Fighting to Accept

I am 20 years old. I lost my parents when I was 7.

I have had a few relationships but none come close to the one I shared with my best friend. We began dating after steadily getting closer for a couple years. I was so happy, but spent a lot of my time trying to make sure I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t want to lose him. So whenever something did go wrong, I would be incredibly upset. I still loved him though. Finally the day came when he told me he didn’t feel the same anymore. I tried to be sincere and calm but I ended up losing it. I fought feelings for months and I finally I sent him a terribly hurtful message. It made me feel better removing him from my life.
I kept thinking about our relationship though. Over time it dawned on me how wrong I was. How much was my fault. I tried to apologize, to make amends. He let me know he didnt want anything to do with me. I told him I understood but I’d keep trying.

I planned for months, to get him an anonymous birthday gift I knew he’d love. When the day came, he did love it. And I was so happy. But I couldn’t help myself. Two days later I tried to contact him and he told me, he was thankful for the gifts, but he still wanted nothing to do with me.

It’s only been 7 1/2 months since we broke up, only 4 since I apologized. But it feels like it’s been eternity. And I can’t stop fighting the likely idea that.. I will never get him back into my life. I’ve run out of thoughts on how to handle it. The only thing that keeps me alive is the possibility that he may still forgive me in time. But every day I feel that window closing.

I was his first relationship, and the first person he felt he could openly talk to. I ruined everything. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.

(Screen) Name: GreatestRegret

Young love formula

I am a fifteen year old girl. I roam through the hallways of my medium sized school and see an abundance of pregnant girls.
My mother had me when she was 16, and my father left her. She was just a hormonal teenage girl, so please, Readers, do not judge her. But, when I turned three, my mother married the most vile person that has ever walked the earth. This man created my two little sisters. But he beat me, and he raped me. My mom only knew he hit me, and she would distract him into hitting her so that I could run away. I had to be homeschooled because of my bruises. My mom was my best friend. When I turned seven, my mommy died. She got really sick, and just left. I can get angry with her, and say that she abandoned me all that I want to, but I could never accuse her of not loving me. I thought I would never be loved again until…
There is this boy. He was raped when he was seven by his friends older brother, he did pot, he was in and out of foster homes for years, and now he’s finally home. People look at him and see some punk.
One day he walked into this little place that I walked into and I fell for him. It wasn’t for the boy that I saw, it was for the boy inside of him that no one else did. He became my best friend in the world. I told him every secret, every drop of fun fell into the cup that was shared with him. I dreamt of him. I stared at him. I realized new things about him. I wrote for him, I closed my eyes and saw him. I just knew. Finally, I told him. He felt the same. June 5 became the most glorious day.
I was depressed. I did bad things to myself. Then he came into my life and made me happier than I have ever thought I could be.
Then, I gave myself to him, in one night of short love making.
My Grandmother had adopted me when I was 8, and we have a very open relationship. So I told her. I broke her heart and swore to her that I wouldn’t ever sleep with anyone again until I am older. I broke that promise. I slept with him again. No one knew about the other times.
I do not have any STD’s. I am not pregnant(found out with my best friend after 5 pregnancy tests).
We haven’t done anything for a while and one day he looked at me and said, “I love you. I don’t think that we should do sexual things anymore.” I was terrified. Did that mean he wanted to leave me? He must’ve noticed my change in features because he hugged me and said, “I don’t want to because we are kids. I know that I am going to marry you, so we have years to do those things. But let’s just love each other without the stress of sex.” I was thrilled because I felt like a beautiful girl that was worth it because my boy thinks I am worth waiting for.
My family doesn’t like him. But it’s because of the choice that WE made. We are two adolescents who are completely above our years.
He is so adorable because he uses intense manners around my parents, confesses his love for me in his most respectful ways, and even uses uses proper english.
Alas, my family is so stubborn, that things like that don’t matter to them, yet, they will still respect them with the respect that they recieve.
I know I love him. And Readers, if you believe that I am to young to understand love, I would just like to say that if you go through the other posts, you will see that others(who are much older) do not understand either. Martin Luther King Jr. wanted his people to be judged by the content of their character instead of the color of their skin. Well, I want people to judge me by the love in my heart instead of the years of my age.
My past has caused me to be an adolescent adult because I am mature, and responcible for my age, and I just see things beyond my years. He is the same(as much as a boy can be, at least). Cupid is always to be made without eyes/blindfolded because love is blind. It doesn’t care how old you are, what ethenticity, or religion you are. And in Romeo and Juliet’s case, it doesn’t care what family belong to. You WILL feel it, and that is the one thing that holds this planet together, and prove that, in spite of our differences, we are all the same.
If you are going to judge me because I am in love at 15, remember what it was like when you were my age, feeling things this way for the first time. To you, it was more real than the fact that the quadratic equation is x=-b+ or – the square root of b squared minus 2ac all divided by 2a.
Yes, one day this love will seem silly, but that’s because the heart grows older, and the scars make it more difficult to trust, therefore giving you complete satisfaction when someone breaks through the barrier. But right now, I fully believe that the equation of my love is: late nights+laughter+his eyes+his smile+his personality+sunsets+planning for the future+crying in his arms+kissing in the rain+a zillion other reasons=this one thing that can only be called “love”.
He is all I want. Do you remember that feeling?

