Do you think that it’s okay for someone to be punished just because they love someone? Well my parents think that it is okay to punish someone just because they love somebody. Yesterday morning was another normal morning. Everything was going great until my dad saw me getting out of my husband’s car to go to my school. This is when things everything fell apart. As i was gettin out of the car, my dad drives by. I could see his eyes turn red with anger as he speeds his car away. I ran to school, and i asked my teacher if i could make a phone call to my mom and she said yes. I went to the main office and dialed his number instead of my moms’. When i called him, we made a plan that he is going to get a friend from college to sit with him in the car and pretened that he already has a girlfriend. Doing this, will make it look like i just got a ride from him…and that he’s not my boyfriend. Jasmine agreeed to help us so we decide on the following plan. When i go home and my parents ask me why i was with “that” boy, i will just tell them that i am friends with this girl that goes to my high school(who wud be jasmine) and “that” boy is her boyfriend. I wud also tell them that i missed my bus so jasmine and her boyfriend gave me a ride to school. That is what our plan was….although it turned out totally different when i got home. When i reached home, my parents weren’t home..thank goddness to that. Right then i called raj (gurwinder’s nickname..i only call him that) and we started talking until ravneet, my sister told me what my dad had told her about me. Ravneet had an early dissmissal from her school because of conferences. Ravneet told me that our dad said, that he’s going to beat the crap out of me and i will probably be sent to india forever. She also explained how my dad had seen me with raj in the past few days. I was in shock…and i was scared to know that the plan that we made wasn’t going to work. Too many questions raced through my mind at that time….i didn’t kno what to do…but to cry. I kept my feelings inside and i didn’t cry because raj and i had came up with a different plan. When my mom and dad reached home, my mom took me to her bedroom. She locked the door and slaped me so hard on my face. She said that i disrespected our religion and her trust. She kept on slapping me till my dad came into the room. He was furious with anger built up inside of him. He came up to me and slaped me. I faced him, asking him to just listen to me for one second so that i can explain to him what was really going on. But he didn’t listen to me…instead he pushed me onto the hard wooden floor and kicked me with his bulky shoes. I felt pain for the first few minutes, but he continued for about 10 minutes. He cursed at me….told me i was going to be sent to india forever. After a few minutes i just sat there on the floor, waiting to be hit again. I tried to defend myself by putting my two hands around my head….it didn’t work. After all i’am only 14. After my dad was done beating me, i got up and i told him that the only reason that i was in his car was because of jasmine, his girlfriend and my friend. I also told him that i missed my bus so i was walking and they asked me if i needed a ride and i said yes to them. I also told him that sometimes i didn’t get on the bus, instead i took rides from raj and his girlfriend. He said okay..lemme talk to his girlfriend. And so i called her on the number that raj gave to me. When i called, i was crying and i told her to talk to my dad. My dad started to talk to her…he asked her if whatever i told him was true. And obviously she was going to say, yes we do give her rides once in while and that raj is really my boyfriend, not manpreet’s. After my dad was done talking to jasmine, raj took the phone and started to talk to my dad. As soon as my dad heard his voice, he started to curse at him like crazy, half in our language and the other half in english. haha it was kinda funny now that it’s all over lol…im a retarted person…u’ll kno wat i mean as i write more entries. Anywaysz continuing on with my story…so after my dad was done talking to raj and jasmine, my mom took my dad downstairs. They both went downstairs and discussed how to solve this problem. After a few minutes my mom came upstairs and i told her that mom please believe me. She said that she only believes in half of my story and that she will believe me fullly once raj and his (fake) girlfriend comes to our house to show my parents that they really are girlfriend and boyfriend. So my mom called raj and told him that if you arent going to come to our house with ur girlfriend then we will think that manpreet truly is your girlfriend. So raj brought jasmine to our house after 1 and half hour. Right before raj and jasmine reached my house, my dad left to get my baby brother’s diapers. (lol so random…i kno). My mom and i went outside to talk to raj and jasmine. I really didn’t say anything, but raj did most of the talking. He explained how this girl (jasmine) is his girlfriend and not me. He also told her that they did give me rides to school but they wont any more. My mom said that it’s fine and she let it go. Thank god my dad wasn’t there…he’d probabaly slap him …and that would hurt me more than anything. Before jasmine and raj were about to leave i noticed that raj and jasmine were holding hands. They only did this to show my mom that they both were really girlfriend and boyfriend. Being kicked all over for 10 mins and crying for god knows how long, the thing that was most painfull was not any of the things that happened to me but instead was to see his hand with her hand…..even though it was just ment to be a way to convince mom..it still hurted me from deep within. My blood started to rush to my face, burning me from the inside. I wanted to go up to raj an force him to let go of her hand but i knew that he couldnt think of another girl as anything more than a sister. It still burned me from the inside to see him holding another girl’s hand, but i had to face the truth that he had to do it…..for the sake of our love.

