Relationship Expert Alina responding to common Questions

Every month, Counselor Alina will give a quick, short answer to common questions asked and submitted to us here at Love-Sessions. Her answers can be read through our E-mail newsletters, or by going to the Alina Answers Page on our website here.

Counselor Alina answers the following Question this Month:

Question: Is it ever okay to lie in a relationship?

Answer: The word “lie” can be such a dirty word, because it means keeping the truth from someone and involves some kind of deception.  Is lying always a bad thing though?

It depends on the lie. While we all prefer to be told the truth all the time (or so we think we do anyway), sometimes it is best if certain things are left unsaid.
There is a difference between a big lie where you are really deceiving your partner and a little white lie that will not really hurt anyone and is actually better if not said at all.  It also depends on the relationship and friendship you have with your partner. Some couples are very close and open with each other completely and are not sensitive to hear all kinds of truths from each other. However, there are some relationships where one partner may be sensitive to hear certain things about themselves or certain things, where it would be better for you to answer certain questions or make comments in a more sugar coated way. These kinds of white lies are not hurtful and will not be a betrayal to your relationship in any way. Lying about who were out with the night before or being in one place and saying you were in another for example, are lies that can be damaging to your relationship and can break a trust that can be very difficult to earn back.

Question: Is text flirting cheating?

Answer: With advancing technology, comes more ways of keeping in touch and communicating with people. Flirting used to be something you did in person when you came across someone you found attractive. Today, you can not only flirt in person, but via e-mail and text messaging as well. In fact, texting makes flirting even less dangerous because you are safe from getting caught physically interacting with someone in
 a flirtatious and sexual way and all text messages can get deleted before you even learn of them.

Is text flirting cheating though? That depends on the words being exchanged, as well as how it makes you feel in the relationship. A friendly text exchange that seems a bit flirtatious but is not really sexual is not really considered cheating. However, if the texting between your partner and another person become more and more sexual and become frequent, it can be cause for concern. It does not mean your partner will actually go and physically cheat on you with this other person, but it does mean he or she is starting to pay too much attention to someone in a sexual way. Most importantly, if it makes you feel upset and betrayed, then that is enough reason for your partner to stop if he or she truly cares, loves and respects you.

Question:Is moving in together a bad idea?

Answer: Many people move in together, so this is nothing new. Whether it is a good idea or not really depends on the two people involved. Some claim moving in together is good, because it gives them a chance to really get to know their partner, making it easier for them to decide if they want to really spend the rest of their lives together or not. This gives you two the opportunity to enjoy the experience of sharing your lives together without finalizing anything (such as marriage), so you can change your mind later if things do not work out, without going through all the legal stresses.

However, there are also some who claim that moving in together was a mistake because it sucked out all the excitement and mystery in their relationship and did not motivate either of them to get married or take any steps further into their relationship. You two are also sharing expenses and everything else like a married couple (only without the legal papers), but have no real responsibility for each other, so if things end up not working out, nobody owes each other anything really- and this is fine, as long you understand it and are okay with it.

So moving in together can be good and bring you two closer, but it can also be the opposite. In the end, you and your partner have to decide if you feel it is worth taking that chance and if you feel you both are ready to take this next big step in your relationship.

Previously handled issues by Alina:

Question: I have different career and life goals than my partner. Will this relationship work out in the end, even if we are not on the same page?

Answer: Every individual has his or her own idea of what success is, whether it has to do with career, love, family and life in general. No one is going to think and believe exactly alike and there are going to be differences, which can actually help add variety and keep things interesting in a relationship. You both will have something different to offer and learn from each other, which can really help you grow into a very strong couple. So there is nothing wrong with having different ideas about things and your relationship should be able to work out just fine, as long as you both truly want to be with each other and support each other in these differences.

Question: Can someone really be just too busy to return your call or text message?

Answer: The dating world can be tough and it is not always easy to find someone we feel really drawn to, so when we do meet someone that strongly appeals to us- we set high hopes that the person will like us as much as we like him or her, hoping that it will lead to serious dating.  

Your first date seemed to have gone really well and you even talked a few times after that, making things look very promising- when suddenly you find that your phone calls and/or text messages are not being returned as often, or at all. Anyone would feel concerned and burned by this sudden change, but it is in our nature to make excuses for people so that we can feel better and hang on to the high expectations that were set. Can someone really be too busy to get in touch with you? Not if they really want to hear your voice! While it is good not to panic and jump to conclusions when someone does not immediately return your calls and texts, you also should not make excuses for them just because you like them and are hoping for more to happen between you. If you two are just getting to know each other, then this person could be going through some personal problems and did not think to keep you up to date, which is nothing personal and he or she will eventually come around. However, it is also important to keep in mind that if this person is truly interested in you, they will definitely not forget to keep in touch with you- if only for a quick second to say in touch.

Question: Is it wrong to go after someone who is already in a relationship??

Answer: This one may seem tricky because while you want to try and do the right thing by respecting someone else’s relationship, you also cannot help the way you feel.  Before going after someone who is currently involved, it is important to first observe their behavior towards you. Is he or she heavily flirtatious? Has this person shown a romantic interest in you? If you have talked with this person and the two of you have expressed interest in each other, or you have reason to believe that the two of you could be a good match romantically, then go for it- gently. Talk to this person and let them know how you feel and if he or she responds mutually, then you two can take the next steps from there. Let him or her know that you want to get to know him/her better, but cannot do so while they are still in a relationship.  If this person feels that strongly for you and is interested enough in you, he/she will break up with the current partner and do the right thing.

