This is a story about my childhood memories from ten years ago. When I was in grade school, I have a crush on this boy in my class who always wears All Star shoes(Converse). He’s very cute and a lot of girls like him. He doesn’t talk much and only have a few friends. We sat together in the same roll in class but we were separated by two students. I never talk to him because I was new to America and didn’t speak English. One day, he started to talk to me on our way to lunch. He asking me questions but I have no clue what he said. Then he suddenly asked me to give him a high five. I did. From that day on, he started give me high five during lunch. One time I told him no when he asked me to do high five. He  laughed so hard but I didn’t understand why. He’s very cute when he laughs. I ended up doing the high five anyway.

As time past, I found myself separated away from him even though we still sat in the same roll (closer this time). I feel embarrassed looking of him in the eyes. I started to avoid him and he did the same to me too. (I just learn now because puberty hits us that’s why we avoid each other). I never talk to him after we graduated from elementary school. I didn’t even ask him to sign my shirt. I was too embarrassed.

As the year passed by, we end up in the same middle school. I didn’t  have any classes with him, but I always see him walking home and at school. We have PE together but different teachers. He became handsome now instead of cute. We still never communicate. I wish that time I talk to him because my English has been improved. However, instead of talking to him, I avoid him. I remember after PE class, he was looking at me for a long time. He has this stare on his face that I still remember till this day. The boy and girl lockers were very close together. After I changed my PE clothes, I came out and accidentally bumped into him. I look at my right side (the boy locker door) and there he was, looking at me without blinking. Okay he did blinked but I never see a boy looks at me like that before. We shared a moment of silence until other students came outside to wait for the bell rang. There was another time I saw him drinking a water fountain at school. I went and drank after he did. There was another time we bumped into each other during lunch. We sat on the same table but I was so nervous that I asked my older sister to switch seat with me. I was looking on my food the whole time. There was another time I saw him walking home by himself. That day I decided to called his name so loud and hide behind a car. I saw he looks around then continued walking home.

I never saw him again after that day. When summer came, I didn’t have any plan so I decided to go to summer school. The school I went for the summer was at a different location. Thus, I have to take the school bus and that school bus station is near his house. His house was by our elementary school. Okay I’m not a stalker. It was his fault for coming out when I was walking home so I saw where he lived. He looks shock when he saw me walking across the street with my sister and her friend. He was going somewhere but he just stopped and stared at me. I look at him too and turn around quickly. That was our last encounter. I never saw him again till this day.

My family moved to a different city after summer school. I thought that my my memory of him is going to be faded so I wrote them down as much as I can. I tried to remember every little detail about him. I told myself to not forget him. I told myself that I will find him one day. However, it has been ten years and I never find him. I tried to search for him on social media but no luck.  I didn’t know his last so it was hard to find him.

As the time moving forward, I stop thinking about searching for him and focus on my education. I was in college by this time. It was my third year. While in college, I bumped into this one guy who I have several encounters with. I thought I like him so I decided to wrote him a note. In the note it says: “Can I be your friend?”  He said “Of course, silly.” I thought that was very cute. I was touch but I never talk to him after that. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a very quiet and nice person but I found out that he only like smart girl from my classmates so I end up not talking to him. After meeting this guy in college, he reminds me to search for my childhood crush again. That day I tried some searches on Facebook and I found him. I was so happy and super excited. I added him and sent him a message at the same time. He accepted me after one hour later. I asked him if he remembers me but he said no. I feel so sad and hopeless. I tried to make him remember me by talking about our encounters in grade school but he keeps apologized that he doesn’t know me. I told him it’s okay because it been so many years. We chatted for ten minutes online talking about school. After that he never message me, so I decided to message him back. I feel so depressed and frustrated why he doesn’t remember me. I messaged him why doesn’t he remembers me and what can I do to make him remember me. I think I came out a little dumb and too forward. He saw my message but never reply. I sent another message stating that I was sorry about earlier. He replied back that it’s okay and not to worry.