(Screen) Name: monaxoxo831

hmmm have you ever made your parents feel guilty? Well after the incident that i told you guys about in my last entry, my parents kept saying sorry to me. I don’t know if the sorry was for beating me up or if they’re saying that because, they know that i don’t truly love them? Sounds a little weird doesnt it? After Raj and Jasmine left that night…my dad came back. When he entered the house my mom told him everything that she and raj talked about. I was sitting on the sofa…with my eyes red and tired from crying, my messed up hair from the beating, and headaches everywhere in my head. When my dad saw me…he came upto me and held me in his arms. He told me that he is very sorry and that everything was just a misunderstanding. I told him that it’s fine…and if i was in your place, i would freak out too. (But ovbiously i wouldn’t hit my daughter like he did.) I was very angry at him about that, but i didn’t show it at all. In fact i kept on smiling infront of him and told him that it’s totally fine. I did this because this is what i thought was right. I should respect my parents as much as i could..(untill some kinda limit lol). But in our culture, it’s said that our parents are like god. For me..that’s not true. I see my god in my hubby, Raj. So everything was back to normal, of course now me and raj can’t meet anymore but we could talk all we want online or on the phone somtimes. K so yesterday was black friday so my parents left early in the morning to buy me a laptop (to make up for everything). It wasn’t going to get rid of the pain that i had in my body but watever. My parents bought me a sony laptop and said it was just for me but obviously it wasn’t just mine, i mean like everybody in the household could use it. So I quickly took the laptop out of the box and starting to play around with it. Later, my mom went to the store again and bought a router. It took me and raj about 1 and half days to figure out how to get internet on this laptop. haha..pretty pathetic? lol. It’s okay, it was my first time doing it and raj was just helping me out on the phone. He wasn’t physically there, which was kinda hard. Anyways, so we got the laptop to work and now it works perfectly fine. Anyways, that incident that happend didn’t really hurt our relationship at all. Actually, it made it much more stronger. The fact that i took a little bit of pain for our love, proved once again that our love is really true. I don’t know any guy who would take the responsitbility and the action to solve everything out like raj did. At one point i thought that this was going to be the end of our love…but it wasn’t…it was just a little test from god. It also made things much much better than before. Before this, my dad was extremely suspicious all the time about me. He didn’t trust me at all, and now he trusts me a lot more than before. My mom has always trusted me a little more than my dad but now they both trust me more than ever before. So i guess whatever god does…he does it for a reason..so just believe in him and never doubt him. He’ll always be there with you…and i already know that my god is with me because, my raj is with me…and forever will be.

