Tonight When I Sleep

I. I’m staring at you from afar
Wondering how beautiful you are
Thinking where is my part
And how you stole my heart

II. It just turned out one day
Twisted happens to what I say
That if I don’t see your lore
I cannot breathe anymore

III. We are strangers when awake
But we are lovers in my dream
Sadly, but that is the reality
That you will be mine, in dreams only

IV. You are ignoring me, what can I say?
But believe me that is OK
Because later on you will love me deep
Tonight, when I sleep

V. It hurts me so, can’t understand
Why do you still hold his hand?
Even though you already know
That you are not the only one he love so

VI. Your eyes are weak, I know you cry
Of course, because of that stupid guy
You choose to stay with him
And live your life in dim

VII. If you only knew that you are the Queen
In my well imagined dream
You will choose to be with me
And leave him willingly

VIII. I cannot protect you in this dimension
So dream with me then I’ll fight away invasion
Here in me, your heart will be safely keep
Tonight, if we sleep

IX. I saw you all alone
Sadness on your face was shown
I gathered all the confidence that I hide
To have the guts to sit on your side

X. I saw a tear fell from your eye
So I handed you a tissue to make it dry
You smile at me, as sweet as strawberry cream
A smile which I only see in my dream

XI. Then we became real friends
More time together we spend
I was surprised when on my side you stand
And you slowly hold my hand

XII. I can’t believe what I just hold
The shape of your hand is here forever mold
We act intimate and fructose sweet
Even if I don’t sleep

XIII. I woke up one day I don’t see you anymore
So I find you with undying endeavor
I saw you on the corridor covered with screen
When I pull it over I saw you kissing him

XIV. You show me rejection instead of explanation
And asked me to go away because I cause you distraction
How I wish that what I saw will not retain
But when I looked back, you are kissing him again

XV. My heart is broken into tiny pieces
And putting them back for me is senseless
Because it won’t function anymore
I’ll just leave it scattered on the floor

XVI. I regret knowing you when I am awake
Because the real you is just a bunch of fake
I’d rather be with you when my conscious is sweep
Tonight, when I sleep…

(Screen) Name: Niko

The first time I had a crush on somebody is when i was 7 years old. because my siblings and my cousins are all girls, i think i become so attarcted to cute boys but at the same time, i am also too shy to talk to boys too. so you can tell, since 7 until now, i have crush on gazillion of guys. however, when I turned 13, i went to a bording school. there, i met this one guy. he was so cute with his charming smile, fair skin, smart brain, but most importantly he was very pious. this guy don’t talk to girls much including me. but i always eyeing him. his personality attract me the most. at the hostel, i always talked about him until all my friends can detect the HUGE crush i kept for him. yeah, sometimes he annoyed me by refusing to talked to girls except for important matter. during 5 years of being in boarding school, i have to admit… he was not my only crush. but, the other crush seem to come and go and none can really attract me except for him. i don’t know why i kept thinking about him on those days until i figured out i truly have fall for him. he was my first love! my friends really did a great job on trying to hook us up which mada me happy but so shy and finally turns to shame. the guy tried to avoid me. its not like i tried to catch him, except for the gossip my frinds made. his act really hurt me. i wonder, why can’t he just act normal??? i not an ugly witch who tried to cast a spell on the guy she likes. i would never chase after guy although i like them so badly. so i repeat, IT HURT A LOT! after i finally end my high school, i thought i would never see him again. it does hurt too,because everyday my eyes will fix on him and watch every steps he takes, but not being able to see him again is nothing compare to the scars he made on me before. so i would prefer not to see him. however, we met again in college but he won’t be long there. he will continue his studies in medicine in egypt. i think my first love isn’t as wonderful as the other but thinking of him always made me feel ease. he never knew he had left a deep scars on my heart and he had become a part of my history but i still can’t stop thinking about him. hopefully, i’ll find someone better than him who would always notice how i feel, what i think and what i want. hope you’ll find someone! best of luck my ex-love….

