THESE FEELINGS CAN NEVER GO AWAY
By A. Melendez

The feelings I have for him. The way I think of him, the way I remember him, his soft sweet voice, that calls for me in the night. Those wonderful large sad eyes of his and the way they filled with tears when I was crying into his hands begging him not let me go again. The way his body felt against mines, the last time we laid down together, when his heart was touching my heart. Still hear it pounding, still can hear him say my name…over and over and over again. Or was it me…saying his name over and over and over again. These feelings of passion and want, so much want that I can’t bear. It feels like I want to “catch up” with the years that have past and separated us through circumstances.

Can this be what has made all the great star-crossed lovers stories of the past famous? The lovers that never got it quite right and were destined to be torn apart and separated.

Lovers like Romeo and Juliet, Heathcliff and Catherine, Yuri Zchivago and Lara? I’d like to think so; I’d like to glorify this “love” as something like that. But this is neither a movie nor a sad song. This is a crime to my heart…It’s a wound that does not go away. It sits in my heart and stays with me day and night.

Soulmates I have been told. What a laugh….soulmates? What am I learning now from this beautiful man….did I kill him in another lifetime? Were we gladiators fighting in a coliseum in Rome centuries ago and as he lay down I pierced his heart with my sword? Did I hold him captive in some dungeon every night and tortured him? Did I love him and leave him stranded somewhere with his heart pounding waiting for me to return? Did I run away and never come back into his arms again? Was that how it started?

Must have been a pain beyond your wildest imagination because surely now, I feel the consequences and the anguish returned to me. I have not stopped crying since I found him, I have not thought one second of a way to get him to “Come back to me”, his LOVE, the one he wanted before, the girl he longed for. I think I love him too much, if one can love someone that much. Maybe he is weak; maybe it’s too soon for him. All the excuses, and still, I lie alone in my bed, thinking of HIM and what went wrong…Fate, Destiny, Karma, Circumstances…all words

The story starts out innocently enough…July 13, 1977

A long time ago he felt this way about me. I was too young to know. Only a child myself, in many ways, just beginning to learn about the power that every young woman knows she has inside of her as she is turning into a woman. The sexual power a young beautiful girl has at the peak of her teen-age years can be very strong, especially to a young teen-age boy who was only too eager to be around her and love her.

He just happened to be there in July 1977 in a small deli near one of the favorite hang outs of all young people near the beach in Brooklyn, NY, I met him while my Cousin and I were buying our snacks in the morning and I heard her talking to someone at the counter as I bought my sweet peaches from the produce section. I heard her saying hello and that was when I heard a voice that must sound like what angel sounds when they talk.

At that time in my life, I took him for granted, another one of my sweet boyfriends who were in abundance in those early summers of my life in Brooklyn. A very handsome, strong, tall and sexy boy that I thought was a bit awkward but sweet, quiet but with a gentleness that you could also find in a good friend as well. My cousin introduced us as we walked together along the boardwalk. The same boardwalk that 33 years later, we would both find ourselves walking across, in a different season. This time there would be no bathing suits or shorts, no sunshine, no working on our tans and no anticipation for a “date” later on and no sitting by the water. This time, it would be cold and bitter but with a beautiful full moon out in the dark sky looking down on two beautiful sweet lovers of the past that Should Have Been.

What was I to know back then? How was I supposed to know…that this sweet and loving boy, now one of the most handsomest men I know, would end up back in my life and teaching me what the words “In Love” really means over 30 years and 30 summers later, in my “Golden Years”

I moved around quite a bit after I left him “standing at the beach”. I wanted to marry my first boyfriend ever. Only a short but brief marriage but always coming back to Brooklyn to see my family in between breaks from my young married life. Always, always, he was there. The sweet boy who was also my friend and playmate as I can remember. I never ever thought of him as anything more. We grew up alittle together. Shared some thoughts and good times. Always around, always someone I can speak to about my problems, but when I think about it now, I don’t think we ever really spoke about any problems, there were many more years ahead for those conversations.

