I got a new job, after a day or two i noticed this girl out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t look, i could tell just from my peripheral vision that she was cute- i like to think of myself as a professional despite my age so i didn’t particularly want to meet anyone at work. It was few days after i started i guess when she talked to me during lunch, she asked if i went to iowa middle school- i said yes. I think that was the first time i really got to examine her. We were about 12-15 ft from each other when she asked me that, if i remember correctly she even remembered my name. I couldn’t remember her at all, i asked her name and she said laken- a name i had never even heard before. I asked her if she went there as well and she said yes, that we were in a few grades together. After that, there were a few occasions were she would visit my work area to give me something or just to talk about something random for a moment- it was around this time i realized that she might like me. Let me explain a few things to readers, i am 21 and a virgin. I was expelled in the 8th grade for willful disobedience and spent a year in isolation on the internet at home, and i was sent to Texas in the middle of nowhere for 2 years and a few months. I never got a chance to have a real girlfriend, or develop any relationship or emotional bonds with anyone outside my family. As such, i am extremely dense when it comes to women- and i hardly realize it when they make advances on me. Back to my story, i sat with her at lunch a few times after a week or so. We talked a lot, she told me things in the middle of the lunchroom with people at tables nearby that i would only tell my closest friends. She told me how her dad died when she was 14, how she sung to him during his last few days. How her mother was a whore (not literally) and how she stole 5 grand from her right before she tried to buy her first car. How she did crystal meth and took a handful of (i dont remember) pills while drinking and overdosed. How she had pretty much been on her own since her dad died, all of this she told me during our second or third actual conversation during lunch. At some point, i started spending more time outside in the lawn/garden center during breaks and lunch. I would sit on the patio furniture and read or just think. I remember her asking me where i was going, and i told her- so she came out there with me for about two weeks. Every break, and during lunch. We talked about a lot, how one of her step-dads had called her fat and would punch her in the stomach after she ate to make her puke, and that she developed a condition that made her do that for months and years afterwards. I cant think of anything else at the moment, a lot of random things- good and bad. I eventually let her know i was a virgin. She had been talking about her first relationship, and we ended up talking about sex or something related- and i said “i wouldn’t know” and she asked me if i was a virgin and i said yep. I cant remember her reaction exactly, but it wasnt too bad. She told me she had only had sex once, to be honest i didn’t believe her, if you saw her you would know why- i know i shouldn’t judge based on looks or body but i thought she must be a saint of she only had sex once and was as attractive as she was. At the end of the first week i got her number, i had my phone turned off before that and had basically gotten it back just to get her number. I texted her the next night right before work, she responded immediately and seemed pretty enthusiastic. The texting and everything went well for about a week, and we hung out outside as well. I realized recently that i may have spotted my mistake. I remember texting her “sweet dreams” one night at midnight while i was at work and she was off. We had been talking during my first break and before work as well. After that, things got noticebly sluggish compared to before. She didn’t text back the way she did before. When i came back from my off days she didn’t meet me outside, and avoided me altogether. I let it slide and didn’t say anything. Next day, i asked what was wrong. She claimed nothing, said she had alot going on at home. I asked her to meet me outside, that i wanted to talk- she agreed. She didnt come. I went to her area after lunch, and asked her out. ” lets make a date” were my exact idiotic words. Her response was ” i would, but my health isnt great right now” . She had told me alot about her cists and how she had some form of bronchitis before. She said she had a panic attack and her lungs collapsed the other night, the night i texted her “sweet dreams”. Anyway, i told her i liked her. She asked what i meant and i said ” do i really have to spell it out?” And she said no. Im an idiot, i know. Well things continued to go downhill, or go back to normal i should say. She treated me like any other co-worker. It was so painful words cant describe it. I started hanging out with an older guy at work, about 30. He was smart, cool, and we had alot of similar interests such as metal music and anime. He was the one who pointed out to me that i loved her after i told him how i felt and thought about her. She sat with us every day after i started hanging out with him, guess she just didnt want to sit with me alone. Meh. Anyway i started joining him at the gym to get away from her since she liked sitting with us at lunch. She quit a few weeks after that, works as a waitress at a casino. She visits us still, coming up there at night after she gets off work in her skimpy outfit. She liked some stuff on my facebook one day after i hadnt been on it in like two weeks so i decided to return the favor and like some of her stuff. I noticed at the bottom it said “in a relationship since (two weeks before i started my job and met her)” and i cant help but feel played with. Well, thanks fo reading- i know my grammer is atrocious but thats what happens when you’ve been expelled for six years. Any input on what i should do now would be greatly appreciated. Do i confess the next time she visits my work? Avoid her entirely? Or what?
