My ex boyfriend and I broke up almost 2 years ago. We are each other first love.He was the first guy I opened myself to. I trusted him and in the end I fell in love with him.We were together for almost a year.It was a horrible break up and it took me a year of tears and yelling to learn to live without him. Despite the emotional torture I vented out on him, he was the perfect gentleman and stayed out with me till the end. It was the darkest period in my life. I cried myself to sleep everyday and I am ashamed to say that I even had suicidal thoughts as the pain was so intense I just wanted to end it. In the one year, I learned that he actually got into a relationship with another girl after 2 months we broke up. He hid it from me and lied to me with the excuse that I will not be able to handle it.We went our separate ways eventually and did not contact each other.
I am not exactly an ugly girl, I have a fair share of admirers. But till this very day, I have not dated anyone. I am not studying locally and I busied myself with other stuffs. I thought that I have been learning to move on and let go of my past, but I’ve come to realize that my past still haunts me greatly, when I come back home during semester break.
The pain I feel, after 2 years is still similar to the one I felt 2 years back. I look around at others and I wondered the same question to myself over and over again, why did other people’s boyfriend stayed with them without giving up while mine gave up on me? I have this urge to ask him if he is as haunted as me and did he have any regrets.
My hometown is not a very big place and surprisingly, I thank my lucky stars that we did not bump into each other. We have mutual friends too. Whenever I hang out with those mutual friends and they start talking about my ex, I do not know where to look or what to say without looking stupid. I am friends with his best friends too and just talking to them, it aches me.
I’ve changed greatly. The break up taught me that I am so afraid that the people I love will leave me. It taught me how scary when you hand out your heart and in return you have it smashed and return back to you.
I realize how afraid I am to being hurt again that I can no longer open up to anyone. I hold back a lot. But I cannot say I hide it well as some people see right through me.
Is it true that there is a solution to everything? What is the medicine for a broken heart? If it’s time, how long?
I thought I have stopped shedding tears for him. I have been so wrong.
My heart is aching so badly and I don’t know what to do.
I wish I have never met him. My heart is a broken and scarred heart.
It feels wrong to talk about it to others. I do not want to be pathetic.
(Screen) Name: Smiley