(Screen) Name: monaxoxo831

it’s been way too long……….too long. I haven’t met raj for about 10 days. I remember when i had to leave to go to india for a vaction/to study. On the way to the airport all i could feel was my tears falling down. My parents wanted me to study in india for a whole year. That meant that i wouldnt be able to see raj for a whole year. I was so far away from him yet sometimes i felt as if he was right there. When i got onto the plane all i cud wish for was a miracle that just took me away from everything and let me hold my raj. I took my seat on the plane and waited for it to take me so far away from him. I prayed and prayed for all this to be a dream. But no, it was reality. When i got off the plane at the airport in Delhi, i noticed that he wasnt here…besides me. That’s wen it hit me..that now im alone. I walked up to see my uncle waiting there for me along with my my moms uncle. They were so happy to see me and my family. I smiled and tried not to let out my tears. My uncle, Ranveer grabed my arm and held me in his arms. For a second, i just wanted to tell him everything about me and raj right there, so that i cud at least cry. He told me that i had grew so much. Last time he saw me was when i was 5 years old and now here i am infront of him as a 13 year old girl. We got into the car and started to head towards Punjab, my home. I asked them how long is it going to take? All they cud say was just go to sleep manpreet. Later i found out that it takes about 8-9 hours from Delhi to get to Punjab. Yea, a little overwhelming? First i had to leave raj in America all alone, second i had to sit thru 15 hrs. on the plane, and now 8 more hours to get home? lmao i was tired as hell but i didnt close my eyes throughout the whole journey. I wanted to call raj…tell him once more that i love him so much. When i reached punjab everybody just wanted to hug me and talk to me. I was quiet and i didn’t want to talk to anybody. Although i had to act as if i was having lots of fun. After a few days, i had to attend my uncle’s marriage(not ranveer, hes only 20). This uncle was also my mom’s brother but he was older than ranveer uncle. After the marriage, i had to go to school, like every other kid on earth. School was an interesting experience in india. Apparently they called 7th grade 7th class over there….lol. I had a tough time with everything. They made me make up every single work that i missed. I stayed up every nite filling out my notebooks with all the work i had missed since the begnning of the year. Sometimes i used to cry while doing my work, and i told everybody that i was jus worried about my study. At nite, when i was sleeping my aunt told me that i was talking in my sleep in english. She cudnt understand me..thx god or else she’d probably kno that i was talking about raj. On the outside, i was a jolly little 13 year old kid but from the inside, i was turning into somebody that i didn’t even recognize. I wasnt the same manpreet anymore. I didn’t cry….i didn’t sleep….i almost stopped eating. If anybody asked me if i had already eaten, i wud just say yea i did. But the truth was that i was hungry like crazy, but i wanted to be fed by raj. I wanted to eat,sleep, and have fun with him and nobody else. I hated everybody…i stopped going to school after 15 days. I just cudn’t take it anymore. I hated to sit along the window at nite and just stare at the pitch black night. I hated it when i cried and nobody was there to ask me if i was okay. Somtimes i asked god why does he do this to so many people? why is he doing it to me? I thought that he was punishing me but i soon realized that it was all a test from him. God wanted to know if we truly did love each other. He wanted to know if i would forget about raj and start to think of some other guy….he wanted to know if the love that i had and if the love that raj had was actuallly true. Some time in August, i sat in the room alone…looking at my aunt’s cell phone. I knew what i was doing and i knew if i had gotten caught i wudnt have any excuses of why i was talking to a boy. I reached for the phone, and hid inside the closet. It was a burning hot day and i was sweating in the closed closet. I dialed his number with excitement and fear. When he picked up, i heard his soft, smooth, and sweet voice. His voice healed that hole that was riped into my heart when i left him there. I cud tell that he had jus woken up when i heard his voice. He said hello over and over again and thats wen i noticed that i was crying…silently. He told me to talk and the silence between us