I don’t know why exactly I’m doing this. I guess at the back of my mind, I’m thinking if I do this I might be able to ‘exorcise’ this unrequited love.
Let me tell you about my story, my one-sided love story. I’ll start from the very beginning.
I’ve known this guy for almost seven years now. We were in the same block during our freshman year in college. Actually, we had been in the same block from the first semester of our freshman year until graduation. Anyway, the first time I saw him, I never really thought much about him. I glanced at him and forgot about him. He just didn’t really catch my attention. I was more interested in the good-looking, 6-foot tall gay guy sitting at the back of the room. (Hey, just because he plays for the other team doesn’t mean I can’t look and, erm, appreciate his assets). It’s not that he was bad-looking; he was actually one of the ‘prettiest’ boys in the room. I think the problem was he was too pretty for me; I mean, he could’ve worn a wig and he’d be prettier than me. Needless to say, I’ve ignored his existence and he’d pretty much ignored mine then. That was how it was for the entirety of our freshman year.
Second year came, and this is where we started interacting. We were in the same block but our friends aren’t with us. Almost all of my friends are in a different block and so are his. He was the only familiar face there and, I assume, I’m also the only one he knew. So, we sort of gravitated towards each other. We got to talking and at first, I was put off by his weirdness. He had mama’s boy written all over him, too. He’s also prone to making really lame jokes. Nothing offensive, just really, really, really lame. But he’s really sweet. He appreciates my humor, and puts up with my weirdness. He listens to everything I say, he really pays attention when we’re talking. And he values my suggestions/opinions/inputs highly. Before long, we became inseparable. Like, when there are groupings to be done, we were a package deal. People had already taken it for granted that if I’m in something or somewhere, he’d be there, too, and vice-versa. There had never been any romantic rumors about us, though. People just accepted that we’re good friends. And we were just good friends.
The trouble started when I began noticing his nice traits. Nice guys are my weakness. I mean, like any normal, heterosexual, red-blooded female, I am fascinated and somewhat attracted to bad boys but nice guys, really nice guys, make me melt. And he is genuinely a nice guy. I mean, he likes cats! By the end of the first semester of our second year, I’ve developed a minor crush on him. I also started noticing his looks and how he doesn’t seem too pretty anymore. Of course, he doesn’t know. As a matter of fact, until now, no one knows.
The turning point (for me, at least) happened during the second semester of our second year in college. I fell for him, as in fell all the way in love for him. I won’t go into details anymore. It was one moment, just one moment that made me realize that this guy, who’s prettier than me and who’s a mama’s boy, owns my heart and there’s nothing I can do about it.
From then, I carried this secret with me. He never had a girlfriend in all the time I knew him. But he did have crushes. I think he seriously contemplated courting someone during our senior year. I heard from the girl (she’s a good friend of mine) that he actually confessed to her and asked if he can court her. She refused him. No, it’s not because of me; she doesn’t know I’m in love with him; like I’ve mentioned before, nobody knows. Up to now, nobody knows.
I know you’re all asking “why not just tell him?”. Well first, because I KNOW he’ll never see me that way. To him, I’ll always just be that girl with whom he liked spending time with because he’s, how to put it, comfortable around me. I’m like a sister to him, I think. And second, I’d rather have him as a friend than not be in his life at all. I like the fact that I can get close to him, know his thoughts, laugh with him, and talk with him anytime. If I tell him how I feel, I’m sure he’ll feel awkward around me and I’d lose him for good. I’m not being melodramatic. Like I’ve said, I’ve known him for almost 7 years now. I think I know him well enough to know how he’ll react to a confession from a girl with whom he’s not, and never will be, romantically interested in. Credit me with some intuition, please.
So here I am, in love with someone who’ll never love me back. And I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love with someone else because he’s occupied my heart so fully, there’s just no room for anyone else anymore. I mean, I’m not some adolescent girl with her first crush; I’m a full-grown woman in her mid-twenties. This is not just a little crush that time would take care of. I tried dismissing it as such but years have passed and my feelings haven’t faded; if anything, they’ve grown stronger, matured, and became something that will stand the test of time.
I have succeeded in fooling myself sometimes that I don’t love him anymore; that I have gotten over him. I don’t see him anymore, you see. Last time I saw him was a couple of days before Christmas last year. But just one text from him is enough to make me smile for days. And much as I would like for it to be, I know I’m so far from over him, it’s laughable. I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts.
(Screen) Name: sinamor1255
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