I didn’t bother messaging him again. But then, I can’t help myself. I must meet him to sure of my own feelings. Since I have family lived in the same city where he lived, I decided to visit him during Spring break. I messaged him if he would be in town on that weekend because I would like to meet him. About five minutes later, he replied that he’s “busy all weekend.” At that moment I know what he means. He doesn’t want to be mean to me so that was the only polite way to reject me. I don’t know if he has a girlfriend or not but on his Facebook page he only posts himself. Anyway, so I got rejected but I still went to visit my family. On my last day, I messaged him again. It was early and cloudy in the morning on Wednesday. I asked him to meet me at our elementary school at 10:30am and that I have something to give him. I never received a reply. I already know his answer that he never going to come. I went to the school. It was so quite because all the students are still in class. I got out of my car and waited for him. I found a spot by the parking lot. I waited for him under the tree by the lot. I wait and wait but he never come. Then it started to rain. It rains very hard and my hairs were soaking wet. I was shivering because I was wearing a skirt on that day. It was 11 a.m. already but I told myself to wait just five more minutes. Suddenly I felt something on my eyes. It was not the rain but my tears. Did I cry? Did I really cry because of him? Oh my god I’m so stupid. I end up waiting till 11:20 a.m. I went to my car and took out a pen and paper. I wrote him a note and put under the tree I was waiting for him, along with a jar of my memories of him. (I made the jar for him and it took me five hours to do it. Later, I found out that jar of memory is for couple only. I was so embarrassing. I hope that gift end up in the trash somewhere. Hey, don’t judge me. I never have a relationship so I don’t even know.)

So I went home crying in my car. It usually a four hours drive home but it only took me two hours. It was not busy and I was speeding. I play the music very loud and blamed myself for being so stupid. After a week, I messaged him back that I’m sorry for freaking him out and will not bother him again. He never reply me. Since my sister and I shared one Facebook account, I decided to not log into that account again and give it to my sister. I made a new one. I didn’t add him on my new account. (Okay I did added him but he was a jerk. He never add me back, but I don’t blame him because if I was him I would be scared too). I don’t know when he will ever remember me again.

I hope you enjoy reading my story.

Below is a small section I wrote on my dairy I would like to share.

I found myself in a situation where I shouldn’t be. This year my feelings are so different. I never experience this feeling before. The feeling of wanting and the feeling of nothing. I know I do have these types of feeling before but this time is romantic feeling. Am I actually in love this year? I don’t know but half of myself is actually chasing after love. I was so impatient about someone that I must see him or I will never get the chance to see him again. However, I end up broken after asking him to meet me. I came out all wrong and stupid. This is the first time I do something stupid like this; asking someone to meet me is so stupid. I never thought he took my words that way. Does he really think I like him or something? I must admit that I do like him because he was my childhood crush but now I don’t really know if I like him or not. When I found him on social media, I thought that it would be a good idea to meet him but it never happened. It was just my imagination of meeting him for the last time of my life. I have been waiting for ten years that’s why I decided to take a chance and followed my heart. I should have follow my brain instead?.  Ever since that day I never contact him again. The day I waited for him on the rain. Why am I waiting for him when he already told me he’s not coming? I’m not stupid but why did I that?  He makes me feel like I’m a creep and have done something horrible wrong. I want him to delete me on Facebook but why didn’t he? He should delete me because if I was him I would be scared too. I don’t know what to say to him to not misunderstand me. I want him to know that my intention is good not bad. I want him to remember me even though he didn’t want to. When I talk to him online it seems like he doesn’t wish to talk to me. I know because I came out like a stalker to him. If I was in his position I would not talk to someone like that too. He makes me create a new Facebook account. I’m so stupid for adding him in the first place. I shouldn’t talk to him or asking him questions about me. I should know better that it has been so long, he will never remember me. We’re all adults now and there nothing I can blame him. I chose to remember him because I want to. He chose to not remember me because he wants to.

Ever since that day, I threw away all my notes that contained my memory of him when we were in grade school. In my dairy, I wrote that I wish to meet him again. I want to hold into faith and hope that one day I will get to see him. In the end, I did meet him but only on social media. I also wrote that I will hold into him and never let him go but I can’t. He took my intention all wrong, so wrong. I don’t know how to explain it but I wish that one day he will come to understand my true intention. I wish that one day he will ask me to meet him so I can explain myself to him. He probably thinks I wanted something from him but am I? I never thought about it.

 Innocent love. That’s what I held in my heart for her. My heart fluttered every time I saw her. I remember the way her chocolate hair flowed in the wind, cascading across her shoulders. I remember how she would do the most awkward things, how color filled her beautiful cheeks. I remember the fireball she was, how endlessly loving and enthusiastic she was.