Note: Many people often ask about the partner of the person they are interested in. They wonder if they should take that person’s feelings into consideration. Keep in mind that the one that needs to take their feelings into consideration and deal with them properly is their partner, not you.  Just do your part by being honest and letting this person know that you will not get involved unless they are free. This is being considerate to their partner, because you are not suggesting any dishonest acts or behavior.

Question: Should Ex Lovers be Friends?

Answer: Being friends with an ex is not always possible, depending on how the relationship ended. If it ended on really bad terms, it is most likely that both people involved with just go their separate ways, ending contact. However, there are times when an ex couple can get past all their issues and remain friends. Should ex lovers be friends?

Well, it is wonderful if two people who realize they are not really compatible as lovers, are able to turn that into a friendship and if you are able to be friends with an ex, you should be able to have that friendship. However, just make sure your friendship does not cross the line by spending too much time together, especially if there are new romantic partners in your lives, as you would not want to jeopardize your new relationship. Just keep the friendship appropriate and fair to everyone involved.

Question: If you have been seeing someone for a long time and they still are not ready for a full on relationship, is it okay to wait or is it hopeless?

Answer: This is a good question that many people already have the answer to, but insist on making excuses for their partner. The truth is, if your lover really enjoys being with you that much and feels you truly are a catch, then he or she will not want to gamble all that by refusing to enter a full on serious relationship with you. After all, what is he or she waiting for? If he or she wants to be with you, then you will be together and no one will hesitate at the thought of being in a relationship with you- they will not want to risk losing you.
Note: If your lover shows signs of having commitment and intimacy issues that you believe goes deeper, then perhaps he or she should seek help for that, so that he/she can enjoy being in a healthy committed relationship with you. If your partner wants to be with you and make healthy changes, then he/she will do what it takes and will not make excuses.

Question: Is there such thing as love at first sight?

Answer: When we think of “love at first sight”, we usually imagine seeing someone and instantly falling in love with them, knowing then and there that he or she is someone really special, and perhaps even “the one”. This is a beautiful thought and we all want to believe that love can be this miraculously and easily arranged, but it would be best to come down from your cloud just a tad and see things more realistically.

While there is such thing as feeling very drawn to someone at first sight, it certainly takes more than a glance or look, to fall in love and feel love for someone. Feeling real true love for someone you do not know is very unlikely, as it takes time for that kind of bond to grow.

However, all serious romantic relationships start with a mutual attraction between two people. So these attractions at first sight are important to get the ball rolling, just do not confuse your strong attraction for someone for love. Start with the attraction and take it from there.

Question: When should you break up with someone?

There is no standard answer to this question, because every person’s idea of what good reasons are for a break up differs. You need to ask yourself what your limits are when it comes to disappointments in a relationship. What are you willing to work on and for how long? What things are you not willing to forgive or stick around for?

The best way to determine whether you should break up with your partner or not, is if you no longer feel connected- regardless of the efforts being made or not made (on one or both your parts). If you no longer feel motivated to continue the relationship and work with your lover in taking the next steps, then this relationship is most likely no longer working for you. The sooner you figure this out and honestly communicate with your partner, the better.

Additional Notes: Emotional and physical abuse is something no one should accept in a relationship, and should leave right away and seek professional help, as well as support from friend and loved ones.

Question:

Is there hope for a relationship if one person wants to get married but the other one doesn’t?

Alina’s Answer:

Two people do not have to get married in order to show how much they mean to each other. However, depending on your beliefs and values, marriage can indeed be essential and necessary in expressing true love and commitment. There is hope for a relationship if both people involved love and respect each other enough to find a compromise they both feel good about. If your partner is not completely “against” marriage, then it should not be such a huge problem for him/her to compromise and get married so you can feel more secure in the love relationship between you. If marriage is something you really want, but it is not more important than being with your partner, then perhaps you might want to consider not getting married (it is all about setting priorities). However, if marriage is a “must” for you and is against your moral values not to get married, you will then have to review your relationship and see if it will really work for you in the long run. Again, there is hope if you both can work together, but if you two are on complete opposite sides and cannot compromise, it would be best to make some important decisions now, rather than get very disappointed later.

Previously handled issues by Alina:

Question:

Is it true that once a person cheats, that person is always a cheater and cannot be trusted again?

Alina’s Answer:

The experience of being cheated on is very painful and upsetting. However, if your partner cheats on you, it does not necessarily mean that he or she will always cheat on you from that point on. You should know your partner well enough, so his or her behavior after getting caught cheating will give you strong clues as to whether he/she will most likely cheat again. Pay attention to the effort being made on his or her part to make it up to you. If you still want to be in the relationship after being cheated on, the best thing to do is give yourself time to heal and get over it. You also need to give your partner time to prove to you that he or she can be trusted again, which will take a while since trust takes time to earn and even more time to re-earn. So no, once a cheater does not necessarily mean that a person will always be a cheater. People make mistakes sometimes and regret it and never do it again. Just keep an eye on it and listen to your instincts.

For a Personal and Detailed E-mail Session with Counselor Alina, please sign up here: RelationshipAdvice