is a question that is constantly asked by men and women. In my previous psychology courses, I’ve read that happiness is a choice and a state of self-actualization of discovering who you really are. Wikipedia actually defines peace as a mindset generally associated with bliss and happiness. Wikipedia also define happiness as a state of mind or feeling such as contentment, satisfaction, pleasure or joy.
When you ask most people what peace and happiness mean to them, they usually answer: “they would be happy if they were rich and successful, if they met their ‘perfect’soul-mate, or if they had the ‘perfect’ job. Most of the answers I’ve ever received consisted of external conditions. In the past, I’ve even been guilty of giving the same “if I had” answers.
This thought process could lead to a harmful cycle. We (myself included) can be so caught up in the superficial definition of happiness; we tend to overlook the small joys of life. Of course, everyone wants to be successful financially, but how fulfilling would that be without happiness? Could we really be at peace if our bodies could not sleep the 7-8 hours of required rest because we don’t truly have a peace of mind? Money and success can’t replace the intimate moments shared with your significant other, the joy you receive watching your kids’ smiles, or the shoulder of a solid and trusted friendship.
Though I don’t believe that our behaviors and emotions are 100% scientific and textbooks descriptions are not always an accurate and proven theory of humans, I do have to agree with the psychology definition of happiness above. Happiness is a choice and a state of self-actualization. I choose to be happy and though I realize that I am not perfect, I’m a lot better than I was yesterday. I am free to voice my feelings. And most importantly, I have the option of a better tomorrow.

Finding Your Missing Peace Of Love

Today was one of the best days I have had in a while. Then all of a sudden, from my heart to the pit of my stomach felt as though it had been ripped out and I started thinking about the guy I said good-bye to and feeling so so sad. Roller Coaster of love. I wish with all my heart he would call and say that he is in love with me and that he doesn’t want any of those other women and we should be together forever. Isn’t that stupid? Here I am going on 50 years old, living in a fantasy love world! I will be glad when this stage of the break up is over and there will be a day when I don’t think about him and wish he would call. I know it takes time. I’ve been through this before a couple of times and I wish I could remember what I did to finally survive. I’m thinking that perhaps it was just a matter of time healing the wounds. I know one thing. I am so thankful to be able to come here and write my feelings down and at least release some of them.