I am a twenty year old college student who has been through four relationships, the last one I cannot seem to get over. Calling my ex significant other “Az”, I met Az online and befriended them almost immediately, wanting to know more about them and even exchanging Skype names and phone numbers. It turns out Az rarely gives online friends their phone number, so I felt really special. I decided I wanted to meet Az, and over the next couple of months, we grew to like each other beyond friendship and even plan to go on a date when I visit. But, throughout that…Az kept trying to push me away, calling me blind and saying that they didn’t love me or anything like that…I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t love Az but they kept believing I did. Once so sweet and gentle hearted to me, they’ve become teasing and almost mean spirited, though not in a bad way. A few times, Az would revert back to that kind and gentle person that made me feel genuinely special. Over time, even the other side of Az made me smile and chuckle.
Az asked me out on Easter morning, saying that they couldn’t wait any longer and wanted to be with me. I said yes, and we were a couple. Three weeks later, I began my trip to where Az lived…I was delayed for four days, the one day being the reason that I wanted to care for a sick girl on the bus I was riding…I didn’t want to leave her alone. It hurt so bad, having to IM Az and hear her (I’m admitting it, Az is a woman) dead and tired voice on the phone…I found out later that she would not sleep or even leave her house…for four days, because I wasn’t there. She kept telling me: “I’m not getting my way…all I want to do right now is see you.”
It hurt so bad, I almost had multiple emotional breakdowns on the bus, a friend that I made on there holding me as I kept repeating how sorry I was to my laptop. I finally got there, and she came to pick me up wit her friends. As soon as I saw her, my heart leaped in my chest and I smiled…I was truly happy, I felt everything would be alright.
By the second day I was there, everything began going downhill….she would snap at her best friend whenever she would try to talk to me, glare at her two friends when I would pay attention to them….and finally, when we were alone in her house…Az broke up with me…telling me “I was like a sister to her”. I never felt so heart broken in my life, I went through all of that hell, that horrid nightmare on trying to see her…and she broke up with me. And that’s not the worst of it…I knew she was lying to me. A while back, she had told me her heart was broken once and she gained committment issues, also she admitted to me that she used people in relationships for lust, then broke it off when she felt nothing. But…unlike her other ex’s…she didn’t touch me. We never kissed on the lips, had any intimate contact…nothing. She wouldn’t touch me. At times she teasingly carressed me, in the way that seemed to be saying: “You’re mine.” and even after the break up, she still did that at times. I spent the next couple of days there, her ignoring me and trying to get me on a bus home. I wasn’t able to so I stayed at the now ex best friend (who found out what happened)’s house. Az found this out, and when we drove to her house to pick up something the ex best friend wanted, Az stomped up to the car and began demanding me what was going on, why I wasn’t on the bus. I refused to look at her and answered her questions, I looked up once and she was glaring at the ex best friend with this hatred I have never seen before. Before I knew it, Az was holding my hand, clutching and stroking it, repeating: “If you called me I would have helped you…” in that voice as if to say: “Why did you call HER instead of ME?”
She ignored me for awhile after that, even after I went home…telling me about these other friends who she “married” online, flirting with others…it hurt me more and more, but I continued to talk to her. I even still gave her the ring (which is a family heirloom) that I was to give her as a promise ring…I told her just to keep it as a friendship ring. She replied that “she didn’t feel comfortable wearing it” and that was the end of that…I thought so anyway. Within a month, she flat out told me on the phone that she was wearing it. She now wears it on the ring finger she wears her mother’s ring, below that ring. She does continue to call me on the phone (I being really the only one she does this to), I see her good and her bad side…I went through a stage of obsession at one point, but recently got over it. I do get jealous still, but then again she is no exception. From what I have noticed, whenever someone speaks intimately with me or playfully flirts with me, she immediately comes in and is either hissy toward me, rants a little (making no sense) or vice versa to the other person. My best friend doesn’t think she likes me like that anymore, but I honestly can’t believe her…as she has switched time and again on her opinion of this. Other people ask me if there’s something going on between us, I reply no…despite the fact that she has claimed me as her online wife. Sometimes it hurts to talk to her, she says things to me like: “Yeah, well, caring never gets you too far does it?” while before that, whenever I’m upset, she would tell me that everything will be fine and try her hardest to cheer me up…even call me on the phone and talk to me for hours. I…I honestly do believe I have fallen in love with her, which I have never done before…and even though it hurts to think about it, if it’s not meant to be…then I just want her happy. Her friends call me desperate, pathetic, creepy and weird…she says she likes the creepiness about me and called her own friends “pathetic”. She has admitted that she is in love with someone, will NOT say anything to me or anyone…she even told her friend: “Not even *my name* knows…” which confuses me, considering she rarely talks to me about anything personal..and she knows how I feel about her, I bluntly wrote her a love poem and she knows it. Az is even planning to come visit me…she wants to try visiting me as early as possible, as soon as she gets enough money. But I don’t know when that’ll be….she never takes off the ring or the necklace I made for her though.
I just don’t know WHAT her feelings are at this point, why she won’t let me help her when she’s having a bad day and turns to others, why she won’t tell me who she likes if she knows I am in love with her, why she wore the ring even when she said she wouldn’t…her jealousy and possessive over me…I’m so confused, people tell me I should talk to her…but to be honest, though communication is important…with her, I don’t think that’ll be a good turn of action.
I’m sorry if this made no sense, I want someone to help me so badly…I just need someone to talk to, someone to hear me rant and not judge me on this…if she keeps calling me a “sister”, why does she also call me her wife, wear the ring I was to give her as a promise ring and then have jealousy issues over me which she’ll never admit?
But…all in all, I forgave her for what she did to me. People think I’m crazy for doing so…and I know what she did ripped my heart out….but I forgave her. In closing, I will tell you two things that I keep thinking about to this day.
Her best friend told me she planned a surprise for me, which she did tell me about and would never tell me what it was. It turns out she was planning to take me to a lake at night, my favorite setting which I had told her about, have a picnic set up for me that she cooked herself and even serenade me with a song I told her once that I would love to hear her sing. She was going to take me on a nature walk around the park where the lake was, we would go stargazing…and finally, she was going to give me her own promise ring. I keep thinking about it, and it hurts…it hurts so bad, yet it makes me smile. She planned that for me, she never planned something special for anyone…but she planned that for me. (I’m sorry, I’m actually crying as I type this out, but I’m still smiling)
Then…her other best friend told me something that Az had told her recently about the break up: “I hate myself…I hate myself for what I did to her, how I broke up with her…I didn’t want to do it that way. I broke her, made her cry, ignored her…I can never forgive myself for what I put that girl through. But, she forgave me..she forgave me.” Her best friend had told me that Az said this a few months or so after the break up, while she was crying (and apparently she never cries) over her friends turning against her about this incident…but she never blamed me, never spoke an ill word about me…she spoke about her ex friend in almost a jealous manner, an angry manner…but apparently said everything about me in the highest respect. “It wasn’t her fault, don’t blame her please…it wasn’t her fault. I need to help her, I need to help her get home..she needs to be safe, she needs to be safe.”
I remember once that in a blog post, Az asked people to describe themselves as what they are to her. I jokingly told her to describe me instead. I got the answer: “You’re just indescribable”…and I honestly don’t know what she means.
Thank you for hearing me out. If anyone wishes to contact me, please do tell me. And also give me your opinions. Have a great day.
~Misguided Angel (a name my friend described me as when I told her about this)
(Screen) Name: Misguided Angel