told him that it was his manpreet. He knew it was me yet i hadnt even said a word to him. I didn’t say anything becaz i was afraid if he had moved on. I know, im stupid to think that way. I thought that raj wud have started to like some other girl after i left. It had been 5 months already now. I didn’t go to school but i started to eat, and sleep a little after i heard his voice. Towards the end of August, i called him again. This time i actually spoke to him for about 2 mins. At first he didn’t believe that it was me calling him. But later i told him that i was coming back from india in September. I heard his voice fill with joy and i had a real smile on my face after so long. After a few days, i was packing my suitcase. Everybody asked me to just stay but i cried and whined how the school isnt good for me and that im going to fail every class that i took. That was just an excuse to go back to india. It took me really long to convince my parents to let me come back to America. They spent a lot of money on me. They bought me my uniform, shoes, books, and they payed for the school fee. It was a lot of money that i had wasted but i knew that i cudnt live without raj. I just couldn’t take 6 more months of pain…it was too much. I sort of felt bad that i wasted their money so much but if i had stayed in india longer, i wud have wasted a lot more money…and i probably wudnt be alive. I was so happy to leave india. Everybody was sad but i was the jolly one out of everywun. I cried a little so that they don’t think im weird or something. Ranveer uncle, and my two aunts droped me off at the Delhi airport. I was sad to leave my real home, but the truth is that wherever my husband is, that is where my home is. My parents, sister, and brother had left a few months earlier than me. I stayed in india with my grandma, aunts, and uncles. In india everybody treats you like their child, so staying away from my parents wasn’t a big deal for me. I waited for my plane to be called so that i cud get on board and fly to America. When i heard my plane’s name, i felt so happy to know that i was going to be in my raj’s arms very soon. First of course i had to sit thru a 15 hour ride. lol…I reached america and my parents came to pick me up from the New York airport. This was the first time i had ever been on a plane by myself….it was kind of scary but i knew my raj was with me so i didn’t have to worry about anything. My mom hugged me and my dad did too. They said they missed me alot and that they are glad that i came back earlier. Even though they were the ones who fought me and tried to force me to stay in india.lol…parents…they so weird. I got into the car and i didn’t fall asleep thru the 15 hour plane ride or the 2 hour ride from the new york airport to philadelphia. When i reached home, my eyes were tired. I went to my room and saw the phone waiting for me. I grabed the phone and i didn’t have the energy to dial the numbers. I fell onto the bed and finally slept in peace after 6 months. Next morning i called raj asap. I heard his voice and he told me how he went through the same thing as i did. I couldn’t believe that he waited for me…for so long. I couldn’t believe that i waited for him for so long. I don’t anybody on earth who wud go through so much for their loved one. Those 6 months in india, were awful but that time proved to me that we were meant to be for each other. We started to meet again and things were back to normal. For the first few weeks, i had to change back to the real manpreet that i had forgotten about in the past 6 months. Soon things were perfectly good again. I guess God got his answers….and that answer was from me and raj. We proved to him that we together were….2 hearts but 1 soul. Those 6 months made us stronger. The fact that we waited for each for so long told us how much love we had and still have for each other. Today i sit here and im whinning about 10 days? ha funny. Because, i know if i could make it through 6 months of pain….i could definately wait for him for 10 days…..forget 10 days…i wud wait for him for the rest of my life if i had to..,..just because we’re not always together, doesn’t mean that we’re going to break and shatter into pieces. Somtimes you have to have hope….and when that hope is strong enough, you’ll know that you have something so special that nobody in the world has. That could be….your love or anything small. Hope is one thing that keeps us together. Trust is the biggest thing that makes our tiny strings of love stronger and stronger every and each second…..hope…. and trust……forever.