So I just got done watching The Notebook, one of the happiest, saddest, realest love stories ever invented. The love Noah & Allie share is so genuine, and unconditional. I can’t help but wonder if there’s a love like that that out somewhere for me. I know I’ m young and shouldn’t be rushing into things like eternal love but I can’t help it. I can’t help the fact that every moment of every day I think about that kind of love, the love that I can only even remotely think about sharing with one person. He knows who he is, I think. It’s sad because there are only two men in this whole world that I think I could ever love unconditionally, but they’ve both failed me. One of them is my father. He died when I was eight. I wasn’t even fully aware of everything in life especially not love when he died. They say a fathers love is the strongest love, but what happens if you never experience that? Well I guess that’s why people find someone to love and spend the rest of their life with, as a spouse. The second failed love is, my, well everything. Or at least he used to be. We’ve known each other for about 5 years, but it feels like I’ve known him forever. When we started going out, I was the happiest I think I’ve ever been in my life. But somewhere along the road we lost our way, and my heart got broken. I don’t even know how it happened or how it went wrong but it did. I thought I could find my way back to him but it’s hard when the person isn’t trying to find their way back to you. Sometimes I just wonder if love even really exists. I mean of course it does but why is it so hard to come across? Why do people have to go through so much pain to get the love they want, need, and deserve? I know God is supposed to be our everything, and we are supposed to find everything in him, including love. But sometimes that’s not enough, it’s hard to feel the love when no one is right there standing beside you, touching you, talking to you, listening to you, if you can’t see them, how do you know they’re there? I believe in God and that he is omnipresent and is around me at all times but sometimes my flesh needs the earthly love of a man. So what are those of us with no love supposed to do? Do we just live life knowing there isn’t any love for us? Do we pretend to feel loved but deep inside all we feel is pain and abandonment? Or do we just keep fighting for the love we know is out there but may take a lifetime to find?
(Screen) Name: Jizzy Jay
After my first heart break i thought i would never fall in love again, but that all changed when i met Joe. I was 15. We were once strangers, not even knowing each other’s names as we passed corridors. Later (a few months back) we were in the same class and he was sitting right next to me. We started slowly as friends and as soon as you know we started liking each other a hell lot. I honestly just liked him (plain and simple) but i was not in love with him nor did i feel what should i say ready to say that i was in love with him.
He was the first one to tell me that he loved me but at that time i thought he was saying it for the sake of saying it but then he told me that he said it from his heart. I still hadn’t fallen in love with him but i really really liked him. He paid a lot of attention to me. He would always be there if i was sad or upset. He wouldn’t leave my sight. It was really nice………….. but that all changed later. A few months passed and i began to notice that i was falling in love with him too. We would call each other everyday and pass chits…it was the best time of my life. He made me feel safe and loved, something that i was yearning for for a long time. We were like the high school sweethearts. Everyone knew about us and we were like the cutest couple. Anytime you see we would always be with each other…never letting go.
A few months later we broke up and i totally broke down (in the sense that i cried a lot!) It was then that i realized that i completely fallen head over heels for this guy. I was in love with him, and he broke my heart. I told myself that if by any chance (kinda like one in a million chances) if he was gonna ask me to get back together with him i would say yes then and there. About a few days past and he called and asked if we wanted to get back. I don’t know what happened i told him that i needed to think it over. I guess i was afraid he was doing this only to make me happy/ he would break my heart again.