As the years past, approaching my 50th year on this planet, I started to think more about my life and where it was going never to be fully satisfied with one job, place to live or man to love (it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls). Its like the song from U2 – “I Still haven’t found what I’m Looking For.” Until one day – in September 2009…. My time for “Karmic debt repayment” began. It was to be the worst and the most wonderful time in my life…. my love, my wonderful, sweet and handsome love, was sent back to me, unknowingly, through sad news.

It was on September 22nd to be exact; that I found out a former boyfriend of mines had passed. He was the love of my teen-age years and I was devastated to learn that he had died at such an early age. It was such heartache to hear this and I cried so much for my friend. I should of known that these tears were but an omen, a prelude of what was to come in the next months
.
“…Hello Its Me, I’ve thought about us for a long, long time…”

What is it about speaking with someone that you have not spoken with in years that makes you nervous? I mean, what do you say to them??? Hello, how are you? Glad to hear your voice again? What’s going on? When he called me and I heard his voice, it was like hearing from a ghost, someone who was in the past, still frozen in time….It was very strange to me to hear this man again, this man who I knew from when he was a boy, someone who was just another boyfriend on the beach, a friend of the family, this man, that I had some of my earliest sexual experiences with, this man who is now, older, speaking to me from across the miles and who would eventually bring me to my knees for the true love that I started to feel for the first time in my small, chaotic, , miserable little life.

It Should Have Been Me.

That is all I could think about after this. Back into my life, wow, how could I even think that this guy would love me again? Should I play my cards right and sit and wait. My friend…Baby, come back to me, I would ask, beg, then we finally met in Brooklyn – January 2010. It was to be the happiest time in my life. It was also to be the beginning of a love affair that was so worth waiting for, the arguments we would have, sometimes not talking to each other for weeks, then months. It was the worst time in my life if I can remember now, my bloodshot eyes, missing him not calling me. I used to call him and leave a message for him to call me, silence, all the while from him. Death to me.

One time, he was ill, and I flew into LA to see him. I had to be careful and waited until I knew that I was to be the last of visitors. I stayed at a nearby hotel. I was so worried. He had a problem with his throat, he had some virus that stopped him from working for a while. I went to see him and he looked so tired and sad, but when he saw me come to him, he had that sweet smile on him again.

We were together for a few years until I fell ill. It was my daughter who told him that I was in the hospital. He came to see me and I was so embarrassed that he saw me that way. I did not even want him to come all that way. But I guess when you are in this much love with an old friend, distance is nothing. We came a long way from 1977 – it was no bother.

My love, who I never married, my lover, who I never gave a son to, my long lost love who was brought to me by Fate to love again, thank God, all I can say, Thank God that my Love was brought to light to see that this was all good, and worth it.

He comes by to see me, his Leyna as he always called me, every year now. Slowly as he walks towards me, he sits at the bench that faces me. Its been over 30 years since they laid me down to rest, as if I could ever rest, and when I see him, I still get that whistful feeling, like I did in life when I knew he was going to call me, or that one time when he visited me in my hotel room in Brooklyn years ago for the reunion. Still with that handsome face, sad eyes and sweet smile. He walks slower towards me. Once, I saw him weep into his hands. He wept so much that I thought he felt me sitting beside him. My sweet man, so happy to see him but wish he would not make that long pilgrimage to see me because it was so far for him to travel. Wonderful man, now a grandfather, loyal friend, my only love, who as I lay here, year after year, winter and coldness, the heat and the darkness, I still love….these feelings that can never go away, even in death.

To My Soulmate Elio- Winter, 2010
Chandler AZ

(Screen) Name: Amy

We’ve known each other since we were young. We were said to be family friends. We see each other during family gatherings and other parties. Years passed, we grew up as teens and we became lovers. I was in junior high school then and he just entered college. He lives miles away from where I am. He used to drive 9 hours from his hometown just to see me for a day or two.

Nobody knew about us except his relatives and my sisters. I used to deny our relationship because my parents doesn’t want him to be my boyfriend even though we’re said to have this “family connection” since their family was known to be boastful and arrogant.

