In love with a guy a had a thing with for some time.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. However, I’m stll in love with a guy a had a thing with for some time. We didn’t even date, but he was perfect, everything I wanted. The problem is, he is also crazy, I don’t know. He used to tell me he loved so much, more than the girl he was actually dating, but didn’t want us to date because once we did, we’d be togheter forever. Sounds like total bullshit, I know, and it probably is.
But I don’t even care if he just left me out of the blue, there is something about him I just can’t get over. And I don’t think I like him so much just because he left me, you know what men say women are like.
He was just so strong, he knew what I wanted even before I did, he was so sexy and did such sexy things, he made me my heart beat so fast that I would shake and almost throw up.
My curent boyfriend is nothing like that. He never surprises me, never does anything really romantic and never like really grabs me and kisses me like it was the last time he would do it before we both die. The other guy did that all the time, he made me feel like the only person alive.
Now I don’t know what to do, because I don’t feel like I can break up with my boyfriend. He is the only one who loves me, who supports me and listens to me, who takes me out (i don’t have a car). I have broken up with him before because of the same reason, but I just felt fucking terrible, like I had no safety net to fall on and that I was going to disappear and die.
And even when I was single, the guy I like didn’t contact me or anything. I think I sent him a text or something but no answer.
And now he is dating this woman, who i kind of like even, I know it’s not her fault, and he wants to have a baby with her.
I told him I never wanted to have a baby, so sometimes I think this all is going perfect. He can date for a couple of years and have a baby, and then after some time he will come back to me.
I sound like a fucking insane person and I am tired of being like that. Living in a movie sometimes is fun, but it really hurts too. Especially when you have to get up in the morning and go to school taking public transport.
I hate this.

(Screen) Name: SS

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