I finally said yes. And now we’re not the same couple we were. I honestly don’t know what happened. We don’t talk much, seldom pass chits. Its as if that spark had been blown off into eternity. we call each other ‘honey’ and you know what all, but i’m not sure if he’s faking it. But when we’re alone/talk (mobile) he sounds like the same Joe i once fell in love with. We talk about all kinds of things even about our kids (for fun i guess) but to me to be honest its him i want to marry and him that i picture my future kids with. He tells the same but we both like talking abt stuff like that for fun, sometimes even if its real, but how do i know if he really wants to? Deep down i want to accept the fact that he feels the same way as he did before but the fear/thought of the worst frightens me. One thing i realized about him was that if he truly loves you he will give you his heart, his everything. He’ll be by your side every minute and second. He’ll truly love you and when he says it you can see it in his eyes that he means it..a lot. He’ll be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love his voice, his touch, his eyes, his hands, his everything. I just wish he would be the same…or if he is changed i guess i’m just afraid to accept the truth. Honestly i don’t know. I love him with all my heart, to me thats real and thats the truth. I will love him now, and forever. That’s a promise i will never break. I wouldn’t even think of doing anything that would hurt him in any way. I wouldn’t mind him hurting me again (ok maybe a little bit) but i don’t want to be the one who hurts him. Just trust your heart I guess….
(Screen) Name: X
I met this guy about thirteen years ago,he was a friend of the guy I was dating at the time, I remember that day like it was yesterday, he was the kinda guy who loved to hug a female, the real ladies man bad guy you see on romance thrillers, and when he hugged me I took in a deep breath and his cologne smelled so yummy on him, I was instantly in love with this guy. Well over the next 5 years I was hooked on that cologne he wore, aspen, I bought a bottle of it once and just smelled it once in a while an every time it would bring that one moment back, in short I NEVER forgot bout him. And now that I really think about it I was kinda obsessed with this guy.oh well.
I was pregnant the next time I saw him. I was leaving the movie store as he was leaving the auto store and he saw me an called out my name, I melted inside my heart felt like it had stopped beating all because he had remembered me even after all those years, he of coursed gave me a hug and sure enough he was still wearing aspen. He asked how I had been an he seen I was pregnant but he didn’t turn and run like most guys would have. he told me it was his baby and he was my man, he was joking of course at least I thought he was. We talked for maybe five minutes and went our own way. I had falling in love with him even more after that. I knew where he lived and every time I was going that way I would look over to his house just to see if he was around I never had the guts to go up there an ask for him, But now I wish I would have maybe it would be different, well ill never know.
Six years later I was dating a guy who was pretty much nothing but a bum, well before I knew he was like that I had tried getting up with him…1st clue to him being a bum.I had sent a text to the last number he had called me from asking if they knew where he was ..the person text back saying no I don’t this is not his phone. I text and said ok well if you do see him tell him to get up with me cause I wanna see him.they text back with I’m only like ten minutes away come see me. I text back saying who are you.and sure enough by some kinda faith out there in this world it was him the guy who wore aspen. I was in shock he had finally come back in my life and this time he was not getting away that easy. I told him who I was and he still remembered me.He came over that weekend.
We started dating a week later and I was so in love and yet for some reason I was scared out of my mind of this guy maybe because he did mean so much to me. I worried about all the usual stuff like lying and cheating because every guy I had been with before lied or cheated or something just as hurtful. I started drifting away from him after about three weeks because I got so scared I would be hurt by him. I was going to the country club and dancing with this other guy, until one night he decided he was going to show up at that club to find me, I was standing there with the guys arm around my waist when I felt someone tap on my right shoulder I turned around thinking maybe it was my aunt whom I was there with but to my surprise it was my aspen man and I instantly felt pain in my heart for what I had been doing to him. I fell in to his arms and I remember his exact words ” You’r still my girl right?” and never went back to that place or seen that guy I was with…I never cheated on him in a sexual way but to this day I regret those dances. But I never doubted him again.
