Still think of him

I still think of him. So many years of my life spent wondering what could have been. Endless nights dreaming of his touch on mine. So much of my wasted time.

Was he my first love? Married to what I call my soul mate. But could we have more than one…

I can’t help all these years later to wander to our times together. No closure. No answers. You never knew how I truly felt. But would you have cared. I have become a master at lying to myself. I have said it so often I almost forget any other way to be.  Almost…

 

Than the memories trickle in. Times to be forgotten. Times with you I pushed away to never let myself feel again. Illicit experiences. Not even I can tell myself why I let you inside that part of me. Not even I know why I could never believe them when they said you were no good for me.

Abuse torture manipulation. You tied me so permanently to that string my puppet master. All those years I danced for you. Now ruined and unable to dance for any other man. Every time I tried to run with the knife, and I looked up only to find I had tied the knot tighter. A part of that string that can never be undone. Poison leading right to my soul.

I remember so many things about you. I can’t help but ask myself if any of it was real. Or was it just a beautiful ballad I had written for myself. Although I am terrified to answer myself the whisper surrounds me. Like a cold wet winters night that no fire will ever melt.

You remain my muse. My one and only inspiration. And while no one has ever ripped me to shreds quite like you, no one will ever sew me together as only your needle can.

I still remember your phone number. Made to delete it. Smiled and said I was willing. Promises I made that I must keep. A play so well written that to be believed as my life depends on it. Secretly the numbers permanently etched in stone so that neither time nor my lies could scratch them away.

Our memories are now like security blankets children are traumatically attached to. I am so terrified to lose you. These last remaining pieces I must treasure and hide deep in my soul. No one can ever know I kept you. As if my house had burned down and you were the only thing I needed to save.

Now left with only words on a screen. not only never being able to speak to you, but not to be able to speak of you either. Yet you remain forever and always my muse. First love?

I will wander the desert of time seeking you in the next life if only to whisper these words to you. Perhaps they are the knotted string. Maybe that’s why I could never see the truth of you and how you debilitated my soul. I would rather walk the oceans and deserts of time seeking knowing I will never find you. Secretly finding solace in my knots.

Its almost as if my mortality depends on each intricately placed knot. I used to think you tied each and every one. I look back and see now that you only handed me the string. And to know now that I know the steps to unravel them yet choose to continue strengthening the rope.  What does that say about me?

I cheated

Well there is this boy i love and his brother asked me out ii couldn’t help :self one day we kissed and 2 months later we started dating i dated both the brothers while i dated 2 of their friends and i regret it coz i love this boy not his brother nor his friends but what made me do all of that was coz he was cheating on me with alto of girl they even stand in front off the gate at home if only he knew how much i loved him

My first love

It all started when all the girls in my class were gathered around the ‘player‘ in our grade. We were all literally around him and we were asking him who he likes because it was a certain that he really likes someone among us.

We were all saying each others’ name and he’d say no to every single one of them. Then came mine. When my name was called out, he looked at me in the eyes and didn’t say a word. Everyone caught onto that apparently because even the class president decided to make us an official couple.

As i was young and naive, i just like him because, well, he’s hot.

But what i realised as i got to know him a lot better that he was never  a player, i was his second girlfriend. and he was a lot more kinder than everyone thought he was. N0t just that, he’s very loyal and he’d get jealous and mad whenever i hung out with guys and i’d cheer him up saying that i only love him.

In class, he sits in front of me so we’d hold hands secretly. We’d argue so often and would make up like nothing happened. We’d hide at the back of the class room and he’d sneak a cheek kiss and thats when i tell myself ‘wow, i’m in love with this guy

Of course every relationship have its ups and downs, we’d fight and make up but after high school we went to different colleges and it was weird. We tried to the very end to make the long distance relationship work. Well at least he thinks he tried.

The college i went to, a few of his friends also go there so i expect him to ask them about me. So as i was walking back to the dorm with a guy friend talking about a tv show we both loved, i thought about how his friends might see me with this guy and get the wrong idea so when i got home, i texted him saying i was walking to the dorm with a guy friend. Guess he couldn’t take it anymore and he said ‘ you like him, don’t you? that’s why you’re telling me this’

I tried. I tried to explain, but before i did he said ‘ let’s break up, i can’t take this anymore, i love you and all but it’s really hard to trust you and i hope we can be friends

and i didn’t even try to stop him.

I just let him go.

I wish i didn’t let him go that easily.