(Screen) Name: nicky

I was married for 14 years and finally realised the marriage was loveless. We seperated and I started going out again, I was 33. One drunken evening whilst dancing in a club a man grabbed my bottom. I got chatting with him and discovered he was 8 years my junior! I arranged to meet him the following week after exchanging many texts. The problem was that i couldnt remember what he looked like, i walked passed him 4-5 times and then phoned him and asked where he was. He told me he was infront of the hot nuts machine! I met him and thought that he is not my type at all.
But we chatted and continued to meet as friends regularly. However much to my suprise he had already got a girlfriend although they were going through lots of problems. After a period of flirting and chatting he was really getting under my skin.
He left her and then made a move on me, we lasted for approximately 6 weeks and then he decided to go back to her (after persuasion from his family). Over the next few years we would meet for one night and share a loving kiss (however often wanting more but resisting). After that it would be months before we met again. This continued over a period of 6 years.
During this time he was still with his girlfriend (now fiance) and I also had a fiance. But we continued to meet. He was due to get married in February and I was due in August. I was shocked and hurt when i found out he was getting married. I spoke to him and he said that it was expected of him and that he would just have to live with it. I told him that I could not see him again once he was married and he agreed. As a result of him saying he had to ‘live with his decision’, it actually made me stop and think about my own relationship. I was telling Chris he was a fool for marrying her and yet I was being hypocritical. I broke off my engagement.
Chris and I continued to chat and he asked me to help him break off the wedding. I agreed and said I would talk to his mum. He comes from a large irish family and family are very important to him. However about a month before the wedding he told me not to talk to his mum and I respected his decision. I went to the church that day and saw him on his wedding day. That day I decided to move on from Chris.
I saw him about 4 weeks later and got really upset, I was shocked at my feelings, I didnt think I would feel like that and found it hard talking to him. That night we ended up kissing once more. I spoke to a friend about him and said I didnt know how I felt and what I wanted from him. We continued to meet on occasions and then started taking the dogs out together. He told me how his relationship was and I listened. We both wanted each other but resisted once again.
We met one night when his wife was away and we spent the night together, this was the first time in 6 years. It was at this time he realised that it was now or never. He promptly left his wife and started seeing me shortly after.
That was 6 months ago………… I woke up this morning with a big pair of eyes staring at me saying morning princess and telling me how much he loves me and what a wonderful feeling that was. We both agree that if we had stayed together originally that the relationship probably wouldn’t have worked as our relationship would of been built on lust. Instead after 6.5 years we have built a solid foundation of friendship and love. We have a fantastic relationship full of love and laughter. We both now agree that there was always something there but we weren’t sure what it was. We now both know. They say the best things come to those who wait………….It did for us.
I Love You Chris x

(Screen) Name: Jojo

It wasn’t something that i’m searching for, for all these years. i just couldn’t help myself for it . it was so fast that i don’t even notice how it occurs. i just too curious to know about some people, but then it turned up into something weird and i just don’t know how or what to say about it.

it was such a dilemma when i had a crush with this ‘handsome boy’. the very first time i saw him, i was just melting and i just can’t stop myself from staring at him, because i was paralysed for a few second (until my friend called up my name). then i started keeping my eyes on him,as he was such a heart-throb, and until later i know that he was a casanova also..how i wished he was mine..until one moment while i was chatting about with my girl friend,also my best friend, he bumped to me and interrupt our conversation. well, we’re just talking about glasses, but the voice and the glance in his eyes was really melting me down, and i was too excited to answer him, until my best friend start talking to him. it was like, ‘please, my gal, he is talking to ME!!’ but it wasn’t like what i want. i know i can speak to him, but i was too nerverse to say a word, until he left. (i was melting, remember?!) then i just can’t stop myself from telling the sparkling in my heart to my best friend. as i was about to say, her twin came up and say ‘he looks really like your ex-guy.’…and i was, ‘what? no, not that guy! not that handsome boy of mine!’- but it was. how i hate that! ho come i even have same taste with my girl friend? and she was just broke up with her guy! how come come a ‘best friend’ can simply have fun of that situation? even though it wasn’t the same guy whose her ex, but still i was considering about my girl’s feelings. it’s like stealing your best friend’s guy which make them broke up! i won’t do that! i’ll never do that in fact! that’s how it’s been secret from my girl for all these years..well, it’s just a crush anyway..