I was hurt by someone I was living with about 2 months after that night and I was scared to tell him because I did not know what he would do to this person an I did not want to see him taken away from me over someone who means nothing, but that next day he knew something was not right and he just stayed silent most of the day. That night he called me and he told me he knew something was bothering me and he wanted to know. so I told him and I told him why I did not want to tell him. He was upset that I did not tell him but he understood why. The next day when he came to get me to ride around with him, witch is mostly what we ever did at that time just to be alone, the person that had hurt me was out side in the yard and my man never once looked at the guy. I moved out of that place that following weekend…but the twist is I moved in with my ex and his girl friend and mine an my exes son. Needless to say he did not like that very much but I told him that me an my ex are over and that he was all I wanted. He finally got to know my ex and he was not 100% ok with it but he tolerated it only because he knew I was safe, I was safe because he was with me all the time the only time we where apart was when he was working.I remember when he was working and I was home I was sad I missed him like crazy sometimes I would cry.I worried about him all the time unless I was with him he was all I had and that’s the truth.me an my family did not talk ,my ex had moved out of state an took my son with him all because he knew I was having a hard time getting on my feet he really screwed me when he took my son from me , but anyways this story has nothing to do with that.but yes he was all I had and I needed him more than anything when my ex did leave my man moved in completely.
We grew stronger than ever i mean we did have two arguments over small stuff. I started to realize how much he loved me when I would look in his eyes I saw the love he had for me I can honestly say we had a fairy tale love and I always worried about waking up from the dream I was having because it felt so unreal but it was the best feeling to have. I remember going to his moms one day when he was working on her car for her and he walked away for a few and his mom looked at me and said ” he must really love you. He never brought one of his girlfriends home before, and he talks about you all the time.” and when she told me that i did not think it was possible but I fell even more in love with this man.
When he would take me to meet his friends an hang out he always would introduce me as his girl but the way he would say it was so sweet it did not matter who was around who we where talking to he always said ” this is my girl ____.. Isn’t she beautiful?” or it would be isn’t she great or sexy or something like that all the time. He knew how to make me melt. Also when we would go hang out if I wanted anything or needed anything he was right there no matter what him and his friends where up to. When he was driving he always had one hand on my leg or holding my hand. He was the greatest man I had ever known. we had developed a routine everyday, wake up spend about an hour together in bed or more, take a shower, he would get ready for work or what ever we where doing that day, but as he would back out the drive he would blow me a kiss and before he got to the end of the road he would look back wave an blow a kiss every time he had to leave me home. and when it would get close to the time for him to come home I was sitting on the couch waiting an watching out the window for him and when he pulled in the drive I felt relived,you see I did not have a phone with me during the times he was gone so I worried a lot about him. I never wanted to loose him.
We dated close to four months not long at all but it was the greatest four months of my life he was my king he meant the world to me I believe I could have killed for him if I had to but there was always that fear in the back of my mind of loosing him not to someone else but to the world. One day we got up had a great morning he left to go to work and when it got time for him to come home he never showed, at first I figured he worked late some times he did, but when night time rolled around and he never showed I got scared I cried all night my room mate tried to help but all she did was drive me nuts I needed my man where was he is he dead did he just not want to come back what was going on? I had no car no phone no money he had all that with him when he left. I finally fell asleep about five a.m. the next morning and got woke up at six a.m someone was at the door i jumped up to get it an it was his friend there to tell me he had gotten locked up.I wont say why he got locked up.
But my biggest fear was now real I knew I had lost him he was not coming back for a long time from what every one was telling me.I started talking to my family finally so when he was taken from me I went to my moms I could not be in that house with out him I cried every night my thanksgiving was horrible I wanted to die plain an simple.
