Opening those pages of my life when “Jerk” was with me. I used to call him jerk. Lol. He was a resident in my college and so I knew him since 3 years as a person before I actually got to know him personally. Everyone including professors, seniors, juniors, staff loved him because he is actually a good human being and a kind-hearted soul. Whenever we talked with each other, it was always related to studies until that night when result of his post graduation exam was declared. I congratulated him on messenger at around 9 pm and I don’t know how we started talking about other stuff (which didn’t include anything regarding studies). In the middle of that conversation, we exchanged our contact number and started chatting on whatsapp. But, this wasn’t a usual chat. It was something very new for me and I don’t know why I wasn’t feeling like to even end that chat, and probably neither he wanted to. Even after telling ‘Bye” to each other, we kept on chatting and didn’t realize it was almost 3.30 am. I didn’t want that night to end up; I wished time stops for a while. But, unluckily it was a time to end the chat, as he had to wake up early to go to hospital.

Woke up next morning and my mind was all covered up with the thoughts about him and the chat that we had the previous night. I was blushing and getting pink thinking about him and his few words that made me feel so special. And, then we started chatting with each other almost everyday and it used to give me those special vibes all over my body. Initially, I tried not to react to his flirty messages but then it was getting so difficult to hide my feelings for him. I knew there was no future with him because I was already on a path that was leading me to another country and he had almost settled in my home country. Also, there was no hope from the family side. I knew they wont have accepted him as society just accuses parents if the girl tries to get in a relationship with a guy of her own choice and I never wanted to be a reason due to which my parents have to keep their head low. So, all these things were continuously hammering my mind. I was accusing myself for falling for a guy that is going to lead me nowhere but then this is what love is all about. Love just happens without any reason. And, it was ofcourse impossible to not fall for my Jerk. Haha!!! At last I just thought to go ahead with the flow and kept all my worries aside.

It continued thereafter. Waiting for his message became a daily routine. I was never in a relationship with any guy and it was something new for me. Getting kissing emojis from him used to make my day. I used to constantly look at home screen of my phone to check for any notification of a message from him. And, when I used to get that, I used to be on ninth cloud. One day, I posted a picture on social media and I received a text from him praising me, and it made me feel gleeful. In the middle of the conversation, he said, “I wish I could kiss you”. I was speechless and sent him smiling emojis. Next, he said, “Lets do it.” “Close your eyes.” And I was like what’s going on. I sent him an emoji (monkey closing his eyes with hands). He messaged “Let me hold your hands” “I will kiss your both eyes” “Now your nose” “Then your cheeks” “Your lips”… And to all these messages I just replied him with emojis. It gave those vibes to me. It was like a kind of shock passing all over my body. Next, he said, “What you are wearing?” I replied “Clothes”. To this, I think he realized I was getting uncomfortable and so he said “Okay. So now its better we stop here and sleep”. Though I was literally shivering during this conversation and could feel my heart beats, I still didn’t want it to end. I wanted to know what he wants to do now. So, I texted him, “What if I let you do this?” He then said, “I would now take off your top” “Would kiss you gently on your back now” “And now your abdomen.” Now this was the peak level of me having feeling of butterflies in stomach. I just replied with emojis in this conversation, as I was having no clue what to tell him. That was the first time; we got physically close to each other on phone. It was still a very pure chat I feel. Since that night, we started having chats of kissing, hugging, and getting close in bed.

One day, we had talk about sex. Things he wanted to do with me. He kept on messaging and I kept on replying and didn’t realize when it reached there down. I said what if it hurts; to this he replied very gently that I will leave it and wont hurt you. I replied back telling what if I feel uncomfortable; he said, I am sure once I am with you, you wont feel uncomfortable. I was so shy to hear that but deep down I was blushing. I felt wet down though it was just on message. At the end, he said we are doing this when I come there (Actually he was doing job at that time in other city). And I was like “Really?” I was so numb for a second. I never did that but then I trusted him so much and felt that I wont mind when he is the one to whom I have to loose my virginity. But, unfortunately when he came back to my city, we couldn’t meet. I was dying to meet him but circumstances were not in our favor. But, he felt that I was making excuses, it wasn’t true though. After few weeks, he got married to someone else. It broke me from within. I knew one day this would happen but I was still not ready to accept it too soon. It was like a dream when he was with me. I can never forget those 6 months when I could say that “Yes, he is all mine, and I feel he is my life.” It hurts when I see him hanging around with his wife, posting pictures on social media with her. I don’t know will I ever feel the same with any other guy or not, because it was for the first time, and the first feelings are always special and precious.

P.S. Message for him “If you are reading this, then I would like to say that you always thought that I was making excuses and I was just talking and I didn’t feel the same; but my love, trust me I was always dying to hug you, kiss you, and get touched by you. My feelings for you were never less than what I used to express in front of you. It was far more beyond then you can even imagine.”

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