work romance

I am in love with two women at the same time. I never intended for any of this to happen but it has and I do not know what to do.

I have been married for 16 years to the first woman I ever loved. We met at work and dated for 2 years then were married. Things were great. Kids, house, the whole 9 yards. 6 years ago a woman appears in my life who I did not know before. There was instant connection. Phone calls that were professional but had a playful undertone. Always seeked each other out at company meetings (she lives in another state) for companionship. Just a hug or two and that was it. The other woman is an incredibly strong and independant woman, much like my wife. They are very similar except one is an indoor girl, the other is an outdoor girl. They could be really good friends.

Last year we both admitted we were interested in each other. We were off and swimming deep end of the Facebook chat. Within 2 days I knew I was in over my head. My love for her grew stronger by the minute and I could not get her out of my mind. My wife offered herself to me and I declined because I wasnt interested.

My wife saw a message and I was in panic mode. I never wanted to hurt my wife but I did, to the core. I told her I would stop and said all the right things at the time. We made up about a week later and “we” were ok.

A phone call or two is all it took and now i am contemplating ending one of the most beautiful things in my life. My wife is also my best friend which makes this even worse.
How can I hurt my first love and my best friend like this. She doesnt know how hard I fell for the other woman. I am not worthy of either of their love because I know this can only end in pain, its just a matter of how many people get hurt on each side.

I am not a religious person but do look for signs. Yesterday after talking to friends I decided i would try to put the genie back in the bottle for the good of my family. The reason for this is on my mp3 player the song “there youll be” by faith hill came on. Right after that, “stay together for the kids” by blink 182 came on.

Today I was looking on FB and what god says to me is “You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.” I know its silly to look at a message and make life altering decisions but it seems like a sign that goes along with my dream last night where I left everything here and moved to her.

I have no idea what I am going to do now. There is so much hurt i am feeling that it seems the simple way out would be to just drive into a pole.

(Screen) Name: misfit

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