This is an extreme May-December affair, playing in my thoughts. I am middle age and he is quarter of a century. I felt nothing when I saw this boy. Yes literally he is. But we are classmates in graduate school. As days went by, he is there in class but sometimes I even forget that he exists. Then something odd happened. I failed in one of this Math subjects. I felt the world falling in on me, as this means an extension of 6 months more and the comprehensive exams available year next yet. I am single and feeling alone in this big metropolis. I miss my only niece. The best times I had lately in my life is spending quality time with her, either at play, study, or simply going to the mall or park nearby, back home. While still absorbing the shock of failing, and trying to walk my way to the boarding house, my tears are beginning to fall and my vision blurred. Then I met him, this boy. Without asking anything he knew what I’m crying about and started consoling me. I didn’t hear anything he said, but instead asked him to have lunch with me. He refused and told me he failed too. Sensing that we are both in distress I did not insist and proceeded to go home. The next day, I attended class in a minor subject. My resolve then was to continue and do good with my other subjects. I saw this boy again, and after class asked me that we eat at a nearby mall. As I have other things in mind, I replied he has to wait until about 6:00 P.M.as I would still queue to pay for my credit card at the nearest bank. It was already past 6:00 P.M. when I finished my transaction and has all forgotten about his invitation. While waiting for a cab home, my mobile phone rang and saw his name and I was jolted upon remembering that I have a date with him. So I hurried up to meet him at an average diners place inside the mall. There, we began talking and sharing our plans. It was a good unloading session and I felt light. He asked for my YM addy and email ad. I still felt nothing for him except that I was able to unburden some of my thoughts regarding our office’s impractical way of putting me in a sort of exile by sending me to graduate school. Since then, I noticed he has changed. He would always take the time to go near me and every time I am online, he would just pop up and we begin to converse like we are long lost friends. I am beginning to appreciate his trend of thoughts and wondered how deceiving his looks and build can be. So young, his ideas and visions are so matured. I cannot imagine I am actually taking to a 25 years old! With body built that of a still going into a full matured male,he walks with a sure stance and gait like that of a person always in a hurry and wanted to waste no time. His hair locks are long flowing to his nape and curled at the end, they look like they need shampooing very badly. But it gives an aura of male magnetism, I am beginning to get attracted to him. I’m not sure if this is because I am feeling alone, but really his image is beginning to stick into my thoughts. Meanwhile, he maintained being friendly, and would even bring some drinks knowing that I am diabetic. At times he would volunteer to buy me lunch, as I am one who finds walking into the canteen an ordeal because it is hot walking on that asphalt road leading there and falling in line for food is a task. Our chatting has become regular and I’m really beginning to fell close and fall for him. He treated me like I’m the most beautiful creature that ever walked this earth and his patronizing me in his reports made me feel so uncomfortable, our classmates are beginning to tease him which he didn’t mind at all. I realized that I am beginning to feel as if he owns me. And it made me feel so ambivalent. As a woman, he acted like a love struck man and no full blooded woman can ever resist enjoying this kind of attention. On the other hand, I feel so guilty for feeling so, knowing that this would take me nowhere except being left dumped somewhere when the academic year is over. I am beginning to avoid him, and has since then never ever gone out dining or even taking some light snacks with him. I always find ways to avoid him and not even taking a look into his direction. But this didn’t work. The more I avoided him, the more he finds ways to get near. I am always uncomfortable when he is around but tried to act cool and collected even if I feel my heart is beating so fast. And all of this at 50 years old!!!? Until this writing he is still very much around. One time in his offline, he commented that he felt I am always on a detached mode. I find valid excuses like I’m busy doing my class reports, which are true. But the real truth is, I feel he is now beginning to read my mind and heart. And I feel he is playing with my emotions and I look so vulnerable. On the other hand, I can feel his masculinity. The man in a boy’s body wanting the essence of female energy in his life. I am really holding on to my wits. Which makes it doubly difficult because trying to hold back strong emotions can be heart wrenching and causes insomnia. But the feeling that I am 50 y.o. always prevails even if at the moment my heart is acting like it has just experience the pangs of being in love and being appreciated by the opposite sex. That is why I am calling this piece a clouded guilt trip. Yes I want him and I want to love him so badly. But he thought that I am old enough to be his mother is holding me back.Until now, I find comfort in staying away from him. But each moment is a torture thinking about him. I can only wish this is all over now and live a full normal life again.

(Screen) Name: merry_me88