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Welcome to the Love Story Blog of Love-Sessions.

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Guns and Roses

Posted on : 08-05-2011 | By : Love Story Writer ... | In : Lost and Love, Romance Love Story

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I once believed that life makes circles,we jump from one to another not knowing if the previous one came to an end or if we’ll find ourselves again in familiar ground.This story is my biggest emotional circle,the deepest,the strongest…What others call “the first cut”.I guess it all started when i was 21.Who seeks a romantic beginning will get disappointed by mine,as it was not a love at first sight,on the contrary,it didn’t feel like love at all.I thought of him as a very nice guy,warm,polite,tender and somehow familiar,pleasant to be around although extremely shy.Bottom line:not my cup of tea at that point.He was great for a friend,but back in the days my wild nature was seeking a “dark prince”.And friends we became.He was in love with me and i didn’t even notice.All i knew was that i could forget everything when i was around him.I felt extremely comfortable,i was free and i was entirely myself.I wanted to be with him all the time,we spent hours talking,the days became nights and we didn’t even notice.The whole world just magically disappeared,every time we were together.We became tender and affectionate,holding hands,hugging all the time.But no,we said to ourselves,we were just friends.One night,after spending the whole afternoon together,i went home and i called him,asking if he would like to come over and sleep with me.I still don’t know why.But he came.And we slept together that night,and the night after that,and all the nights after that for almost 3 years.Though it took us almost another two months till we called it a “relationship”.Our first kiss was a drunk kiss.We tried to stop it afterwards,but we just couldn’t keep off each other.Still we kept claiming “friends”,our private moments were a secret till we couldn’t hold our horses anymore.Passion was blinding us both,more and more.But he was 18,and i was a fool to really believe this was going to work.I guess we should have called it off when he left for the army some months after.But back then,we couldn’t,we felt that the only thing we could do was try to make it work from a distance.I went for Erasmus a while after he left.I remember now,the feeling was breathtaking.I couldn’t be without him.And we made it.We were still together when he came back,but he had changed.He wanted out,he wanted freedom.I wanted the exact opposite:gain back the time we’ve lost.I suppose we had lots of things in common,but we also had lots of differences that led us to fights,we were so much in love that we became blind and egoists,and we both had strong personalities that couldn’t step back and say “you know what,i don’t care.i love you”.At the same time,we had a lot of exterior problems to deal with,my parents didn’t want him as he had lower education than mine,his friends hated me as i was stealing their childhood “belonging”…In three years we broke up twice but there was always something holding us together.We’ve tried a lot,i admit.We’ve tried so much to make it work,tame our individual needs to make it better for one another,so much that it had the opposite result in the end.Love turned to frustration,pressure,hate.We’ve always had a major difference.I wanted to travel the world,live abroad,explore.He felt safe in our home town and didn’t want to leave his family and friends.I was about to finish my bachelor and i knew that i only had two choices.Find a job in my hometown,forget about my dreams,try to make our tormented relationship work and lose my parents forever as they were not willing to accept him.Or apply for a master abroad,follow my instinct and lose the love of my life.I chose to leave,and as i expected,he didn’t want to follow.Breaking up was not easy,happened during a stupid fight that turned into a disaster.I admit that if he had,in any moment,tried to win me back he could have done so.But he didn’t.I started seeing somebody else for a short while but of course it didn’t work out.It was my safety pillow to keep my mind off him.Few months before i left,i knocked on his door,asking for a last chance.It was always me who returned,always me facing his rejections and trying to break the protective shield he always armed his heart with.It didn’t work out either.All we did was fighting and hurting each other,killing every hope remaining for love.And suddenly he disappeared.I left,i settled,i kept calling but nothing.Now i know he tried so hard to take me out of his mind.He was hurt because i left.And i know now,knowing him back then,that if i had stayed,we would be still walking our parallel circles.He found a new girlfriend instead,only a month after,claiming to have fallen in love again.”She’s way better and she’s the only one i care about”,he said.My heart was broken to pieces.My mind couldn’t cope,and although it’s been almost a year now,i still think about him quite often.I tried to move on unsuccessfully,probably knocking on one wrong door after another. Subconsciously,i just didn’t want to let go.Falling in love is one thing,and can happen many times in one’s life,but there’s one chance in a million to feel how i felt with him.And that i can’t forget.We had no clue what love was before we met,and we discovered it together,we taught each other about life,sex,passion,comradeship,support,devotion,care…But we also discovered how much can we hurt the one we care the most.We both made plenty of mistakes,but we didn’t know how.It sounds stupid but one part of mine is happy he found peace in the end,even if i was not the one to do so.The other part is envious of that 17 year old girl he calls “love”.But if love is a game then i lost.And i’ve learned to live knowing that he’ll always be a part of me.I’m single,not available,trying to make the best out of my days here.In the end,it was my choice to leave,and it feels like the right one after all.I couldn’t find love,but i found my peace of mind in other aspects of life.I guess i’m happy with that.

(Screen) Name: Stalitsa

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