then i continuing missing him. a lot that i wished i could talk to my girl somehow. only then another things came up. i went to join a summer camp later, and my girl wasn’t there. it was such a hateful feelings when we’re surrounded by anonymous and place full of strangers. back in school, i was from a girl school, and i was a kind of anti-guy person, so when i turned up for the camp, it was a really messy and complicated situation for the first few weeks, really! (how i hate all guys there, before i get to know that there’re still nice guys out there.)but it doesn’t bother my feelings at all, as i thought my feelings is stronger for the ‘handsome boy’.i was only enjoy in marching practices, as i love marching a lot. so there was a squad leader for every squadron. and my squad leader was promoted to become the chief of all the leaders. and of course, all the squadron activities was strongly related to him. he was always there, and only Lord knows how much i hated him! i know that i’m always just an ordinary person,and he was such a king, leading every people. but how come he distracted me by doing all the mental abusing acts? may be people didn’t notice it, but i was too depressed with him. why must he always shouting at me,purposely bumped into me, imitating my acts, asking me stupid questions,but never want to ‘talk’ to me? it was like he’s just using me and i was the stupid. how i wished we’re never met! but then, still, he does something that makes me wonder-why? as i noticed, he was always glaring at me as i did something wrong. then he lend me his hand with the laundry, as he never get him self involved with others, and i’m still not sure about the ‘part-time’ care that he gave to me, whether it’s real or just pretending to. but the climax was when he was there, soothing me after a tragic-damn-cold-night,(i never want to mention about it forever) how i hated him, but still i thanked God because he was there and i just need him. until the camp was over and i left earlier, that’s how the feelings changed. i always teased by him in many ways, he always be around the group, and he’s always lead us, so when i was no longer around him, i felt this very strange, strong and complicated feelings on him. i was so distracted because i always missed his voice, his moves, his way of talking, moving, running, walking, eating and simply everything. until i fell sick and always calling up for him. i never thought it would be a difficult life for me then, wishing he will search for me later, but nothing happen. until i kept him as my only ‘hero’,(even though i still think that i still hated him). i never cares about the feelings until my other friends told me that it was a beautiful feelings called ‘love’.

after years of living without him, i feel more comfortable even though i never recognize my former self. when i continuing my studies, i think i’m a better person without him, and i’m still trying to forgive and forget him. until i met a new person.

almost the same starting, but this guy tend to talk to me. i never really noticed him at first, but i really enjoy plus curious, about the attention he gave to me. until he wished me for my birthday, only then i open my eyes to get to know about him better. it wasn’t any serious relationship, but he really makes up my day. i just love to be around him, until there was signals of unfulfilled desires and jealousy among the other girls, and also guys may be. that’s because he is such a juicy lollipop among the others! it’s no wonder why i became the centered for a past few times. i hate gossips, so i warned him to get ourself more careful in public. it’s not like i’m avoiding him, just i want to make sure there’s nothing negative perception in between us. so that’s how it may begin. because now, he’s no longer the same person who loves to greet me every time we met, no longer the person who enjoy talking to me, and there’s no longer a warm, comfortable conversation between us. am i the one to blame? am i too selfish to admit that i really like him? i’m not sure. after all these times, i just get myself busy to get rid of those memoirs, as it really hurt me so much. and i did it all alone, by myself. it’s really cold between us, no matter i tried to greet him, it wasn’t the same. i really feel that he’s avoiding me. i just have to make up my minds in forgetting him and all those goods and beautiful memories that he done to me, in a little bit more time. how i missed him very much.

now there’s hardly a conversation between us, i never know how could i tell him the truth. up untill now, i’m still speechless.