 But I also remember how I noticed these things; sad things. I remember how I could tell if her smile was fake by the twitch in the corner of her mouth. I remember how my heart broke as I helplessly watched her deal anxiety. I remember how she would always wear shorts that covered her thighs. I remember how she would break down, how she would hate herself.

 I remember the day that I told her about my suicide attempt and she told me about her’s. I remember how I cried with her. I remember letting her down, I remember picking her up. I remember how we hugged that first time I saw her after she had gotten out of the hospital. I remember how she was the only reason why I did not kill myself. I hope I was her reason.

 I remember that day at school where the lunch table was full and she asked if I wanted to sit on her lap. I remember how I internally freaked out and awkwardly declined.  

 The thing is, I have only known this woman for a year but I want to truly get to know her. I want to learn her pet peeves, I want her to tell me her life story and rant. I want to help her. I want her to truly believe and know that I couldn’t imagine the world without her. I want her to know these things that I can’t put into words. I could think for hours and not find out the right mixture of 26 letters to express how important she is to me. I won’t ever be able to understand how such an amazing person could hate herself and want to end herself. I want to be there for her, to break any of those lies.

 Because I’m in love with her. I’m in love with her personality, her scars, and who she is. I wouldn’t change a thing on that astounding woman.

 I am innocently in love with her. I want to fall asleep beside her, to brush the strands of deep brown hair out of her eyes. I want her to feel loved. I want to be the one that fixes the future and puts a peace of mind on the past. I want to be her first love.

 I love her. I love the way her eyes have so much depth. I love the choker that wraps around the base of her tanned neck. I love her true smile, how it perfectly fits in her complexion. I love her figure, regardless of society’s standards. I love the little bows she expertly weaves into her hair. I love the way she can make anyone smile. I love her weird nature, how she isn’t afraid to be herself. I love her story, how it proves how strong and amazing she really is.

 I want to brush my hand across her cheek and kiss her. I want to make up for all the times she felt worthless. I need to make her realize how much better she is compared to these illnesses.

   I want to make her feel wanted.

   I want to be her first love.

There was this boy named Jordan who came to my school to shadow in fifth grade. Right away I liked him and hoped he came to my school. He did.

Jordan was a bit childlike but I liked him for that. He was witty and funny with a big mouth.

Once in sixth grade (my school is tiny, 300 kids) when I was at science, Morrison asked my brother (at least this is what he told me),
“Who does Katherine like?” My brother, (god why didn’t you just shut up) began ticking down the list of all the boys until he got to Jordan. Morrison immediately said,
“Aha! Katherine likes Jordan!” When I got back from science, my friend Nick (whom I told about my other crush) asked me if I liked Jordan. I mumbled some cuss words and said,
“Kinda.” And that was that. Jordan heard everything, and he knew I liked him. It was a bit hard to talk to him after that, but I managed.

As we got to seventh grade, a new girl named Melody came to my school. She was on the pretty side and blond. Now, I’ve been trying to get over Jordan, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. Also, my BFF has a crush on him. Only four people (including my brother…long story) knows I like him. So Melody asked Jordan out, and I was glad to hear that he said no.

Jordan is…unpredictable. He has a very big mouth and he talks a lot (most of the stuff he says is bs) and it is impossible to tell who he likes. None of the “secret signs” applies to him. He’s on a totally different scale, needing a totally different guide to read.

But now I’m worried…he’s cute, yes, and he has a lot of admirers. Who does he like?

(Screen) Name: Kit Kat

I’m a teenage girl. I always thought that teenagers are to young for love. So if any of my friends were to say ” Hes the one!”, ” Im in love with him for sure”, or ” But I can’t break up with him, I love him!” I would think ‘ They have NO idea what their talking about’ but this was before it happened to me.

His name is Dane. I only met him this school year, he came from an other school with some of his friends. I go to a small school so we only have about 400 students tops at my school. There are four buses that drops us off. We both caught the bus to school but he caught bus four while I caught bus one. If anyone would of asked me if I had feelings for him I would of probably look at them if they were crazy, but this was before I fell in love with him.

