So I fell in love with my ex’s best friend… while we were still in the relationship and before he became ‘the ex’. I was with ‘N’ for eight miserable months: he was a nasty little man and
an abusive alcoholic, who at 42 had become so bitter about life, so resentful of anyone else’s happiness, and so filled with hatred that you would have sworn he was an old man who had spent his life in the gutter. Then there was ‘P’… well the fact that he looked like the early Hollywood actor Robert Taylor didn’t hurt 🙂 but it was his character and demeanor that really
got me. He was intelligent, educated, cultured, and refined. He spoke to me properly, adult-to-adult the way grown ups should speak to one another. He was respectful, and not in a fawning,
false way but genuinely respectful – of himself and others. And he was a gentleman… in truth, he was the very antithesis of ‘N’ Days, and weeks, and months dragged on and I found myself slowly but surely confronted with the fact that my relationship with ‘N’ was doomed and had been from the start.
I had already become aware that I I was falling in love with ‘P’ and although I knew such feelings weren’t ‘right’ I never regretted them: they were what got me through; what made it possible to bear the deep stress of having to walk away from ‘N’ for my own mental health and general wellbeing. I clung to them and held tight to them as the survivor of a shipwreck does to floating debris, to keep from drowning in turbulent waters.. I cherish them to this day because they ‘saved’ me from the very real threat of believing the ’noise’ coming out of someone else’s mouth that I was useless, worthless, hard to love, a whore, etc, blah blah.
This all happened thirteen years ago now, and I still think about ‘P’ and still hold the same feelings for him.
I NEVER told him how I felt or ever let on to anyone what had happened – to this day he doesn’t know and he never will. I do not need him to: it is enough for me that I know… that my capacity to actually fall deeply in love with a man at such a crucial point in my life reminded me I was a woman,
and helped me be strong enough to break free of an abusive relationship.
Now that I am older I have one regret: that I did not drop ‘N’ like a hot potato the very moment I laid eyes on ‘P’ and pursue him for all that it was worth! But, then my life would have been in danger of a happy ending, and how boring would that have been! 😉
(Screen) Name: RanKuoRen
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