Fighting to Accept

I am 20 years old. I lost my parents when I was 7.

I have had a few relationships but none come close to the one I shared with my best friend. We began dating after steadily getting closer for a couple years. I was so happy, but spent a lot of my time trying to make sure I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t want to lose him. So whenever something did go wrong, I would be incredibly upset. I still loved him though. Finally the day came when he told me he didn’t feel the same anymore. I tried to be sincere and calm but I ended up losing it. I fought feelings for months and I finally I sent him a terribly hurtful message. It made me feel better removing him from my life.
I kept thinking about our relationship though. Over time it dawned on me how wrong I was. How much was my fault. I tried to apologize, to make amends. He let me know he didnt want anything to do with me. I told him I understood but I’d keep trying.

I planned for months, to get him an anonymous birthday gift I knew he’d love. When the day came, he did love it. And I was so happy. But I couldn’t help myself. Two days later I tried to contact him and he told me, he was thankful for the gifts, but he still wanted nothing to do with me.

It’s only been 7 1/2 months since we broke up, only 4 since I apologized. But it feels like it’s been eternity. And I can’t stop fighting the likely idea that.. I will never get him back into my life. I’ve run out of thoughts on how to handle it. The only thing that keeps me alive is the possibility that he may still forgive me in time. But every day I feel that window closing.

I was his first relationship, and the first person he felt he could openly talk to. I ruined everything. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.

(Screen) Name: GreatestRegret

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