I had not heard from him or anything about what was going on all I knew was he was locked up and was in a lot of trouble. I contacted on of his friends I thought might would know more about what was going on but he knew nothing. after two weeks of not having him I was not myself, I guess you could say, yeah I had my family back but my other half was gone and I was lost..but any ways his friend started talking to me feeding me lines knowing I was not in my right mind, we talked for a few weeks and had me convinced I did not need the guy I was with that he could do more for me and he liked me and I hate to say it but I fell for it and the day he came to see me I thought I had feelings for him I thought maybe just maybe he was the one to make me happy again. as we sat on the couch at my moms house talking, the phone rang, I answered and it was my roommate. she said “Guess who I’m standing here with?’ then I hear “you’r still my girl right?”…I did not know what to do, here I am in my moms living room, with not just any other guy but my guys friend and my guy who was now out of jail some how on the phone.
I did something I regret after that.on December 1st I left the man of my dreams for a fake liar who dose nothing but hurt me, not physically but emotionally. everyday is hard my life sucks and I hate it but I cant change it just yet. I do care a little about the friend and I know he cares about me its just he is spoiled and thinks its all about him all the time.I have been with him for almost nine months now but I don’t do it for me I don’t do it for him I do it for my son because right now he needs a stable home.
And every morning I wake up, I think about my love and what we had and how much I miss him and I wounder what he is up to as I read the text message he sends me every morning.I love you sweetheart always an forever and I promise one day we will be together again you are the only one I need YOU ARE MY GIRL.
(Screen) Name: worley
My first love. As simple as that.
It started in august, just before the beginning of the school year. I was 14. He was my brother’s friend and I’d known him for a year or so. The first time I saw him, I found him attractive. Never thought any further though. Three reasons: 1) He was my brother’s friend and this would create a TOTAL mess. 2) He was 3 years older. 3) He’d been with his girlfriend for almost 2 years. We ate (parents+brother+me+him)and then they went in my brother’s room to watch a movie. They asked me if I wanted to come, and of course I said I did. This was the first mistake.
My brother lied on his bed while He and I lied on a matress on the floor. We’d done that a couple of times already but that night; it just felt different. We started holding hands (I really don’t know who, from the two of us, made it happen, but I do know it did happen) and stuff. No big deal. Well, actually, this was a big deal. My brother fell asleep before the end of the movie and well, I went in my bedroom. I couldn’t just let it end that way so I called him and pretented I needed his advice on some stupid story. Second mistake.
As I predicted, he came and we ended up talking for hours. And then, kissing. It was wonderful. I’d kissed other dudes before, but I’d never felt that way. At some point he went back in my brother’s room. The END.
No, just kidding. It was far from being finished. Even though I told him that it didn’t mean anything, regarding his girlfriend and all. But as usual, it did matter, and I started to miss him. It hurt really bad, so I started to ignore and avoid him: I just couldn’t stand seeing him with her anymore. He confronted me about it and I told him. He said he was sorry, yada yada yada, that he didn’t feel the same way: the usual smooth talk. However, he did say something I still haven’t figured out: it was a friendly gesture. What does it even mean? Can you FRIENDLY kiss someone for HOURS? I, for one thing, am not used to kissing my friends at night when I’m already involved elsewhere! Anyway, not the point. So I told him I knew and was only expecting one thing from him: to back off. He told me: “So basically, I forget you so that you can forget me.”. Yes, I answered. I would learn to regret it soon enough. It ached for a long time, then. The first four mounths, I didn’t talk to him and was a total mess. Dated a moron (and a terrible kisser… poor guy, he really had nothing a girl would want. One thing I do not understand though, is that he is now dating a girl and it’s been for a couple of mounts. And she is quite pretty. I will never understand her whatsoever. But you know, if they’re happy together, why not?), cried every single night, worked like crazy, didn’t take care of myself. The two next mounts, I managed seeing him, a little. Then came his 18th birthday but I was already seeing very little of him since my brother and himself had almost stopped spending time together. There was no particular reason, you know, life, time or whatever. I guess they just drifted apart. Anyway, back to his birthday, I decided “Hey, what the heck! It’s his 18th birthday I can’t just do NOTHING”. So I assembled this thing with my computer on which I wrote: “Happy 18th birthday” (original, uh?)and then I took pictures of each person (except his family. Too complicated and too long) that mattered to him and disposed them all around the message. Naturally, his girlfriend got the biggest spot. And if you’re wondering, I did not put myself there. I didn’t belong there. Then, I printed it (and it took me ages! The printer I found was a real dushbag so I had to go through the whole damn city to find a decent one! Gosh!) and asked my brother to give it to him. And so it happened. And well, I saw him but we did not have time to chat so he just got to tell me thanx and well, I never knew wether he liked it. Or not. Terrible, isn’t it?
