Silly

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Silly

Chris told me he ran into you a week ago.   To his credit he really really didn’t want to tell me.  I guess his honesty policy and what’s best for me policy, well you know which one ran out.  I just spent the past two minutes looking at the blinking blue line of what I’m supposed to say next.     I asked you please try and understand that there is no one there hasn’t been anyone and at some point there will be someone but as of today there is no one in this world who knows me better than you do.  It’s not your fault that I live inside my head which is why something like this that really shouldn’t matter is so destructive it’s so hard for me to recover from.  You saw everything and I mean everything and you ran and you left and then you found a replacement.  As I write this I actually see your point you don’t deserve to be tied to a crazy person.I did everything in my power to make you love me because I’ve never been loved before.  That’s so unfair to you.  And I completely understand why you don’t me you got back together with me you don’t me you got back together with me you shouldn’t have to bear responsibility like that.  I fell in love with you so fast and you were smart enough to see it.  That was so unfair to you.   I understand so much now I understand why you cried it was because you cared about me and you felt bad for me you knew I loved you and you understood that you weren’t ready to give that same kind of commitment no one should’ve been.  You are always the type to play it smart and I was definitely a bad gamble.  I wish I could make you understand that my love for you as tainted as it seems was realer than anything I’ve ever and probably ever will experience but I understand.  You’re one of the smartest persons I’ve ever met and I was ready to marry you within three weeks of meeting you.  That’s only something a crazy person with you and you were smart enough not to know that but to pick up on it.  I looked at you and I said you were crazy because you were 34 gorgeous smart funny and single and that you must have been fucked up but the reality was it was me, it always had been me.  I just hope when you said maybe someday later on down the road just maybe just maybe you meant that.   I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to send in the mind of a crazy man but putting it out there and hearing it from myself has helped a lot but God I still just feel, I just want to see you.   It’s taking everything in my power not to do what I’ve done over and over again .  I obviously don’t believe in God but there must be some sort of higher power because I don’t have Facebook you don’t have Facebook and there’s no way that I can see what I know would end up hurting so much, so, goodbye and maybe you meant we would find each other later in life.

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