(Screen) Name: monaxoxo831

If you take a fish out of water, it won’t survive

If you take away air from a human, he/she won’t survive

If you don’t put gas in cars, they won’t work

If you take away sunlight from the world, then we’d all die

If you take away pages from a book, it won’t be a book

Just like those things, if you take away raj from mona, she won’t be mona….she’d die.

Life isn’t all that simple when you don’t have what you need… to survive.

When your loved one isn’t with you, you’re still alive but your dead at the same time.

Life and Death don’t go together so well huh?

Well everyday i live through that….my soul fights over life and death at the same time.

It doesn’t know where to go…i promised him i won’t do anything bad but why do i still try to think of ways to free myself from this life…from this pain.

Saying things and understanding them has a huge difference.

When you say, i love you- you think of care, and happy times together….

Yet you don’t know that it means much more than that. I love you means to spend your life with that one special person, to go throught the bad times and the good times together, to help each other out no matter what the situation is. But so many people don’t understand it, yet they say it all the time…..what kinda world to we live in???

My heart aches when i think about how far away he is from me.

I just talked to him about an hour ago….he was sleepy so i let him go….hes jus so cute.

I made him smile and told him to go to sleep…he layed in bed and fell asleep after i hung up…his voice seemed like he was tired…his voice calmly healed my heart…and slowly it began to feel like there was never a wound in it….as soon as i hung up it began again….the pain..the wounds in my heart started to come back… You know how u feel when u have butterflies caz you know you’re making a big step or doing something so amazing and your so nervous that u feel like you wana throw up…imagine feeling like that 24/7. Every second i keep opening up my yahoo messenger and check to see if he’s online…when i don’t see him there i feel as if hes just invisible and he’s joking with me so i hope to receive a msg from him…but i get nothing… it hurts when everyday you wake to expect something so precious to happen to you but then you end up crying all alone. Everyday i sit in my bed reading old emails on our account…..i laugh and then i cry. I read his emails that he sent me when i was in india for 6 months…and i ask myself how hard would that have been for him? In india, you have so many people to talk to…your whole family is there…you go to places and your mind if sort of distracted from what you really need….but here….u sit here and write stupid emails when you know that he’s not going to reply back anytime soon. Stupid love….if you have anybody who u love more than anything…go and spend your time with them…you don’t know how precious something is untill u loose it or untill your really far away from it. That person, doesn’t have to be your boyfriend….it cud be anybody and anything. Love is god…and God is love….nothing in this world is stronger than the power of love. Many people don’t even believe in god or love…and that’s totally against what i think but it’s who you are. One day, when those people find something so close to themselves…they’ll pray to god for that thing/person and that’s when they’ll realize that love is god…and god is love…..

I have many more things to learn in life….i have many things to understand….but for now all i kno is that i love you raj and i hope when u read this….you’ll understand what i was trying to say….i miss u pookie ji come home soon…my arms will always be open for u and my heart….is always with u ….gud night my superman muwhaaaaz i love you tons and i miss u like crazy….i’ll always be waiting for u….and it doesn’t matter how far we are…im always gona love u in fact i will have even more love for u…my love for u increases 1000000000000000000000X every and each second that i live….and every second that i breathe…i love u…and always will

(Screen) Name: monaxoxo831

During the day, i breathe many times, i cry many times, and my heart well…my heart beats all the time…not so that i can live…but so that it can say your name and tell youh how much i love you. I love you soooooo much raj…soooooo much….So today i watched an indian tv serial called Pyar Ka Bandhan. In that story, there’s a mother who raises her 4 children all by herself. That mother is very poor but she has this courage that keeps her going…and that is the love of her 4 children….after a few days she finds out that she has blood cancer…..she thinks about what to tell her kids….what to do with them….how will they grow up alone? But she doesn’t tell them anything and she even spends her money for her children’s wants and needs, instead of going to the doctors to get medicine for herself…That is TRUE LOVE…..In love, the happiness of the other person/whoever you love is essential to your own…I stopped watching it but i started to think about it….It’s just amazing what love can do….that mother had a choice….A.) to take care of her children or B.) Send them to some orphanage and live her own life….stress free……Love is everywhere…it’s always around you because god is everywhere…and god is love…love is god. Anywaysz today i talked to my raj ji and it felt good to talk to him after a while…Everytime i talk to him my heart skips a beat…it feels happy….its like this feeling that you get when you know you have something so special that nobody else in the world has…..its jus simply amazing….His voice just calms me down from all the stress…and my tears just fade away…..and before i know it…..a smile falls across my face. You know it’s really funny when you ask people, what do u picture when you think of love? Many people would answer it by saying “a couple” but it doesn’t always have to be a couple…Love can be anything…it can be your dad, who u love a lot….you kids, your anything,….thats the beauty of love… But the most difficult part in love is TRUST & HOPE….two main big things….if you don’t understand those two things….you won’t have true love…..When you love somebody, you shoulld trust them with all your heart….When you have your ups and downs, you and your loved one should hope…..you shoud hope together….you should help out that special person…..you should trust and hope, as one person. When raj and I started to date….I lied to him many times, I don’t know why i did that but i did. I was a different person back then. But when i did lie to him…he knew about it. He taught me to trust and to have hope. Today, i don’t ever lie to him..and when i mean NEVER i mean NEVER. It’s pretty hard to believe isn’t it? I know, some of you guys are probably like…she’s just making it up…or she has to lie to him at least once..but no…i don’t. Every time i do something bad or something that i shouldn’t have done, i tell him. Raj is the reason why i am who i am today. He’s the reason why i have a gud heart..because if he wasnt here…i’d probably be like any other typical punjabi girl. I would be so changed that if i was to go back to how i was before, you wouldn’t even recongize me. Today I am so proud to say that I am Manpreet Kaur, wife of Gurwinder Singh. My Raj is the most loving, cutest, big hearted person that i have ever known in my life. Without you pookie, i’d be a piece of trash that would lay on the floor and be stepped on all the time. Sometimes i ask myself, “do i wana be his sun or his moon”?? If i am his sun, then i would light up his life everyday with happiness but if i was his moon, then i would help him out and shine on him during his darkest hours, when he would need a friend. Confusing? I don’t know if i want to be his sun or moon, but i sure will be his wife, his everythiing whenever he needs me. If he needs me to be and act like his sister, i will do that, if he needs me to act and be his mom then i will do that too…i will be everything and anything for you raj…you’re my life and when u need a sun i will be your sun and when you need a moon, i will be there for you i love u raj….i miss u a lot …and like every other day, i’ll be waiting for you mwuhaaaaaa i love u….