(Screen) Name: TruelyMadlyDeeply

confused

i met this lad in high school last year and he’s 3 years older then me, i was in year 7 and he was in year 9 and he told me he liked me so we got together and were together for about 8-9 months and he’s the first lad ive ever properly loved in my life and we broke up once because of he thought i cheated on him when i never, this was all about 8 months ago now – and now were ok but i got with this other lad a couple weeks ago and on Facebook the lad ( the first lad ) who i met in the summer stopped talking to me because he always used to comment on everything and was my top follower, and 2 weeks ago i broke up with the other lad and lately ive been putting ‘down’ status’ and lad 1 is always asking if im okay and stuff. and in school he always looks at me and smiles, but he leads aload of other girls on so i dont know if he still likes me or not!? im still madly in love with you though. any help?:'(

(Screen) Name: just a somebody

work romance

I am in love with two women at the same time. I never intended for any of this to happen but it has and I do not know what to do.

I have been married for 16 years to the first woman I ever loved. We met at work and dated for 2 years then were married. Things were great. Kids, house, the whole 9 yards. 6 years ago a woman appears in my life who I did not know before. There was instant connection. Phone calls that were professional but had a playful undertone. Always seeked each other out at company meetings (she lives in another state) for companionship. Just a hug or two and that was it. The other woman is an incredibly strong and independant woman, much like my wife. They are very similar except one is an indoor girl, the other is an outdoor girl. They could be really good friends.

Last year we both admitted we were interested in each other. We were off and swimming deep end of the Facebook chat. Within 2 days I knew I was in over my head. My love for her grew stronger by the minute and I could not get her out of my mind. My wife offered herself to me and I declined because I wasnt interested.

My wife saw a message and I was in panic mode. I never wanted to hurt my wife but I did, to the core. I told her I would stop and said all the right things at the time. We made up about a week later and “we” were ok.

A phone call or two is all it took and now i am contemplating ending one of the most beautiful things in my life. My wife is also my best friend which makes this even worse.
How can I hurt my first love and my best friend like this. She doesnt know how hard I fell for the other woman. I am not worthy of either of their love because I know this can only end in pain, its just a matter of how many people get hurt on each side.

I am not a religious person but do look for signs. Yesterday after talking to friends I decided i would try to put the genie back in the bottle for the good of my family. The reason for this is on my mp3 player the song “there youll be” by faith hill came on. Right after that, “stay together for the kids” by blink 182 came on.

Today I was looking on FB and what god says to me is “You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.” I know its silly to look at a message and make life altering decisions but it seems like a sign that goes along with my dream last night where I left everything here and moved to her.

I have no idea what I am going to do now. There is so much hurt i am feeling that it seems the simple way out would be to just drive into a pole.

(Screen) Name: misfit

online relationship…

Hi! I’m currently in on an online relationship for 2 months now, He has a girlfriend and I’m married but planning to separate to my hubby, cause well just really that the love has gone and I feel like I’m really inlove with this guy online… AM I CRAZY? I mean trusting someone online? but yeah we’re planning to meet and he said he wants to have a baby with me, hubby don’t know yet bout this so as his girlfriend but, we really feel madly deeply inlove, we talked everyday and text and exchange emails…truthfully though, I would chose him over my hubby…but now I’m confused if he really loves me cause he’s not breaking up with his girlfriend yet which he says he doesn’t love her anymore… but I wonder why he cannot break her up? I just really feel so sonfused now but I really wanna keep him, my online bf…. I love him so much and I never felt this way before… I am sure of this… I am willing to give up everything, but the question is, does he feel the same thing? although yeah he said I’ll never lose him,… So I just need to trust him??? whatcha think?