Everything started with just a joke — with some sort of teasing; a few sweet messages, a few calls and a few “getting-to-know-each-other” sessions. We even never had a serious date with just the two of us unless we celebrated our second year anniversary as boyfriend-girlfriend. Despite all the rumors and the walls between us, we still find ways to see each other even just for a night. He often visit me once a month. He rides a bus during the day just to see me that night, and goes home at sunrise. We used to sneak out just to ease the feeling of missing each other so much.

After four years of having a serious and intimate relationship at a very young age, I became pregnant. My parents and his parents never knew about it not until I was carrying the baby for four months already. We couldn’t hide it for too long because my tummy is growing bigger and bigger and I could not continue my studies. And so, we decided to let them know as soon as possible.

I rode a bus from my place to where he works. His parents met us there. We talked and decided to let my parents know with their presence. But everything turned out very different. His aunt called my father and told him about it. My father told my mom and together, they went to the place where we stayed. His parents went home and left us. When my parents arrived, I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I heard my father’s footsteps and I was surprised that my mom came rushing and hit me with her fist. That was hard that I thought I was gonna lose my child. She hit my tummy and my father held her hands telling her to stop for they can do nothing but to accept what happened. I really can’t understand how I felt that time. I was looking for my partner but he wasn’t there. He left me. He didn’t even go out of his room to check me out and protect me. I was looking for someone to be my side, and nobody’s there. I really wished I’d die that day. I cried so hard until the sun’s up.

I lived with my partner away from our parents during my pregnancy. I should be happy but it was totally the opposite of what I hoped to be. I caught him cheating on me. I felt so down to the point that I always call my best friends just to have an outlet.

A few months after, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I thought it would be the start of our “happy ever after” but it turned out to be the start of our “bitter days.” I was sent home — very far away from him. He only touched his son for two weeks. We weren’t able to spend our Christmas together, and New Year and Valentine’s Day. We saw each other again during our son’s baptism. That was the first time he saw his child after birth.

Without me knowing, he was very hurt and became very ill. He became too thin and he diverted his attention to lots of work and a few dolls (girls). I asked myself, ‘How could I survive this kind of relationship?’ I decided not to ask him about it but I let him feel that I know something. Months passed and everything went out right. But it didn’t stayed that long. Maybe because of my trauma of him having third party, I want our communication to be very constant. I call at least twice a week and i send him SMS very often. It seems like he doesn’t want what I’m doing. I can’t understand. Our bond starts to loosen and time came that I’ve heard a lot of issues about him. It even came to the point that he denied what I saw.

I felt betrayed. It’s like I was the only one loving.

I found a way to ease the pain. My best friends and my son were my only outlets. I go out frequently with them and I hang out with my classmates everywhere. Time came that I felt numb for everything. I get used of hearing negative things. I was tired of all the issues. I don’t listen to his lame excuses. I didn’t isolate myself. We broke up. I was deeply hurt yet I have moved on.

Two years after, I found someone. I like him and I love him. He’s married with three kids and on his annulment process. He promised me to wait for three years and within that, we’ll be legally together and we’ll build a family of our own.

We’re together for almost a year now and I feel so lucky that still, I found someone like him. Though he has kids on his first marriage, he was like the answers to my prayers. I prayed for someone who can understand me — someone who knows what I’m going through; someone who can relate and someone who can love me like I wanted to.

Now, we were still waiting for his annulment and has planned to settle with my child and his children after his legal separation with his wife, in God’s time.

