If anyone sees a brain and a heart walking arm in arm with silly grins on their faces, they are mine. Please be kind and return them! Today I decided to get a tattoo. I designed one using mine and Tommy’s first initials entwined in a heart. I am very proud of my design and look forward to making it my “tramp stamp” as they call it. After deciding on the tatoo (which I haven’t gotten yet) I also came up with the big idea that I actually could make Tommy realize and accept that he DOES love me. … like I said, if you see that brain and that heart…. please return them to me. I obviously need them back!

Would love to hear your comments on these decisions.

Your blog pal,

Lucy

The decision not to see “Tommy” was mine and I told him so on January 24, 2009 after the best ever New Year’s Eve of my life spent with him. I just didn’t feel strong enough to go yet another year waiting for my phone to ring and putting my life on hold so I told him to please not call me again. That lasted 3 weeks. On my way from visiting out of town yesterday I stopped by his house to deliver a momento of our New Year’s Eve that I had made for him. I wanted to talk to him in person as I have said some cruel things to him in my moments of pain and have not been able to sleep for my conscience bothering me and I wanted to ask his forgiveness for my meaness in person. I didn’t contact him to let him know I was coming because I wanted fate to decide. He wasn’t home so I left the gift with a note on his door and told him I wanted to talk to him. To my surprise, he called last night. I spilled my guts once again telling him how much I love him and that I am not ready to let him go. He was very sweet through my sobbing and is always the first to tell me I deserve better. I want to be a part of his life, in whatever capacity he can give me at this time. I was totally exposed. It felt like my heart was on the outside of my chest and I didn’t have the strength to even lift my hand. But, today, I felt strong enough to go on and face another day as I enjoyed the memory of our talk. This is a process that I must go through and let it happen until it comes to it’s own end. He said I owed him no apology as all I had done was love him. He feels he has been so bad in his lifetime that he does not deserve happiness and whenever he starts to feel happiness, he runs away. I hope one day to gain his trust so that he trusts my feelings for him and will trust his heart to me. Last night is the first time he has admitted that he believes my feelings for him are real and sincere. That was a huge step.

I thank all who have commented and offered your comfort and your suggestions to help me through this. I greatly appreciate you care for me while on this journey.

Hoping for Love, Yours truly, Lucy Loveless

I came home from work today and as usual, turned on the computer to see what has been happening with my cyber friends. I was shocked to see my ex’s name on an epmail in my in box. It was only a “forward”, he didn’t write anything, but as soon as I saw his name, I felt my face turn red and get hot. That is how excited I got, just from seeing his name. I can’t help but wonder what his purpose is in contacting me in any way. Does that mean he thinks about me? misses me? jsut wants me to think of him?? I am going to try to date and go on with my life, but up to now, every time I have tried to date, I have been looking for my ex, and of course I was always disappointed in anyone I went out with because they weren’t “him”. So, I had decided not to date. That was before our reunion at New Years. After that is when I decided I have to make myself go on with my life. I guess I’ll wait and see what else happens and if I hear anything else from him. I still deep in my heart wish he would call me and tell me all those devoted things I want to hear….. fairy tale. I should have outgrown that fairy tale thinking by now but obviously, I have not. Flicker of hope? or a cruel reminder? I’ll let you know. Meanwhile I remain, Lucy “loveless”

This is the question that has been bothering me since last couple of days – “Is it the end…??!!”

Is it the end of our relationship..??!! Is it the end of that sweet bond “friendship”..?

It’s me who took this step and not him, but still he didn’t stop me once. He didn’t bother to ask me “why?!”

Is it this what he actually wanted..??!! Was he really pissed off by me..??!!

There are so many questions running in my mind.

But the fact is I’m not much bothered and depressed about this end (if it is) probably because nowadays I’m overpacked with my daily schedules. Over last couple of days I have really not missed him but now when I sit all alone it’s these questions which trouble me. I’m upset (but surely not shattered)..!!

I’m all the same.. happy.. smiling and enjoying my life but still at times all these questions dawn me and take away the smile from my lips.

I want to tell you, if you are reading this.. U r being missed but at the same time I’m happy that no more would I eat your head and no more would I irritate you. Atleast you won’t be pissed off by me anymore.

I know you still might have the question in your mind as to why I did this ? I’ll surely answer you, but not right now.. for I’m in no mood to speak it out right now and moreover I’ve some other pending chores to complete.

But surely you’ll have the answer to that question in my next post here.. Till then Adios ( I knw u wont ever come here to read all this… but this is just the way I can still talk to you and share what I actually feel.)