(Screen) Name: monaxoxo831

In our religion, it’s an omen to sneeze before you start a new task. It doesn’t matter if the task is small or big. When i started to type my first entry, my husband sneezed. lol =] It’s also forbidden to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Our parents choose the person who we will spend the rest of our lives with…these are the rules that i have to live with. I truly love my religion and so does gurwinder(my husband). It teaches us many important values that we use in our daily lives. Our religion teaches us many things including that we should respect elders, believe in one god, and never hurt anyone. Today i am 14 years old and my husband is 19. Shocking? yea…if i was in your place i would be shocked too. In fact we live in the USA, and i wasn’t forced to be married at such a young age; this is what i chose…this is what i wanted. On August 11th,2009 gurwinder put sindoor(vermilion) on my forehead. This is supposed to be done on the day of our marriage, in my religion. It’s a very important ritual. When he did that, i was considered and still am considered his wife and forever will be. We made this choice after 2 years of getting to know each other. Gurwinder asked me for my e-mail address on July 4th, 2007…2 years ago and that’s how everything began (click on The Begginning… to get the details of our begining). No one in my life knows that we really are husband and wife except for my younger sister, Ravneet(shes 11 today), who will play a very important role in our life. Every morning gurwinder picks me up and drops me at school. This way we get to meet for about 40 minutes everyday in the morning. My parents think that i take the bus everyday, but i don’t. I only take the bus sometimes; most of the days i go with gurwinder. We have to meet secretly everyday of our lives. I used to love summer until i started to date gurwinder. I hate summer now because, i never get to meet gurwinder in summer. It’s way too hard to get out of the house and meet him without letting anybody notice…it gets way too risky. Once Gurwinder gets a degree in Comptuer Science and Accounting, he will come to my house and ask for my hand from my parents. Most likely, we are going to have to run away…but let’s hope for the best. If i ever get caught with gurwinder or if my parents find out that i have a boyfriend (for us we are husband and wife..but u get the picture) i will be sent to india forever. And i know for sure that i will end up doing something stupid if i can’t hear his voice or meet him….who am i kidding, i would die….

(Screen) Name: monaxoxo831

You wouldn’t think that a 12 year old and a 17 year old would fall in love huh? It was a hot summer day….no it was 4th of July. I was getting ready to go to my temple (gurdwara), i quickly combed my hair and put on my white suit and we headed towards the gurdwara. I sat in the Langar Hall (place in the temple where food is served) with my friend. I saw him coming towards me and then he asked me for my e-mail adress and I gave it to him…I had known this guy from a long time ago…i used to live in the same neighborhood as him. I was very young when we used to play outside together along with many other kids. I was 8 years old when i first had a crush on him but then i had to move to another part of the suburbs in 4th grade. My heart was broken when my family and I moved away from him. But i met him again on 4th of July. As soon as i got home on that day, i checked my e-mail and we started to talk online.Then all of the sudden he asked me out….and i said yes instantly. That was my most amazing day ever. I was 12 and he was 17…he thought i was older because i looked older to him. When we started to talk on the phone, he asked me many questions and after 2 years of our relationship, we kissed.Pretty late huh? Well during those two years we went through a lot…we had our ups and downs but in the end…we were always together. Today i am 14 years old and my name is Manpreet. That boy’s name is Raj, he is 19 today. In our religion, when you put vermillon (sindoor) on a girl’s forehead, she’s considered your wife and from that day and on…you are considered to be married. On August 11th, 2009 he put vermillon on my forehead…and we were married. We knew so much about each other…In those two years we got to know each other so well that we trusted and still so trust each other more than anybody in the world. In our culture, everybody believes in castes even though our god said that there shouldn’t be any castes. I’m from a low caste and Raj is from a higher caste…there’s a 5 years of difference between us and yet we still are together today. It’s hard to believe isn’t it? It’s your choice to believe if this story is true or not…we have a site that we made please visit www.2heartz1soul.webs.com to know more about our love and why we are made for each other. Love…you can’t define it..you have to fall in love to know what it is
-MKB & GSB