Hey don’t get me wrong, I don’t just judge people on the spot from their looks but when I first saw him he wasn’t the most good looking guy here. His hair was always messy, he had one hell of a mouth on him, he always acted stupid around his friends and he was just plain goofy.

In the 2nd quarter of school he and his sister would sometimes catch my bus after school. Since he was the same age as me, my friends and I would talk to him on the bus. Turns to find out he wasn’t such a bad guy. He was fun to hang around with, that goofy grin would always make us laugh, that dirty mouth of his always had something funny to say then later we became good friends.

When I started to know that I had a crush on him wad toward the ending of the 2nd quarter on the bus coming back from school. We dropped of the 1st load of kids so there was barely anyone on the bus. He sat across from me we talked a little but we was both tired from school so we just looked out the window. For some reason I kept glancing at him to see what he was doing, but when ever I would look back at him he would just be looking at me too. I just don’t know, I looked him right in the eye quickly then turned to my window. I felt it, my heart beated so fast, my face heated up, I couldn’t stop smiling and I just knew I had a feelings for him.

I couldn’t help but think ‘God why? Why do I like him?’ like any girl would of course I tell my best friend. Leah. She thought it was soo funny! Remember what I told you? He wasn’t the best looking guy or the smartest. I told her to be quite and we just laughed together and she thought that it was just sooooooooo cute!

I was set on getting over it. I thought it was gonna be easy because 1. I have zero out of seven periods with him so I would barely even see him. 2. He catches my bus after school like once every two weeks or something. So you see what I mean? Easy. But boy was I wrong. He ended up being in a tutoring class ( like I said, he IS NOT the smartest guy around) and was able to cross out two periods and had to move to the rest of my classes. Then he and his sister had practice for paddling so everyday after school he would catch my bus because my bus was a faster route.

I was so irritated that my plan had failed but was a little….well fine I was really happy that I saw him more. At first Leah and I thought it was just a bad crush. Like really bad because I never acted how I did to any of my previous crushes. He could just walk pass me and I would be smiling like crazy. He would just talk to me or just give me his goofy grin and I would blush until my head looked like a giant tomato. He could be sick and I would panic and sometimes even be close to tears. It was just a confusing feeling.

Then somehow everyone started to notice ( you would have been blind not too) that I liked him. I’m sure that he was the ONLY one that didn’t notice. But when he found he started acting so different around me. He only talked to me if it were necessary, he couldn’t look at me in the eye anymore, and he would avoid me.

I couldn’t handle it! It was nearing two weeks and it was just driving me to depression. I was sad most of the time and tried to hide it. I was even brought down to tears and just couldn’t take it anymore. I was so close to being over it. One more day of the pain and suffering and it would be over. But then he just…ugh!

He started to crack up jokes around me again. Hang out with me and my friends again and all these other things and I was so mad! But…I almost cried at how happy I was because he started talking to me and hanging out with me again. But again if someone were to say ” So are you to gonna go out?” he would just play it off pike another joke of his and say ” Not gonna happen!” or ” No way, me and her?” I knew that he was just letting me off easily but it still hurts.

But then I started to get mixed signals! He would always be looking at me or something. I caught him staring at me alot! And sometimes if we would get into touchy play kind fights he would blush. And just smile at me, not his goofy grin but a nice smile with that adorable blush on him made me blush too! And on the last day of school we had out banquet. I was just gonna give him a quick hand shake when I had to go ( hey I’m a tomboy, don’t judge) but when I reached out my hand he grabbed it and pulled his arm around me then hugged me tight. That was one of the best moments of my life. I couldn’t help but feel the warmth go through my body.

I had boyfriends before but they never made be felt like that with just a hug. That’s when I knew it was more then just a crush. We are now almost back to school and just finished summer school not to long ago and are still dancing around each other with mixed feelings.

If anyone would ever say, ask, or tell me I might deny it…never mind I will dent it. It’s not just a crush anymore…I’m in love with him. I don’t just love that body of his ( he goes to paddling practice and they build a body. What can I say?) or that grin that could make any girl blush. I love that goofy grin, they way he acts, his laugh, his smile, that glint in his eyes, his messy hair, his dirty mouth, and everything else. He is my first love and I will remember that forth rest of my life.

(Screen) Name: Just a Girl8

Teenage Love, Crush, School, Not always a happy ending, mixed feelings.