Where can I find peace and happiness is a question that is constantly asked by men and women. In my previous psychology courses, I’ve read that happiness is a choice and a state of self-actualization of discovering who you really are. Wikipedia actually defines peace as a mindset generally associated with bliss and happiness. Wikipedia also define happiness as a state of mind or feeling such as contentment, satisfaction, pleasure or joy.
When you ask most people what peace and happiness mean to them, they usually answer: “they would be happy if they were rich and successful, if they met their ‘perfect’soul-mate, or if they had the ‘perfect’ job. Most of the answers I’ve ever received consisted of external conditions. In the past, I’ve even been guilty of giving the same “if I had” answers.
This thought process could lead to a harmful cycle. We (myself included) can be so caught up in the superficial definition of happiness; we tend to overlook the small joys of life. Of course, everyone wants to be successful financially, but how fulfilling would that be without happiness? Could we really be at peace if our bodies could not sleep the 7-8 hours of required rest because we don’t truly have a peace of mind? Money and success can’t replace the intimate moments shared with your significant other, the joy you receive watching your kids’ smiles, or the shoulder of a solid and trusted friendship.
Though I don’t believe that our behaviors and emotions are 100% scientific and textbooks descriptions are not always an accurate and proven theory of humans, I do have to agree with the psychology definition of happiness above. Happiness is a choice and a state of self-actualization. I choose to be happy and though I realize that I am not perfect, I’m a lot better than I was yesterday. I am free to voice my feelings. And most importantly, I have the option of a better tomorrow.

Finding Your Missing Peace Of Love

Today was one of the best days I have had in a while. Then all of a sudden, from my heart to the pit of my stomach felt as though it had been ripped out and I started thinking about the guy I said good-bye to and feeling so so sad. Roller Coaster of love. I wish with all my heart he would call and say that he is in love with me and that he doesn’t want any of those other women and we should be together forever. Isn’t that stupid? Here I am going on 50 years old, living in a fantasy love world! I will be glad when this stage of the break up is over and there will be a day when I don’t think about him and wish he would call. I know it takes time. I’ve been through this before a couple of times and I wish I could remember what I did to finally survive. I’m thinking that perhaps it was just a matter of time healing the wounds. I know one thing. I am so thankful to be able to come here and write my feelings down and at least release some of them.

It amazes me the places that pain from lost loves pops up from. For example, I had to delete my last love from my IM friend list because the sight of his picture stabbed my heart everytime I looked at. And then there is the radio, and having to quickly change the channel to stop the pain. Memory is a good thing but it certainly can be a painful thing. I had just re-united with my love on New Year’s Eve after not seeing him for 7 months and having only occasional contact. So, I was thrilled beyond thrilled when he invited me to his place to bring in the New Year. It was the most wonderful time. He seemed different, willing to give his heart whereas before, he treated me indifferently. He opened up to me more and I thought it was going to be a new beginning but 3 weeks into the new year and after planning another get together for the end of the month, it looked like it was going to be the same ol’ same ol’ and I just can’t settle for that, so I told him we need to go our separate ways. I don’t know if I did the right thing or not but all I know is that I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. It makes me sad to think of all the things we could experience and enjoy together that now, will never be. At least not with him. I believe in my heart that if we are truly meant to be together, when the time is right, our lives will once again come together and it will be. Until then, I cannot curl up and die, I must continue to live, to meet people and enrich my life with those around who do love me.. “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Hard words to hear, but oh so true. One thing I do know for sure, if you are with someone who constantly takes but doesn’t give, your tank will become empty and then, you cannot go any further. So, don’t let them empty your tank and leave you nothing to run on…. Those are my thoughts. Protect your heart…. Lucy Loveless

Yesterday, I went bra shopping. I know, depressing. As I stood in front of the mirror in a bra that was too small and squished everything out every corner it could squish. I looked old. I noticed the slight wrinkles developing in my neck, the fat rolls between the bra and the waist of my pants, my hair was all a mess. I looked old. I left the store with no bra and no self-esteem. As I was driving back to work, it occurred to me. No wonder my last boyfriend didn’t want to keep me. He has a lady who is a millionaire after him and she can pay to keep her body looking as young as she needs it to. I sunk deeper into my depression. Then! I thought of a line from a Kirstie Alley movie. I think it is called Perfect People or something. She was telling her boyfriend that if we waited too long to propose to her, he would be too old and nobody would want his wrinkly old ass. Including her… OMG! I think I am there and I am only 48 years old. As I looked in that mirror, I may as well have been 88 for all the hope I had of finding love again. I was sad and depressed for the rest of the day. Not usually one to succomb to defeat, age just might be the first thing to ever really kick my butt.

How very much I miss you
When I hear to those songs
It seems it’s been ages
Since we have last talked..

I miss you with every breath that I take in
I miss you so much more with every passing second
Seems it’s really been ages
Since I have heard your words..

We both are in two separate places
So far away and occupied with our daily chores
It seems that time is running into eternity
And it really makes me feel blue..

How restless I get at times
When I really miss you
It seems as if my heart lost a beat
And am still here waiting for you..

I really do miss you so very much.. No matter how hard I try..
I stay awake all through the night just to find you online in odd hours.. but to my bad luck…………. I just keep waiting for you till the morning.. now knowing well enough that you might be busy with your work.
I wish I could really tell.. how much you are missed when you are not here..

Please Come Back Soon

For Someone Is Waiting For You..

Missing You…!!