It was the month of December 1991 On my way back from college I saw a beautiful girl, fair, big sparkling eyes merrily laughing, enjoying the bus ride, sitting right in front where I was standing. She was wearing a bright yellow dress. On looking at her for some time I was amazed and hooked to her beauty. There was a great feeling within me that I was unable to gauge I felt feverish and cold. I was all head over heels for this girl who was so happy that happiness was all over her face. Her friends too were enjoying the moment. Although she did look up at me a few times starring at her with amazement she did not see the visible me shivering with the first love of my life. As I got down at my bus stop she did look back to see me with a hesitant eye contact. I was in love. Love at first sight do happens
From that day on this girl’s beauty and her big eyes with a pure black and white contrast was all over my mind. But I was just 18 and knew not what was happening, what was the beautiful feeling that would erupt in my heart once I bring her beautiful face in my mind. I was happy; everybody at home and within my friend circle noticed the change. I never thought about my next step i.e. to search this beautiful girl and make her mine. May be I was too happy cherishing the new experience in my life. Just bringing her beautiful face in my thoughts would give me a cool feeling, the rise in my heart beat and the soothing in my mind had kept me busy. I was totally clueless of how to get to know this girl’s whereabouts. A few days past, I was restless and had no idea how to find this girl. I tried every effort not to miss this particular bus on which we had first met but I had no luck.
One afternoon I was late to catch the bus and was stranded at the bus stand waiting for the next bus to come. As I stood there strolling from one end to the other to pass my time. It was way past 1.30 and the city school children were flocking towards the bus stand. In one of the green uniform group I saw someone very familiar walking towards me with a slight smile on her face, as the flock past by me chattering in high decimal this girl who was blushing all the way suddenly looked at me as if to say “you dumb how could you forget me so soon” that eye contact brought back sweet feelings and at last I had found the treasure I was desperately looking for. She looked very cute in her green uniform as she past right by me. I was surprised a mute spectator. All this while I had this yellow dressed girl in my mind and I was desperately missing my lectures and running for the 12.30 bus looking for this girl. Here she was in her true avatar. There was a tremendous increase in my heart beat, butterflies in my stomach and a great feeling in my mind.
She straight away headed for the bus and did turn back and looked at me standing there surprised. As the bus was leaving I too hooped in and stood at the back .That day I was very happy to have met her the second time and now I knew little more about her.
From then on I would wait for her to come to the bus stand and then travel with her. Not a word was exchanged only our eyes were doing the talking, or at least I thought so. She would be visibly upset if I stayed back from boarding the bus. I could see her frequently looking back through the window at me anxiously, this would make me feel more confident that she too likes me and the thought that this could be just her casual behavior never crossed my mind. I would let the bus take a full circle and then run on the gate to catch it with a great feeling of happiness that she gave me some importance. Once inside the bus she would always be seated and I would stand at the back anxiously waiting for her to turn back and look at me. Sometimes in the rush hours if she did not get a seat I was there to protect her from any untoward pushing from fellow passengers. I was burning with love and affection of this pretty girl. The world was just a very happy place to live in there were flowers and music around us our heart beats were in sync with each other.
I who always used to shy away from females around me was in deep love with a total stranger. It was a wonderful feeling the rising of heart beat the flies in my stomach and weakening of my limbs, as I see her coming from a far distant. And then the friendly look sparkle in her eyes and a slight smile would make me die. She would always nimble on her tongue as if rolling it in her mouth or was she enjoying a bubble gum it was hard to make out. But I liked the way she was making those pretty expressions I was sinking all the more in her love. Then on I would sometimes be lucky to be in the same bus that she would be travelling on her way to the city. Seeing her pretty face early in the morning would make my day.
This went on for many days, sometimes it would so happen that I would stand at the stand awaiting her arrival and she would never turn up till 4.00 pm. I would return home hungry and sad, but tomorrow was always another day to look for. Next day too I would do the same; some half days too I would miss here sometimes. Then one day I somehow got to know about their study holidays. My routine never changed I would wait and wait till she come or not come I was there waiting. Then came her examinations I was there all confused at the time table as I would miss her many a times hence I would stay there from the morning to evening waiting for her. Sometimes I would be lucky sometimes sad. It was on the last day of the examination, on seeing me there waiting she too let her friends go and she too was waiting but how dumb I was I never understood the situation and did not approached her. There was weakness in my knees I was taken by surprise as she had never stayed back like this before. I was confused not knowing and understanding her mind. I was in two minds, what if she is waiting for some other friend of hers and what if my approach to her would angry her and put an end to my love story abruptly all these thoughts crossed my mind and I waited and watched. After a long wait she boarded the bus but with a different expression on her face. I was on one hand happy that she stayed back for me and not for any other boy from her school and second thought I was sad that I may have missed a golden opportunity of expressing myself.
Although I managed to get to know the place she lived at I never knew her name. One fine day my good friend C came and told me her name which he got from a class mate of hers. And I was happy to send her a card on her name .I always thought that it was easy to send her a post card as the post office was very close to her house.
Then on meeting her was occasional, sometimes I would cross her holding her dad’s hand in the market or sometimes without she noticing me at all. But all this while I was burning with love. Pure love for her and respect for her feelings was all that I had in my heart and my mind I never thought of anything else. The mere thought of getting her as a friend never crossed my mind. I even attended mass at her church just to have a glance at her.