(Screen) Name: JustANormalGirl8

First of all, I know this story is gonna be very long..but at least please try to read my story so you can get some ideas about soul mates and secret love. Enjoy reading!

I remember this guy back when we’re still in fourth grade let’s call him in the name of Mr.Genius (coz his very good in Math). So my story goes like this.

First day of school, I meet my old friends and some new classmates. Our class adviser decided to arrange our seats. He seats in front of me. We still don’t know each other that time.

The second day, the teacher told us to get 10 sheets of pad paper for our penmanship folder, then the guy seating in front of me offered to give me ten sheets of pad paper, he was kinda friendly to me, but I said no thanks coz I have my own. The next few days, he was friendly to me and we talked to each other, get to know more about each other, and I noticed that when I arrive at school he was there talking with his guy friends and when he saw me arrive, he suddenly will go to his seat. These time I was thinking that this Mr. Genius guy likes me because I saw some obvious signs where in a guy is doing when he likes a girl. But, that time I wasn’t that into things like crushes or simply boyfriends thingy. That time I already knew that Mr.Genius likes me, so I was thinking of a way so he would not like me anymore, then I start to be rude to him, and I start to avoid him. One time when we were having our Chinese calligraphy class, he’s jacket was placed at the back of his chair. Then suddenly I accidentally brushed my Chinese brush onto his jacket, leaving a big black mark on his jacket. I’m so shocked and don’t know what to do, because I know if he found out he’ll be mad at me. So I decided to just sit quietly and continue writing. Later he found out, then he asked me if I was the one who did that, I said it wasn’t me, because I was afraid to tell him. Then he got mad at me and told his friends about it. The first quarter has ended and the teacher again decided to change our seat plan, this time it was me who was seating in front of him. It was like every time if the teacher is going to change our seat plan, he is always near me. That time when I accidentally put Chinese ink into his jacket, from then on don’t talk to each other anymore, few weeks past, we began to develop shyness between the two of us. Every time I’m gonna pass near him, I noticed that he is trying to avoid me.

When we were in fifth grade, I don’t know what was happening to me, but soon I just realized that I have feelings for him (It’s just really weird), so that time I don’t know what I was doing, I black texted him, and in one of our text he asked me if I was interested in him and I said I was..(I don’t know what I’m doing that time, right know I’m thinking back that time were I confessed to him that I like him, It makes me feel that I’m totally a foolish girl.) But soon he knew that it was me and I was so ashamed, don’t know what to do because he is telling his friends that I confessed to him that I like him.

By the way, his friend’s brother and my brother know each other and they were both friends, so it means Mr.Genius Guy knows my brother and my brother knew everything that I was doing, and I felt very ashamed. I just wish I didn’t do that anymore.

When we were in sixth grade, Mr.Genius guy has a crush on a girl. Just so you know, Mr.Genius guy is a playboy.

This Mr.Genius guy has a friend, and his friend has a crush on my friend. His friend knew that I like Mr.Genius. So his friend told me that if I would agree to spy on my friend and he to will spy on Mr.Genius and tell me more about him. Then I agreed. He asked Mr.Genius if he is still interested in me, and Mr.Genius guy said that he has liked me back when we were still in fourth grade until now (sixth grade) (that time he likes a girl, me and genius guy are not classmates anymore in sixth grade.)

When there is a batch program or when I’m walking at the hallways or at the corridors, sometimes we cross pass each other and I saw that he stares at me and suddenly look back, he is totally shy too. We haven’t talk for almost 2 and a half yrs. already because we were not classmates. And it’s almost our graduation so I decided to ask him if I could have his graduation pic, he was really shy, and I notice him blushing, and he said yes.
I’m just wondering why is that, if he likes someone at the school, he asks the girl if she can be his girlfriend, but he has a crush on me too, but why is that he is too shy and doesn’t do the same thing to me like what he does to the other girls he like.

Now, that I’m a freshmen, sometimes we cross pass each other and sometimes he look at my eyes so deeply, like he wants to say something, we try to act normal to each other. Sometimes I realize that my fate is testing me, because often we saw each other in the same places. And until now I still has a crush on him, even though he has hurt me a lot of times, I keep on telling myself that I’m not gonna like this person anymore and I’m gonna forget him already, but this feeling I have for him still does not fade away and keeps coming back. I still have this one question on my mind..Does he still like me?