Now he’s gone

I want him to come back

Please.

My story….

I am 26 years old.  When I was 19 years old, I met a guy who swept me off my feet. He was funny, good looking, and most importantly he showed a lot of interest. He was always texting me, facebook messaging, and always being romantic with me. He didn’t confess his love because we were in a status of getting to know each other. He introduced me to his friend  once, he said that I feel that you two think alike so you know each other. In the beginning I thought she is a close friend, but then I found out that they were neighbors but they only communicated online. She told me to beware because he always uses his magic on girls and that he was even showing her some signs but never asked her on a date. She was expecting that he will ask her out, but then he was coming to see me at my uni but never asked her to see her or something. One time I told him that you are playing both of us but he denied it. He said that’s he is just a friend to him and he used to like her but now he doesn’t anymore because she is thinking bad about him. I used to block him out of my life every 2 months or so because I feel that he is a ladies man, and couldn’t trust him and felt he is not moving forward with a relationship just the I miss u, u are beautiful and thinking about u stuff.

He kept chasing me and playing games, he even told the other girl that he wants a relationship with her “online” and she told him that she will test him for 2 months before she decides. she was copying everything to me and he knows that but I knew later that he was using this method so I reply to him because he knows that we were always discussing him and formed a team against him.

The problem is that he kept making me fall for him by being romantic, texting me every 10 mins, but I was always doubtful that this was real love. I wanted him and everytime I meet a new guy who are more established and older than him with jobs and a better future, I couldn’t feel the same spark that I had with him. I was trying so hard to forget him and shut him out of my life because I felt he is not right and maybe he just wants sex from me.

The chase game continued for like 2 years and a half until he confessed his love to me in the most romantic way, and we made out for hours very passionately. Then, after couple of weeks he asked if we could go to his apartment but I refused. he knows that I am not willing to have sex before marriage, but he said that we won’t do it just to make out in private.

the breakup: he was insisting that I come over and I had finals at the time, I was joking so I said ya ok I am coming. I thought he knew that I was joking and he stopped texting me seemingly he was preparing the mood. Then he seemed serious about the time that we will meet to to go together so I continued with this prank and made him go a long way to meet me and I was at home. When he reached there he couldn’t find me and he was soo angry and I stopped picking up the phone so he was mad at me and sent me a message that I am a snake and stuff like that. so I blocked him on everything and I was happy that I got a revenge and instead of him playing me I played him and told our common friend and laughed about it.

I loved him but I thought this guy is a player and I don’t want to be just another girl. He was crazy after 1 month and begged to talk to me and he said he will accept whatever I say and he just wants  us being together even if we don’t kiss and he forgives me because I lied to him and he was angry because he was preparing the whole day and stuff. I didn’t reply and stayed strong and I met another man and I was going out with him and he was super classy and wanted a serious relationship with me. I didn’t have the same spark but I want someone who genuinely cares for me. We got engaged 3 months later. My ex knew and he was devastated and told me that I am insane because I am going to leave the guy because I don’t love him. he said this time I will not chase you anymore, you will have to come back to me or it is over. afterwards, he told me via facebook that he wants to see me one more time, and I didn;t agree staright away but after several attempts I told him okay but with 2 other friends because I am engaged. We met but we didn’t speak of anything concerning what happened with us because we were not alone but he was just looking at me the whole time and he drove us home and that was it.

He then sends me greetings on birthdays and that’s it he doesn’t try to make me leave my fiancée or anything. he asks our friend about me if I am happy or not and sends me greetings with her. When I got married 2 years later he congrats me and he tells me that he is traveling for work because he graduated ( he didn’t use to study and he failed a lot of classes but after we left each other he was concentrating on his studies) He wasn’t religious at all and I was always telling him that he has to change. Now he has done everything that I told him to but when I am not with him,  he changed a lot to the better. It bothers me because I was talking to him for years to change, but when he leaves me he changes for the better.

He once sent me an email asking my advice for marriage and I told him it is a good idea if u are sure you found her, but not just to get married with anyone just for the sake of it. months later, he got engaged to a girl ( on valentine this year) who used to love him, and I was very jealous. He sent me an email less than a week later telling me that he got engaged and why didn’t I congrats him? I told him congratulations and I wish u a happy life together. Then he replied that she is so beautiful and a good person just like u (me) .  it has been like 10 months now and he never asked about me or sent me an email to update me with his news or anything….