(Screen) Name: zweetstrawberry

Still paying for an old affair

I have been in a relationship for about two and a half years. We got off to a rocky start due to my own stupidity. As there had been no declarations of love, nor any sign on his part that he was not seeing other women, I fell back into old habits with a former friend with benefits. Neither the fact that he had not said “I love you,” nor my gut feeling that he was still sleeping around excuse my behavior. I was 100% in the wrong, and I acknowledge that. When my indiscretion came to light, he was furious. He swore that he had not been with any other women, he said that he was in love with me and wanted to be with me exclusively, found it in his heart to forgive me, and I have been faithful ever since.
Unfortunately, he has been unable to trust me since this incident. I understand that rebuilding trust requires a tremendous effort on the part of the cheater, and I assure you I have put forth such effort. At his request, I distanced myself from everyone who knew about the “affair” (my closest friends), withdrew from all social activity (unless he was involved), and agreed to report my whereabouts to him upon request. At first, I felt like a prisoner, but when I realized how much emotional damage I had done, I obliged.
A year and a half later, I still do not have his trust. He reads my e-mail, he checks my text messages, he sends threatening messages to my male friends if they so much as comment on a facebook status, and still does not feel comfortable with me socializing without him. Furthermore, he has been fired from his last two jobs and refuses to take any job that would require him to work nights (because he could not monitor my whereabouts). Most of the available jobs in his profession require night shifts, and the financial stress is really taking its toll.
And now for the part that will make everyone hate my guts: I have a very strong (mutual) attraction to a male friend. Nothing what-so-ever has happened, but my boyfriend senses the tension and is irate. I am old enough to know that attractions are bound to flare up from time to time, and most of them are fleeting (even if they don’t seem so in the moment). I am willing to resist temptation and “work on” my current relationship. After all, there is no guarantee that the next relationship will be any better than the current. The hateful thing is that he is firmly convinced that I am sleeping with this man, and his constant accusations only make me want to prove him right. I can recognize that this is illogical and immature, and I am certainly capable of controlling my irrational impulse.
But I have to wonder… is it worth it??? Am I being disrespectful of myself by staying with a man who may never trust me? Yes, I made a huge mistake early in our relationship. But at what point do I regain some rights? At what point can I have a private conversation, a social life, and some help with the bills? I have to admit that a major reason why I am attracted to this other man is the fact that he is gainfully employed and financially responsible. But now that I’m reading my own words, it almost seems comical. “He has a JOB…. Woooooooow!!!”
And my boyfriend has some great qualities. He gets my sense of humor, he does almost all of the cooking and cleaning, and he tolerates my cats even though he has allergies. On top of that, I have MS and sometimes require assistance with basic things (like walking to the car). He is very understanding of this. I am also a full-time graduate student in neuroscience and I work in two labs, so I’m often stressed out. He is usually quite patient with me in this regard. I’m not so sure I’ll be able to find another partner who can tolerate a stressed-out graduate student with an incurable health condition.
So my question is: If anyone out there has been the “cheater” in a relationship, how did you manage to earn back your partner’s trust? Is this even possible? And is there any point at which you, as the cheater, have a right to say, “Enough is enough! You’re going to have to make the choice to trust that I’ve learned from my mistake, believe that I love you, and stop accusing me of bad behaviors in which I am NOT engaging.” Or should I just give up on this and go out with the other guy? The one who has a JOB.

(Screen) Name: AnnaK

Impossible love

Im 15 years old and i have a total crush for my 26 year old teacher ive known him for 4 years. He is the perfect guy sweet, cute, smart, and out going and the best part its that he knows me well. I text with him all day and he knows i like him. When i talk about it with him he says that i should stop (you can get me in alot of trouble).I tell him that 11 years its nothing and smiles but never admits he likes me.. I spend my study hall with him and i flurt with 24/7. On fridays before the weekend i give him a kiss in the cheeck and i hug and tell him how much i love him. He is very sweet and takes me chocolates once in a while. Im really sick and have not been in school he calls me before he goes to sleep to check on me.. I really dont know what to do should i stop and just get away or should i just live with it till the end? what about in the end he finds a girlfriend and marries her?

(Screen) Name: chikis

Three letters On a Guy’s Head

It seems like every quy i’ve been with only wants to be with me because of my body, it makes me really sad to know that a quy will say sweet thinqs just to qet in my pants. im only 15 years old and at my aqe havinq a bf is somethinq that is supposed to be special like in a fairy tale. i know that that will never happen but for a quy to tell you that they just want you for sex it hurts a lot. my first ”serious” relationship was a year aqo, i met a quy throuqh a social network site, i knew him from elementary school but he never knew i existed. he told me he was 16 yrs old and he had all this stuff, i started talkinq to him because i’ve been always attracted to older quys. the point is that we when to a party toqether we made out and when out the first couple of weeks wre find but later he started to just visit me only for 15 min to make out that did not made me really happy and we were fiqhtinq a lot!! he was always tryinq to have sex in my house and asked if i was ever qoinq to do it with him, i was feelinq pressured and just of always hearinq the same Question i was willinq to do it, one day my best friend who was qay called him in 3-way but didn’t know i was on the line and started askinq him stuff while they were talkinq he told my bff that if he was him he would of turn straiqht and fuck me, i cried really bad that niqht because to hear that from his own words just broke my heart, because of how stupid i was and unexperienced i was still with him but after some weeks he broke up with me later i found out that he told everybody in his school that the reason he broke up with me was because he had sex with me!! a couple of months later i met a quy who was 1 years old, i was really excited to qo on a date with him because he was OLD and i was in love with old quys, we only lasted a week because i didnt want to have sex with him, once aqain he told every person from the parties i was cryinq after him. last year was full of qus just tryinq to qet with me for sex, im proud im still a pure younq qirl and i know im qoinq to make love with the riqht person one day….

(Screen) Name: Lolis

my secret love

well i have this friend that i fell in love with,but he told me that he likes one of my friends she is not that really my friend but in a way we talk i was so hurt and i just told him to give himself a chance with her even tough it broke my heart, but what else can i do i dont want to loose his friendship just by telling him that i love him. He doesn’t know that i love him and i dont think he ever will. Is just 2 hard for me i dont know what to do. When im around him my problems are behind i forget about everything, And i tried to find someone to love but is really hard my hearth has been broken lots of times that i dont want to fall in love again. I dont know what to do im clueless. 🙁

(Screen) Name: marshmellow