Well then. I guess the end of the story is this: he and my brother are sitting exams from tomorrow to.. I don’t really know. It lasts a week or so. Anyway: In July, they’ll have graduated. Next year, my brother is going at one of these school where having a semblance of a life is not even conceivable. Given that they already didn’t see much of each other, He will become ancient history. I do find it sad. Life, I guess. The way it is supposed to be? Nah, I’m not a big believer in fate. The way it happened, that’s for sure. And really, that’s okay. There’s a whole world out there, waiting for me to change it. Who needs love anyway? All this wheeping, and sobbing, and moping doesn’t do much for me.
(Screen) Name: 5101137
I’d read about love and asked my mom what it was like, and the truth was I never thought I’d know what it was. She told me it couldn’t be explained, only known. I didn’t know what that meant and asked her to elaborate. She couldn’t. When I asked her how I would know if I was in love for certain, she just told me I would know. I think very logically; to me there is only black or white. Something is either there, or it isn’t. Therefore I couldn’t understand the fact that something can’t be defined.
Five years later, it turns out, my mom was right.
I’m not sure if it was love at first sight, because really, what is love? All I know is that I saw him and immediately thought, “Wow.” This was followed by, “That’s the cutest guy I’ve ever seen in my life.” As the day wore on, I only paid attention to him. Lucky for me, I got to hear him sing, as he was a musician. The entire time, I was thinking about how amazing he was, how I’d never seen anything like him, and other thoughts mainly composed of admiration. When I returned home, I spent the next week looking at pictures of him and learning everything I could about him. I paid attention to everything he did and said. I framed a photo of him, paid attention to his friends, hung on to his every word. Being a musician myself, I wrote songs about him. At the time I thought it was just infatuation. A year and a half later, after seeing him kissing another girl right in front of me, I knew that I must have been in love with him. Why else did my heart feel like it was snapping into a million pieces? Looking to confirm this, I tried to write down how I felt about him.
It was impossible. The only thing I knew was that I needed to see him, because I couldn’t stand to be without him. (I will call him “Nick” to avoid confusion).
Soon, my luck changed. He talked to me, and eventually we became very close. It was the start of a friendship, so I couldn’t ruin it by telling him how I felt.
One day, he introduced me to his friends. I was eager to please them, and happy that he wasn’t hanging out with goths or other assorted weird people. Unfortunately, I spotted a guy near the back of the crowd and pulled away. This guy was dressed in all black, with shaggy black hair and tatooes on his arms. He was also wearing a leather jacket and what looked like black eyeliner.
I resisted the tempation to laugh at the makeup and instead introduced myself. We talked briefly about music (he was into punk rock). Then I sheepishly told “Nick” that I probably wouldn’t get along with one of his friends. He said I was talking about “Jerry” and to not worry, because he didn’t think I’d like him anyway. “Jerry” was also a musician, so to be nice, I listened to some of his songs. They were awesome, but not really my genre.
The days went by. Like most people, I ran into many challenges. “Nick” was not well liked by the majority of people (to this day I still don’t know why), so my love for him got me into some awkward moments. Ironically, “Jerry” seemed to be more favored, but that didn’t deter me. After a while, the stress became too much. “Nick” could tell I was upset, and frequently asked what was wrong. I told him that I just needed some time alone, and that I loved him.