(Screen) Name: mustNOTbeNAMED

When I was in middle school, I always tried to give dating a chance. I was only 14 at the time, so
of course I was a bit experienced and naive. My cousin Kristina who was also my age seemed to
be more into serious relationships then I had ever been. She kissed boys in the halls while I just pushed my boyfriend away childishly, as if he was my best friend. My mother knew Kristina was older mentally than physically, while I was still into cartoons and wanting to hang out with friends. I remember seeing Kristina lose her first love, which seemed unbearable. She cried for a long time, i myself could feel her heartache. I never wanted to go what she went through, and i always heard my mom say, ” I’ll never have to worry about Alyssa, shes always mean to them boys.”
So after the weeks i seen my cousin cry over how tragic it was to lose her first love, vowed and said,” That will never be me.”
High school soon came at an instant, I was a freshman at North County. My classes were all far away in different halls, there was no group to follow anymore. I remember walking into my first class, it was foundations of art. The smell of paint stung my nose, giving me a small headache. My teacher was a tall skinny woman, thick rimmed glasses, olive green pants, and freckles the covered her nose. Ms. Gshweng was her name. I had gotten to pick my own seat. Which was quite difficult since this was my very first class as a highschooler. One table full of preps, another with immature freshman who I didn’t want to get involved with, then the table with one friend i knew. His name was John, in my middle school last year. I was completely overwhelmed that I had someone to talk to. There were two other boys at the table, and with out me knowing, one of these boys would change my life dramatically. John introduced me to a boy who sat accrossed from him, his name was Charles but everyone called him Bunky.
I sat beside him and smiled, ” Hey I’m Alyssa, im a freshman here.” Bunky gave me a warm smile, ” Hey I’m a senior here.” Knowing he was a Senior made me a little nervous, he was two years older then me. I never was use to talking to teens older then me, so i figured I’d have to make an adjustment. Months had went by, and the more i talked to him the more i grew fonder. I’d always take his house keys so that he would have to find me near the buses at the end of the day, because i felt the need to see him again. We became close, so close. We talked online, in class, in the halls. Occasionally he’d walk me to class. He was my best friend and the only thing i could talk about with my friends.
Then the dreaded ending of the semester came, where we would switch to our new classes. He went to photography as well as I. But on different times. It killed me not being able to see him as much as i did. Art class kept us together, talking. I realized, i was in love with him, his walk, that crooked smile of his when he told me the ridiculous stories of things he had done in the past. Never have i had such strong feelings. Then in April came the school year was reaching it’s end, which meant not even being able to glimpse at Bunky in the halls. I cringed at the thought.
One night i went online, since Bunky had told me he added me on myspace. I got a message saying that he liked me, and that he thought he was below my standards since i was so beautiful. I felt butterflies in my stomach as i read each sentence. After that day, i asked him if he’d date me and he said yes with no hesitations.
We dated for a year, I fell head over heels in love with that boy. He was everything i ever hoped for. Everything i ever needed, or so i thought. Clearly do i remember a month after our year anniversary, he all together stopped talking to me as much, no phone calls every night at 9:30 to tell me goodnight, or the sweet kisses he would give me on my forehead. The things about me on his myspace were deleted. I felt my heart begin to beat faster as i thought of reasons of why he would leave me. I gave him everything i had. My love for him was unconditional, I’d miss everyday he was away. I swore up and down that he was god sent, my gift from heaven.
Sometimes i felt like i was over reacting but the signs were so clear. I just didn’t want to believe it. Denial was my greatest downfall. My friend angel and her boyfriend Danny were worried since i was spending most of my time indoors locking myself in my room, so they took me out to get a pedicure. Bunky somewhat off my mind, i kept looking at my cellphone waiting for his text. Something he hadn’t sent me for 3 days. Nor did i speak to him for 3 days. Which got me worried. Then my phone vibrated. I felt my heart leap as i grabbed the phone from the end table in the nail salon. It was from Bunky! But when i opened the text, my excitement faded. My heart fell all the way to the pit of my stomach. The text had said, ” I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.”
At that moment i felt truly alone. Tears fell like bullets, my stomach tied into a knot. I cradled my head in my hands. I left the salon and went to the bathroom, Angel and Danny followed. Then i had passed out on the floor because of stress.
My life became my worst nightmare. I lost my first love, something i vowed i would never go through. But it hit me like lightning, he was gone i would never see him again. For he didn’t want to. I was mad at him. But now that i look back, i wish i could thank him. For giving the best year of my life. He shown me what true love is, without him i never would have felt it. I miss him dearly, sometimes i think of that day i met him in class, i still walk by that class today. I just smile. He’ll always have a special place in my heart. And he will always be known as my first love.

(Screen) Name: AlyssaKarn