The decision not to see “Tommy” was mine and I told him so on January 24, 2009 after the best ever New Year’s Eve of my life spent with him. I just didn’t feel strong enough to go yet another year waiting for my phone to ring and putting my life on hold so I told him to please not call me again. That lasted 3 weeks. On my way from visiting out of town yesterday I stopped by his house to deliver a momento of our New Year’s Eve that I had made for him. I wanted to talk to him in person as I have said some cruel things to him in my moments of pain and have not been able to sleep for my conscience bothering me and I wanted to ask his forgiveness for my meaness in person. I didn’t contact him to let him know I was coming because I wanted fate to decide. He wasn’t home so I left the gift with a note on his door and told him I wanted to talk to him. To my surprise, he called last night. I spilled my guts once again telling him how much I love him and that I am not ready to let him go. He was very sweet through my sobbing and is always the first to tell me I deserve better. I want to be a part of his life, in whatever capacity he can give me at this time. I was totally exposed. It felt like my heart was on the outside of my chest and I didn’t have the strength to even lift my hand. But, today, I felt strong enough to go on and face another day as I enjoyed the memory of our talk. This is a process that I must go through and let it happen until it comes to it’s own end. He said I owed him no apology as all I had done was love him. He feels he has been so bad in his lifetime that he does not deserve happiness and whenever he starts to feel happiness, he runs away. I hope one day to gain his trust so that he trusts my feelings for him and will trust his heart to me. Last night is the first time he has admitted that he believes my feelings for him are real and sincere. That was a huge step.

I thank all who have commented and offered your comfort and your suggestions to help me through this. I greatly appreciate you care for me while on this journey.

Hoping for Love, Yours truly, Lucy Loveless