(Screen) Name: mona831raj

I know there are many of you out there, maturity levels ranging far above and below my own, who believe my youth invalidates my story. I don’t blame you. I am only sixteen. “Highschool love” is just a big oxymoron to me. But no matter how many relationship websites or love story blogs you visit, you will never be able to define love like this.
Quite honestly, love is indefinite. I can’t define love, but I can tell you how love defines my relationship.

-Our romance is beneath our friendship. He is my best friend, not just my boyfriend. And “best friend” is how I will always think of him first. We agreed if we have to, we will break up before that ever changes.
-I lied to him that my parents abused me. I created bruises all over my body and slit my writs. I faked fainting spells and arrhythmia. I called him frequently while sobbing and threatening to commit suicide, faking my suicide twice. I faked extreme pyrophobia. And then I told him the truth.
-We talked ahead of time about sex. We are going to wait. We’re too young. We’re still growing. Things as important as sex should not be rushed, forced. Sex is a gift and a connection that we’re not mentally, physically prepared for.
-He thought he was going to die. I ditched the entire school day to be with him, deliberately disobeying my parents.
-He asked me what I would think if he left for the entire summer to go to a prestigious musicians camp. Though I didn’t want him to go, I encouraged him to. I will do what’s best for him even when it isn’t easy for me. While he was gone, I spent time with his mom. We planned a surprise party for the day he got back. I invited his close friends and cooked his favorite meals.
-When he is insecure, I don’t make him feel better. I give him a reality check.
-We are taking ballroom dance lessons together so that we won’t be like every other annoying couple vacuuming each other’s faces off at prom.
-We don’t make out. We don’t kiss. We connect. We are affectionate vs sexual.
-We are in love.

(Screen) Name: Nina

The time was fall of 2005. I am walking with someone who is very dear to me. Someone I adore deeply. She is a woman my age. Where we are walking is a heavily forested area that is all her land. It is remote and far away from everything. There is only one road through here. The forest on her land is broken by two hay fields, two horse pastures, half a dozen natural clearings, and a house and barn. There are 15 horses here, a couple tractors, assorted haying machinery, horse trailers, and the like. She looks after it all.

This is hardly a good day for a walk however. In the early morning the sky did not become light until well after it should have due to a very solid, dark and heavy overcast. It’s not raining, but there’s a heavy mist coming down. The mist collects in the pine trees and falls to the ground in big drops. We are walking on a tractor trail that connects the house and barn with the fields and some of the clearings. Often there is evidence of the activities of bears and wolves in the open areas. The horses are kept close to the house, and that is where the main pastures are as well. The wild animals stay away from that area other than an occasional sighting when they approach for a look out of curiosity. When ever she comes back this far on her land though, she carries a rifle. But today I am carrying it, slung over my shoulder.

This walk in less than ideal conditions is a necessary one. She talks about what this land means to her. She loves it. She knows every tree here. The fences that frame this huge tract of land, she put up by herself. She does the haying, training and feeding the horses, and works on the machinery or anything that needs fixing. There is always a lot to do here. Yet this woman next to me is just five feet tall, and has never weighed more than 120 pounds in her life. But she is a tough little stick of dynamite. She knows what work is, and often starts her day at 5:00 a.m. no matter what the weather brings.

She has auburn colored hair – fairly long. I often thought that a woman so outdoor active would prefer shorter hair. But she keeps it long and I’m glad, because it’s very pretty. I adore her smile. When she smiles, her eyes smile. Her feminine figure is evident in her blue jeans, tapered shirt, and a waist length denim jacket to help ward off the mist. She is beautiful. I have studied her figure every chance I get for two years now. I find her intriguing. And still, after two years when we create our private and intimate time to come together and she stands before me, I still tremble.

