Today was very hard. More than other days. Every so often there will be something that happens that makes the weight of my loss unbearable, and I completely lose control of the hold that I have on acting like everything’s ok. Today was one of those days. I was walking down the hallway, keeping my eyes to the left of me because she comes from the opposite direction down the hallway. Just when I thought that I passed this obstacle of my daily routine, she walks out right in front of me. For the first time in months, we were within three feet of each other. And when I thought it couldn’t get worse, our hands touch. Can you believe it? And like a shockwave it all come flooding back to me. All of the memories I’ve been trying to suppress rushed into my brain to quick for me to attempt to stop it. Not only that, but the ungodly might of my burning want for those days to be back could have brought a grown man to his knees. And last but not least, the shame of how I’ve been acting these last few weeks with other girls made the cherry on top. Guess what? Now, I’ve got the biggest slut in the school sending me nudes and telling me about how badly she wants me to fuck her. I’ve had to shoot down this poor girl’s hopes of dating me, before I abused her infatuation with me by convincing her that we could be “friends with benefits” instead. And lets not forget how I’ve been flirting with some other girl through snapchat this entire time. The hate for who I’ve become hit me hard. And the embarrassment of the fact that this is all because of a summer fling crippled the last of my prideful defenses. I needed to get out of there. Away from all of these people. I needed to sit down. I needed help. I thought that if I don’t seek out some kind of relief right then, that holding on to my dignity wouldn’t matter, because easing some of the pain was more important than my pride. That’s how bad it was. I actually considered talking about it. And if you’ve been reading this far, I’m sure you know how prideful I am. But at the time, confiding in somebody was step two on the list. Step one was getting away from all of these people. Thankfully, I’m good friends with the nurse. So I walk down to the nurses office, and before I get there I feel the all too familiar tears start to welt up on my eyes. I was falling apart. My plan was too go to the nurses office, ask if I could go into the back room to lie down, and then try to sort out my emotions and put the pieces back together. What do I see when I walk up to the door? NURSE IS OUT. GO TO FRONT DESK. Locked. Of course. I wipe my eyes and start to panic. All I want is someplace to sit down, away from everyone. Away from the judgemental eyes of my peers, asking me whats wrong. Shame leaks into me. For about the millionth time I think to myself, your pathetic. After I thought those words, it gave me enough willpower to suck it up and go to class. My pride was the only thing caring me on, the only thing barely keeping me composed. I walk through the hall, everybody already at their classes. I stumble past one of my english teachers. I must have had a pretty sad look on my face because she gave me a sad smile and in a concerned voice asked me if I was ok. Thankfully I’ve got lying about my emotions down to an art form at this point. “I’m good, thanks.” Even added a fake smile, because of how sorry for me she looked. I walk into my class and sit down. All of this noise. Why won’t these people just shut up and leave me alone for Christ’s sake. Tears welt up in my eyes again. I quickly blink them away before anybody sees.

I can’t let this happen again. I’m going to have to take even more precautions to insure I don’t see her in the halls. Today scared me, because it was a reminder of how fragile I am. One touch is all it took to cripple me. And seeing her face up close, almost being able to reach out to her and hold her like I used to, to hear her whisper in my ear “I adore you” like she used to tell me. I wanted it back so bad. Today, reader, I realized something that I’ve been keeping suppressed from myself for months. Even through all of this suffering, even through all that she’s said and done to ruin my name, insult me, and make me feel completely worthless…I still love her. God, how I love her.

-ET

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