(Screen) Name: J.F. Timmy

Two years ago,I thought my bestfriend is the one I love most. I even confessed to him so many times. And every time I confess my feelings toward him, he just felt annoyed. He just laughs and treats me like a little sister. Well, I couldn’t blame him. He got hurt from the women he loved. Now he just doesn’t know what love really means. Back to my story, Benjie did gave me the shocks of every high schoolgirls would have. I am one of the campus playgirls. I go in an dout of any relationship that won’t even last for a month. Then, I would leave them hanging asking themselves, “What did I do?”
That’s how I throw myself out of despair. My first boyfriend met an accident after that. While he’s out of the country, I was with other guys. Though we lasted for more than a year, I just treated him as my best friend. He feels it and he keeps on asking me why. I just smile at him. He knows why. He knows who I love really. Then, he said he would be leaving the country again to study. I wasn’t surprised, wasn’t shocked. I wasn’t even sad about it. But when he was on the plane, something in my heart really pounded. Then, he called before the plane got off. He said that after that call, he was setting me free. He couldn’t handle me because I can’t tame myself. I”m in lone with another and he can’t take it because he can’t change it. He cried while he was singing to me the last song he’ll ever dedicate to me…Iris.
Months after that, he was drunk with his cousin. He was completely drunk but he still wanted to drive their motorcycle. He drove fast over the slippery road. Then a car just hit them. I received his mother’s call, about him being comatosed in the hospital for three days and that he didn’t make it, on the day of my graduation. I was crying that day, not because I would be apart from my friends but because I lost someone who let feel I’m wanted and loved. Since then, I really never got involved with men. But as for my bestfriend, he wasn’t about to give up and let him be the center of my sadness. He can’t take my confessions so he gave my number to his other friend. That’s when I got to know someone named Benjie. He never lied to me about his life because we thought we wouldn’t really have the chance of seeing each other because we’re just textmates. That’s where we went wrong. I was sent to another school where I didn’t expect to be adjacent to their school. And since he only take me as a challenge, he courted me. First, when we haven’t seen each other yet. And then he courted me again personally. I promised myself then that I wouldn’t fall for anyone. Not to someone like him who hates his family and have too many girlfriends. I sometimes even catch him having drinking sessions with his classmates. I even caught him smoking. Somehow, I felt like being challenged too. He wasn’t like my first boyfriend. He was altogether different. He’s the rebel. I gave him my “yes” when my other bestfriend was getting all cranky because of my dilemma with depression with what happened to my first bf. He was like catching me in the time I felt killing myself. And I thought, I missed playing with guys. Until I came back with my old habit of dating other guys and letting them court in front of him. He would never say he’s jealous. And I know that because he has other girls while it’s still us. One time, I was dating this guy inside our campus. I was also texting the other that was courting me by that day. So I never noticed where he was pulling me to. I just noticed that we were on the 4th floor of one of the buildings . And it was getting dark. I have to go home but he insisted. He told me stay with him for awhile. I thought I will loose something precious in his hands by that time. I was afraid because I was the manipulator but back there, there’s nothing I could do. He was taller than me. And he’s a really big guy. When something knocked me back into my senses, I pushed him back and managed to runaway. Mark, the other guy who was courting me, was waiting for me. I never managed to tell him what happened to me. I was thinking of my real boyfriend whom I was expecting to be like that but never touched me roughly. The next day, I just can’t help myself revealing to him what happened. I never expected myself to cry in his arms. He even got mad and almost tore down the chair we were sitting on. It was then I felt he cared for me. And then, after that, I was having doubts if I should be serious about our relationship with him. Time passed and still I can’t decide to myself. Then I had a medical examination. I have odd feelings about my body. I hardly get enough sleep. And I always tire myself too much that maybe to some extent, my body got exhausted. The doctor told me that there could be a risk of me having only a short lifespan by then. He said some years perhaps. I was more than afraid. I’m only seventeen. I haven’t enjoyed life, I haven’t got any kids. And I’m going to die after graduation? My world shattered and I told Benjie about that. I was surprised when he embraced me tightly. I told myself that maybe he was just trying to comfort me. That he just cares that a lot. Then I felt his tears on my shoulder, I also started to cry. He told me that he’ll change. That he would make me happy and forget about it. For the first time, I believed him. The doctor prescribed me some medicine that could help me cure the disease. While taking the medicines, Benjie gave his full attention to me. He cut off his other relationships and so his friends too that influences him about his habits. Little by little, he did changed. And so did I.I got cured, but I’m still keeping myself safe because of other risks. Now that he’s beside me, nothing could go wrong. I have my rebel by my side now, and the only thing he’s crazy about is me as I am to him…

Name (use screen name if you don’t want your real name published): jhian