She wears leather work gloves now, since she had been feeding the horses earlier. Her jeans are worn and faded from long hours of mending fences, and cleaning stalls. Her denim jacket is worn as well, and the cuffs are becoming frayed. Our boots are soaked from walking in the wet tall grass.

After she has talked and made clear her need for this place and what she does here, I take control of the conversation. I too love the place where I live, my little town. I am part of it, and all in the community share a devotion for one another. And my work is my life. I could never do anything else. Before I go to work, I feel good. I feel good while I am at work doing what I do. And when I get home, I feel good about what I have done. The problem that faces us is that our lives are 90 miles apart. I have been seeing her for two years. When ever any time at all permits, I drive out to be with her. Sometimes I can stay two or three days. Sometimes it’s only for 12 hours. But I am neglecting my own home, and the obligations that come with it.

I have had experience with horses and I appreciate anything mechanical. I help her with all the tasks around this place. But most of all, I cherish the time I have in her presence. But it is apparent that the physical gap, in miles, that separates us can never be closed. She has to stay where she is, and I have to stay where I am. The impracticality of our deep affection for each other is surfacing with time, after having been ignored for so long. This conclusion wasn’t arrived at today. It is something we have been discussing for a couple months. The fixes for the problem simply won’t work. And this reality is boldly before us.

After we each take our turns speaking, there is silence as we walk. I take her gloved hand in my hand to silently confirm with her she is still in my heart. We pass patches of wild strawberries and blueberries. I know she is thinking she must get back out here and pick them for canning before the bears take them all. It’s part of her ritual. I understand it’s part of the fulfillment she cherishes by living here.

We are getting closer to the barn now, and beyond that is where my truck is parked. The best route from the barn to my truck is to follow a fence line through the trees. We walk into the barn and I dry off the rifle with a dirty towel on a work bench. I put the rifle where it belongs – concealed behind a wooden plank. Just above us in the rafters, is an owl. He has long since become accustomed to the daytime activities in the barn, and is fast asleep. The dreary day has made the light in the barn very dim. Usually, on a sunny day, the barn is a very bright and welcoming. But not today. The mist has given way to a steady rain now. The shoulders and sleeves of her jacket are already quite wet from the long walk in the mist. And my clothes are wet too. We talk some more in the barn. We are old enough and smart enough to realize that if either one of us sacrificed a part of his or her world to be with the other all the time, it wouldn’t work out. Sacrifice would turn into regret, and regret is an anchor on a vessel that must keep moving forward. So it is now that we fully understand we must let go.

We leave the barn through the opposite door we came in, towards my truck. We walk along the fence line to the opposite side of the trees. We stop here. My truck is just one hundred yards away. We turn towards each other and I place my hands on her waist. She takes off her leather gloves and lets them drop to the ground as she puts her hands on my waist as well. We confirm that we will miss each other very much. I am looking intently at her pretty face.

We only talk a little bit out here because we are getting rain soaked. I could never leave here. She tells me. I could never live in a town. And I know you could never give up being an Engineer and leave the rails and the trains.

You are really good with the horses she continues, and good with the machines too. You know what needs to be done, and when to do it. Both with this land. she steps in a little closer to me, and with a smile and a quiet voice says, and with me too. She is looking up at me. As the rain falls on her face, her eyes don’t even flinch. This woman has stood outside in much worse weather than this. I leaned down and kissed her mouth. I knew that would be our last kiss, and I expected her to let go of me at that moment, but she didn’t. Instead she shook me slightly, as if she didn’t already have my complete attention. You know what I wish? What I really, really wish? I wish you and I had connected 20 years ago, instead of just two. 20 years ago we didn’t have such deep set roots in our lives, we were more flexible, and together we could have grown in to who we are now.. because you and I make one hell of a good team.

With that, she let go of me, and I her. She bent over to pick up her gloves off the ground and began walking the fence line back through the trees. I studied her figure for the last time as she left. I lost focus for a moment as I realized that I had a lot of thoughts and painful emotions to analyze over the coming days. When I looked for her again, she was gone. Out of necessity, we had given up something very precious. And now I was a man who had lost true love, just standing in the rain.

(Screen) Name: Derail