All I wanted is this person that he is now! why was he a player with me and now he settled down and he is just 26. he used to say that he won’t get married before 30 at least. and why did he care for my opinion and why didn’t he leave me alone until he really broke my heart

why me?

I’m a strong woman was married. For 26″yrs to long after my divorce..i got with a guy I have know forever..he was kind sweet. Loving and caring..now that we moved in together it awful.I pay all the bills. And food…im a fool looking for a way out..help I’m almost broke and hatee it

 

on a bus

I was travelling in a bus. There was a lot of crowd. I was sitting of the seat away from the window. A girl was standing near me and she was wearing a skirt. Because of the crowd my knee was touching her legs as her back was towards me. I pushed my leg towards her and touched her a little in the portion above her knee. Because of the crowd nobody was noticing it. She havn’t resisted it so i started stroking her leg. Still she havnt reacted at all this increased my confidence and i touched her knee with my hand and started my hand upwards. I reached her panty which was wet and squeezed it hard. OMG i cant say what i was feeling, my mind was drained of blood and i was unable think anything. I played with her pussy with my fingers she was standing still doing nothing, encouraging me too continue.I was knowing that it is wrong but still i was doing then after sometime her stop came and she left the bus along with the people she came with. Afterwards i felt like a loser who cant control my own deeds. I was knowing that it was wrong but i dont know what came over me. I am too ashamed of myself now.

(Screen) Name: Parth

the wall

so here’s the deal, i have a boyfriend we’ve been together for almost 3 years in june so it’s been 2 1/2 years. It’s not that i don’t love him but i need someone to talk to about his. But in 2007 i met this guy we’ll say his name was kc. we’d fight a lot, sometime nothing major it would be over something like hiding his possessions. He never really knew why i did it, sometimes to get his attention other times because i just wanted to have a little fun. it wasn’t till we had a big fight that i began to realize that i loved him. im a stubborn person most of the time i dont like to admit things. after about 4 years i started talking to him again, knowing hes married. we’ve said some things but there’s nobody like him. as i said it’s not like i don’t love who im with his names ken, i love him with everything in me. but i sometimes don’t know where or what i should do. i can very firmly about kc even though we have not been together since sept.2007 that the love i thought would go away hasn’t i can’t make him choose, it wouldn’t be fair but he also cant make me. it’s like something that haunts you because you’ve done the wrong thing well, he haunts my dreams, when i dream i have dreams about him, about other people too. i think one of my biggest fears why i dont say everything that i want to like how i didnt want to leave or i dont always say what’s on my mind is because of how others will precieve it. i feel like no matter what i do i cant win.

(Screen) Name: junks1988

I needed to vent .

Okaay, so I needa talk to someone . Well, I was dating this boy for like.. Almost 7 months. Everything was perfect. I thought he was the one; I could picture us raising our kids together & stuff .-. Yenoo’ the type of things you think when you’re in love. Okay, but this is what happened . We. Would have our occasional close-breakup but right after, he’d send me a relationship request? But the last time he didn’t? Then he stopped talking about me on his statuses, he stopped texting me while he went to his volleyball games. He said he was supporting his friends? I was cool with it till I heard about him & some girl. Let’s call her Lola. I asked him about her , he was like ‘she’s just a friend’ but if she was, then why wouldnt he let me meet her? It’s whatever. We ended up breaking up on our 7th month anniversary & the same day, he kissed her. Literally broke my heart to pieces. Then, I saw him with his BESTFRIEND ! Let’s call her Ana. He started messing around with her, but then he’ text me begging for me back, giving me hope we’d be together again. But nah; he started dating Ana. Ana cheated on him. He got with me. I felt like a second option & the feelings just weren’t there . I left him; he got with Lola. He left her & got with Ana again. & it’s just killing me because I know he’s telling her everything he told me. So it’s like our 7 months were nothing. They were lies. He was a player & I fell for the game. Now it’s hard not to compare every guy to him. I just want something like him .

(Screen) Name: Forgotten0818

im inlove with the person who has already GF

when i was in highschool i kept on looking him,i told myself that i want to get in touch with him. and as time goes by, hindi ko na siya nakita, but when i entered college i saw him he was my schoolmate,the feeling that i have with him “hindi nawala,still eager and waiting for him,at first i disappointed, “he has already a GF” i was hurt so much…i couldn’t even understand…i really love him,i dont know why??? can you help me what should i do?

(Screen) Name: elegant mhe