Against my better judgement, I listened to “Jerry’s” songs again. They perfectly captured what I was going through. I arranged to hang out with him to find out if he actually went through the things he wrote about.
Amazingly, he had, and really helped me through a tough time. He made sense of why things happen, and I figured I was wrong to judge him by all the black clothes he wore. We talked many more times, as something about his morals and beliefs appealed to me. I knew I loved “Nick” and that there was no way to “turn off” love, so I figured I was just being social.
After many months, “Jerry” played a song he had written for me. I asked him if he really felt that way.
He said he loved me.
My reaction can best be defined as: shocked speechless. Instantly, my mind began racing at a thousand miles per hour.
How could you let this happen? What will “Nick” think? Does he know? How can you explain it? Is it cheating? Is it wrong? Why can’t you think straight? Why do you love the fact that he wrote this for you?
My thought process screeched to a halt.
Do you love him?
I didn’t know the answer. I told “Jerry” that the song was beautiful, and that I hoped I would see him again.
At home, I laid awake pondering my dilemma. How complex this matter was! I could even bring human nature into the discussion, because “Nick” and “Jerry” were like light and dark. One is what I want to be, one is what I once was. But which one was real? Which one was I now?
I spent days trying to decide whom was right for me. Which would bring me less pain? Which would benefit me in the long run? Whom does my heart belong to? Was I just maturing?
No matter who I chose, the other will always be in the back of my mind. I can’t have both, because I can only have one serious relationship at a time. And not choosing wasn’t an option, because it would only make the situation worse.
I took as many “Are You In Love?” quizzes I could, comparing “Nick’s” and “Jerry’s” results. Not one quiz gave me a decisive answer. I turned to characters who faced similar problems on TV and in books, but TV and books were not reality. I asked mystical sources like tarot cards without progress. If I mentioned my problem to my parents, I knew why would tell me to choose “Nick” because “Jerry” wasn’t someone they approved of. The problem was, they couldn’t understand my problem completely, and if I told them, they would say to choose whomever I thought was right. But that’s the problem: I didn’t know who was right!
I definately didn’t feel the same about “Nick”. That much was obvious. But I could easily describe how I felt about “Jerry”. That must mean that I didn’t love him, either. No matter what, someone was going to be hurt badly.
In an act of immaturity, I pushed the decision off to the side. I hung out with both of them like nothing was wrong. “Nick” and I talked about the same things as always and enjoyed each other’s company, but when “Jerry” and I talked, it was always fun. We could be openly honest, even if it was awkward. This, of course, only made me try to strengthen my relationship with “Nick”.
Eventually, my mom noticed “Nick” while we were out and about. I asked her where he was, but there was nothing genuine in my voice. It felt like something I rehearsed.
When we got home, I immediately evaluated my situation. The more I thought about, the more something had to be said. I called “Nick” and he answered.
“Nick…um, there’s- okay, please don’t be mad, but- wait, I know you’re going to-”
“You’re going to be really mad at me, but I swear I didn’t intend for this to happen! Really, I didn’t!”
“Why? What is it?”
“I promise I didn’t do anything! I didn’t even think I…jeez, I thought nothing would come of it, I swear!”
“I, um…you’re not going to like this, and it’ll probably hurt you a lot, but I have to say it and please don’t be mad! I didn’t force it!”
“Baby, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?!”
“It’s about Jerry.”
He didn’t say anything for a while. “Are you…”
“No I’m not cheating! At least not intentionally!”
“Then what happened? Tell me the truth.”
“Okay, I’ve been hanging out with Jerry because life has gotten really complicated and I knew I loved you so I didn’t think anything would come of it and I didn’t think I liked him anyway but a few days ago he played this amazing song and said he loved me and didn’t know what to say and I think I still love you but I don’t know and PLEASE don’t be mad at me!”