Feel free to post comments:)

(Screen) Name: Hollywo0dPrinc3ss

It was summer, and i had come back from a 1 week camp. I had stayed with some friends and i had had so much fun. This was when i realized that i didn’t fancy my boyfriend ray anymore. As it was summer and he was in Ireland i had no choice but to break up with him by text. It was really upsetting as i didn’t wanna break up with him by text, it’s too harsh. He replied to my text saying if i have a new boyfriend? Over the camp i had a crush on a guy called Manny. But he wasn’t anything compared to my true love. I replied back saying no i haven’t, he then answered saying that he has i immediately felt angry and asked him when the hell he was going to tell me? He said something dumb and replied saying I wasn’t going to. This was when i met Reese. Me and Reese had been good friends for a while. We had exchanged numbers in a maths lesson. We occasionally texted about life. He helped me get through my anger which only lasted about a day. We had texted for a while and i asked him if he wanted to go bike riding with me as friends. He said yes and we met at the park. We couldn’t be asked to go bike riding so we must have spent four hours in the park. From 1:30-5:00 we lay on the hills watching clouds and making wishes on dandelions It was a true holiday love. And best of all it was reality not a dream. Every time i looked at him i just about melted. I had never had as much fun as i did with him! It was so cool! He had to go at 5 o’clock, deep down inside i had to as well but i didn’t care. We hugged for ages and i could just about shout out! This isn’t just friendship. I could tell! Even as mates we said how much we missed each other! We wanted to meet again but he had to go on holiday for two weeks. We texted so much! There wasn’t a day where we didn’t text. Then one day he asked me what I’d wished on my dandelion. I wouldn’t tell him until he did. He admitted that he liked me and said my wish word for word. He said he wished that we could be more than friends. I had wished exactly the same thing! He told me that he had liked me since year 7. (we were going into year 9 now) But he couldn’t ask me out because he was too shy and he knew i had a crush on a boy called Nick. I had to suffer without him for another week until he came back. We met up again in the park, we had so much more fun! And we climbed random trees. Whilst sitting on a branch we lent over and had our first kiss. I gasped and jokily said “That was our first kiss” And he laughed and kissed me again. It was a rainy day and we had nothing to cover ourselves so we sheltered under trees. I was in love and we kissed and hugged so much until we had to go. I had to walk home, around 10 minutes away from my house. Whilst walking home all i could think of was him. I had never been so happy! When we went back to school a week later, we announced we were going out. We hung out so much, sat next to each other in every lesson. We kissed and hugged and went to the park after school. We went out on Saturday to see a film. We kissed and hugged in the cinema! It was amazing! I went into another world when our lips touched. Unfortunately everything was going to change. We shared our last kiss at the park before i was going to Germany for a week a part of my school’s German exchange. I missed him so much! And one day i called from Germany on his mobile. He sounded unhappy and told me if he could call me back, I sensed something wasn’t right. I never called back and when we met with our school every day i talked to his friend Bethany and my friend Shanice. They reassured me. And when i returned to England i texted him and he texted back saying small things, not replying any kisses (xoxo) I realized this was the end and asked him what was wrong. I was sitting on the edge of my bed biting my nails so nervously. HE replied saying he needed to tell me something but couldn’t. I told him to and he broke up it me saying he liked me but not enough to go out. And that he didn’t want a girlfriend. I said OK and told him bye. He told me he didn’t want me to go. All i could remember was me lying on my bed in tears calling my best friend who was also one of Reese’s to call me. He told me he wasn’t worth it and stood by me through all these times. I told Reese i still wanted to be friends just to make him happy. We are friends and i sometimes still catch his eye and we blush. Sometimes i feel he still loves me and melt every time i see him. He flirts with a lot of girls around me and it hurts like crazy. I am mad about him and feels he likes a girl called Georgia. It hurts as she’s a really good friend of mine but flirts back. All my friends are helping me get through it and Reese thinks i am over him. He’s one boy who can make me happy and sad at the same time and break my heart into shards of glass. I am recovering slowly and still myself thinking back to the park times and cinema and everything. But then i remember he was my everything but now he’s my nothing. All i have to say is that don’t hold onto a person too tight. Cause one day they won’t be there…

(Screen) Name: Heartbroken </3