A new academic year started and I was up on my toes to get to know which college she would go. Finally I got to see her and I was happy to see a few girl students known to me walking with her. I would get terribly upset if she ignores me and attends to her male classmates on the bus stand. A few times she would do it on purpose so that I react or may be that was her way of getting me to speak up. As usual I would meet her in the bus in the morning in Raju’s bus 1909 which had a reflector mirror right in front, inside the bus and she would look into the mirror and search for me. We were actually corresponding through this mirror with our eyes.
I would wait after college to see her at the bus stand and this went on and on for a couple of months sometimes I would be happy that she noticed me standing there and sometimes very sad when she would ignore as if I am invisible. By this time most of my friends who would accompany me to the bus stand had seen her and they too seems to be happy for me. Some even tried to get me her correct name through some common friend some even put a word across to the girls would accompany them to college. One fine day I got to know her real name which was as beautiful as she was. I was embarrassed to have sent her a card mentioning the wrong name on the envelop. I did stay away from coming across her for a few days due to this but in the mean time I worked all out to get her birth date. And I was happy to have got it. The previous night of her birthday I did not get sleep although I had posted a birthday card to wish her I wanted to meet her in person and wish and to pour my heart out expecting a whole world of happiness with this little chat. I attended the morning mass with her at the chapel and as the mass got over I waited for her to come out but I missed her as she hurriedly went out from the rear door. I started my bike and in full speed went after her but was late. She was almost beyond the reach of stopping and talking to her. I just happen to say happy birthday and zoom passed without knowing her reaction, if at all she heard my shout or not. I was sad to miss the chance a second time.
Then one day I got to see her whole family at one of the beach where I had gone along with my friends I was confused and very scared that I stayed very far from her. They were too posh, rich and high class people for me to be anywhere around them. I was happy for her but dejected that she was not a simple girl I used to think her to be. But love is blind which I had in abundance for her that will never change.
My schedule never changed my love for her grew even more only sad part was I never gathered courage to talk to her. I was too shy and well behaved that I never stalked her or wanted to force my love on her I was happy that I am in love with the most beautiful girl.
Sending greeting cards and me showing immense love for her was the only thing I did in 1992 and then fate played a very life threatening prank on me A near fatal soccer accident where in a depression in my right ventricular resulted in half paralysis of my body. I was out of sight of her and out of action for a very long period I missed my college and was holed up in my house for a few months and all this while I had her on my mind which would give me inspiration to live through the bad patch .There was no source where in I could have let her know my feelings and my state. As time went by I was on my feet but the feeling of repeating the near fatal condition kept me away from normal life and from her too. Once on my feet I did meet her number of times but I had no courage to approach her as she too was in a different mood which I was unable to gauge. I did not stop the cards on all occasion, be it her birthday, Christmas, valentine day, Easter and even her successfully passing her examination. My love was the same for her true and in abundance. I would even tried all possibilities to show it to her through cards, sending messages through her neighbor and her college friends but a self approach was all that was needed I guess. Thanks to my friends who were one up to help me get the love of my life.
On finishing my college there was another tragedy in my family, my father expired. I was burdened with family issues and I took up a job that was just in the opposite direction of my regular path. I was still in contact with her by post. And sometimes if lucky then I would get to see her face to face. Even then I would make it a point to get the 1909 bus in the morning which would come directly from her house depot and many a times I would be lucky to meet her and catch her looking at me through the mirror
As years passed by she was busy with her college then her diploma. I too was busy with my job, not a single day had passed of mine without her sweet face flashing in my mind and the sweet feeling in my heart I tried my very best to go and show myself to her so she knows that I am interested in her. I knew that she too loved me but was waiting for me to proclaim my love for her.
Decade long love lava was burning in my heart. The respect for her feelings never changed. Now that she was mature enough to take a decision that I decided to approach her. One thing was for sure whatever her decision I would respect and abide by and if its negative I would never cross her path again. If I had to approach her, when she had just passed her matriculation that would have been immature. Then when she was studying that would have affected her studies and so on I would always think about her and the impact she might have on her mind. I always wish her good and respected her lot that made me to live with her love for all these years.
The day was hot afternoon I happen to see her in the bus heading home from her classes I decided to let her know my feelings and had a small piece of paper on me on which I hurriedly scribbled a few lines about me loving her from 1991 and I followed till her bus stop. And when she got down I wished her that was my first whisper to her. I said that I am so and so, you must be knowing me or seen me. I would like to be your friend. She too was taken by surprise said that she is sorry but that is not possible. I repeated my words and said “I love you please don’t say no” but she said “sorry” I was hurt I tried to give her the chit that was in my hand she refused to take it and with a smile walked away. I felt a thunder bolt in my head I was shuttered and had no were to go but to my death. I was stranded there totally blank. though came to my mind that I just turn my scooter and head on collide with one of the zooming heavy vehicle on the road then I recovered and thought to myself, I had decided to respect her feelings and that I will do. They say “IF you love somebody you let it fly if it loves you it will definitely come back to you and if doesn’t then it never loved you.” I was into a shell and decided not to cross her path again. Not because I was rejected but because my love was pure and I could live without her but with the love in my heart. A couple of years passed by my friends were all the more inquisitive to know the fate of my love story which I never revealed. I lost hope but wished her the best. It was the love and respect I had for her that made me to recover from such a great loss I wanted her to be happy and hence I never ever have tried to force my love on her. When you love someone so much you are not bothered about your happiness but you are more concern about the happiness of your loved one. True love is when you love a person for the happiness of that person and you seek your happiness in her being happy.
One thing I long for from her is if anytime we happen to cross each other, a smile and a hello as a friend is all that I wish for. That will be a great achievement in my one sided love life.
(Screen) Name: anynormous