There was silence for a long time. I thought I heard him muttering under his breath.
“Please don’t be mad,” I said timidly.
Still no answer.
“I wouldn’t do this on purpose!”
“I still love you, I promise.”
“Really?” he asked, not sounding convinced.
I thought about it, going over what had happened. Did I want him to be hurt? Of course not! Would saying I loved him prevent that? Yes it would. Did I mean it? …I wasn’t saying yes.
“I can’t believe you’d do this to me,” he said, sounding tortured. The next thing I heard was a dial tone.
Did I still love him? I had doubts.
Did I love “Jerry”?
I couldn’t love him! It wasn’t possible! What did that say about me? But the more I whined, the more I knew that I had feelings for him and not “Nick”. It was that simple.
I called “Jerry” and told him about the conversation. The more I talked to him, the more I knew he was the right choice. I had been pretending with “Nick”, and that could only lead to more suffering.
I’ve only been dating “Jerry” for a short time. I frequently think back to “Nick”, but in the long run, I think I’ll be happier this way. I just had to move on and let go of a relationship that I didn’t feel the same about.
There is not a happily ever after yet. This story has merely begun. Wherever it leads me, I’ll remember to do what I think is right. Pain is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to prevent love.
(Screen) Name: Oceiana
Well, it all started with a phone call. The four words that have me into tears today. “Angelo asked me out.” That is, if you don’t count the sobbing. My cousin had called me. He wanted Shannon, my best friend to call him. He said Angelo (The guy I’m practically in love with) had something he told my cousin to tell her. When I hung up after threeway-ing the call and hanging up so Shannon could call him, I was crying. I expected him to tell her Angelo wanted to go out with her. I was babysitting my mother’s friend’s kids. I’m very close to them and neither of the two noticed my tears. When Shannon called me, I didn’t give her a chance to speak. “What the fuck did he say?” Very terrible language for an eleven year old. She was crying as she said “Promise you won’t hate me.” I told her I didn’t have an answer for that. That it all depended on what he had told her. She finally said the words that pushed me over the edge into the pit of never ending darkness. “Angelo asked me out.” I didn’t speak. I was covering my mouth, my entire body looking as though I was hiccuping over and over again. Then tears kept streaming out and I couldn’t breathe. I started silently gasping for air but it seemed nothing could reach me. She kept telling me that we were sisters and sisters didn’t hate each other and that she was sorry. I finally told her I had to go through a straight voice. “Payton. Payton! Do you hate me?” I told her no but she said: “Okay. I love you. Remember that. We’re sisters and I love you.” Of course, we aren’t really sisters and I whispered I love you too. She finally hung up and I started sobbing and crying. Trevor, the oldest son asked me what was wrong and Whitney, his little sister, looked at me. I ordered for them to get out of the room and they did. I ran to the corner of my room and hid under my desk and started crying loudly. I finally needed air again and left the room, swaying side to side. The kids had told my mother and she had stopped me in the hall and asked me what was wrong. I told her to leave me alone but she wouldn’t. I screamed at her that Angelo asked Shannon out and shoved her away. I walked out the front door and she started to follow. I yelled at her to stay inside and she did. Everyone knew to back off. I sat in the middle of the rode and called my friend Taylor. I told her after two minutes of crying and her begging me to tell her what was wrong that Angelo asked Shannon out. She was there in all of five minutes. I forgot my friend Nicole was coming so after my brother came (Which was really awkward) And I stayed out there, crying in Taylor’s arms and the people down the street staring at me, for an hour or longer. Then I went inside and the kids and their mother left. Taylor wound up spending the night. Nicole didn’t find out what had happened until she got there. Micheal, my cousin, came to spend the night. I cried several times that night, locked myself in the bathroom and cried while Taylor and Nicole tried to get in. I hid in my backyard and cried, clawing at the brick. And I wake up almost every night at some time from a dream of a flashback of that day and cry.
(Screen) Name: The forgotten.