I had had a terrible year when I on top of everything had to move . Away from friends and my grandparents, plus the nervousness and anxiety of a new school. Middle school. Such a rough time of life, adolescence. I climbed shyly on the bus, my first day. My usually outgoing and amiable demeanor quieted by nerves and intimidation. I sat down about a third of the way onto the bus, away from the scary punks in the back. We slowed to a stop and a couple kids got on, when one paused, “Hey! Can I sit with you?” I looked up, a bit startled. I had been busy trying to disappear.
“Sure.” I smiled faintly and glanced up. A boy pretty nondescript stood above me, brown hair, about 5’2…until I caught sight of his eyes as he sat next to me and smiled. Brown like my own, but so deep, open and honest…looking into his eyes was like a warm embrace. my nerves settled themselves and I found myself smiling back. it wasn’t love then. More like an instant connection. Meeting someone for the first time that you’ve known your whole life. I learned his name was Jeremy, and as that sixth grade year continued, I grew to know him almost as well as myself. We were bus buddies, sitting together and laughing, best friends in every way. We would have six hour phone conversations. If my sociopathic, verbally abusive father was making me feel alone or just hopeless and done with..everything, I could call him and pour my heart out. He’d share stories of his own father and make me laugh, which he was great at. The next day on the bus he’d grab my hand and make sure I was okay before cracking me up again. Seventh grade came and went, in which time I moved again, so we weren’t on the same bus, and we still talked, but not as much. I was miserable. I missed laughing with him, having him around to confide in. I’d had a crush on him all sixth grade but was never quite sure how he’d felt. Then, right before eighth grade began, he moved. Roughly six blocks away. In that time, we’d both changed a lot. Gone were my glasses, my ponytails. In was long, wavy hair and tasteful eye make up (unlike some of the girls in our school…blue eyeshadow *shudder*) His hair went from the “mushroom” cut as we called it to a longer skater style, minus the grease. I was shocked. We sat together on the bus the first day and I felt a hole that had formed in my heart begin to fade away, and as we talked, diminish entirely. About halfway through the year, I had begun teasing him, because although I hung out with everyone else in our neighborhood, we never really hung out outside of school. So I rounded up some friends one night, all boys as the girls in our neighborhood were an exclusive group and I didn’t make the cut. We called him and got him to come outside. I hugged him as soon as he walked out. I teased him, “How ’bout a kiss?”
He was shocked…”Umm no!” He cracked up, but as I pulled away from the hug, kissed me tenderly on the forehead. My turn to be shocked. It still wasn’t love. It was tingling and butterflies but not love. We (he and my friends) were playing truth or dare, and he got dared to kiss me. He leaned over, and being a gentleman, kissed me gently on the tip on my nose. i giggled softly and was so glad he was so nice and sweet about it. Then his next turn they dared him to really kiss me. We got up from where we were all sitting in a circle on his dead-end street and walked down the block and hid behind some flowery bushes. We were standing there when he looked at me. Me back at him. He leaned in, and slightly down, as I’m quite a bit shorter than him, and our lips met softy, just for a moment. it wasn’t my first kiss, but it was the best. It was his. We kissed a few more times, all quick innocent pecks that warmed me and left me wanting more. We then left the others, and he walked me to my house, putting his arm around me. I was so happy then. It was all I’d ever wanted. Since forever. Was someone to care about me the way he clearly did. I felt like I was dreaming. We got to my house, he kissed me once, then turned we went our separate ways. I went inside, m face flushed and sat in my room, playing the night on an endless loop in my mind. We dated a little while after that, his first relationship. It lasted a pitiful five days. The last one I had lasted three months. He broke up with me because he was talking about his father and got very emotional and was angry and embarrassed, broke up with me and hung up. We were on the phone at like one in the morning over the weekend. I (an insomniac) cried the whole night. We made up, and a little while later started dating again. That lasted seven pitiful days. I broke up with him, in person, because I was speaking about my father and was just so upset and he wasn’t understanding me at all. We took a break from dating and just went back to being friends. It hurt. A lot. Then one day I asked him to go for a walk. So we did. And this time, we were at the bay by my house, sitting in the sand, close to the chain-link fence when he picked up a rock, asked me if I’d go out with him. i said yes. not because I was stupid or thought I was in love because I wasn’t, and I didn’t/ But because he was my best friend, and even if I wasn’t in love with him, I did love him. So I said yes, kissed him and stood. He pulled a lightweight, shiny black rock from his pocket, got on one knee and said, “Hannah, will you murry me?” It was an inside joke. I said yes, laughed, took the rock and wated to cry I was so deliriously happy. I knew we were going to work. We had some rough patches but made it through. Then came the day I think I fell in love with him a little bit. And I won’t admit it to anyone, not even myself. My mom had driven me to Walgreens, to buy some materials for a Social Studies Project. Jeremy and I had been texting and he’d just been there for the same reason. I was bitterly disappointed to miss him. So I got my stuff, and met up with my mom. She started walking towards the register but I trailed behind a step or two. I was walking slowly, sad I didn’t get to see Jerbear. I looked up at the sound of the automatic doors to the left of the register. And there he was, coming back to buy a different set of colored paper. I missed a step unnoticeably. The sight of him made my heart literally stop for a moment, then swell with a rush of warmness. Jeremy, who I was so comfortable around was making me so jumpy, I was tingling and I was more jittery than getting on the bus that first day. Since then, it’s been nothing but arguments. But they’re so worth to have him. I can’t even describe how bad I feel sometimes, but then he looks at me, or smiles, and there goes m problems. Love is nothing more than setting fire to best friends. It’s still arguments and silly fights. What changes is how they affect you and how you’d put up with them just to be with that person. Even if they don’t feel the same way. Because you do, and that’s enough.

(Screen) Name: hannluvsj

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