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Welcome to the Love Story Blog of Love-Sessions.

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A Modern R&J

Posted on : 09-06-2009 | By : admin | In : Romance Love Story

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Things in my life had been crazy for the past two years. I went through ordeals that no person should have to go through. In an attempt to hide all of my emotions (because I wasn’t allowed to have any) I got into the night scene, going out to bars with my girlfriends, getting drunk, experimenting with drugs, and of course meeting men. No one knew me, no one understood me, everyone knew me as a girl who was fun and a bit wild and they were drawn to me for that, but that was just the surface, no one knew the pain that was in my heart. My self destruction was getting out of hand, so I decided to go to Mexico to visit with my father. I had only started talking to him again about four years prior to that and our communication was shaky. He left when I was a young girl and no one knew where he was for years until he passed through New York when I was sixteen and got in touch with me.

I was going to be there for two weeks, it seemed like a good amount of time to get away, and little did I know that it would never be enough. My father had previously worked for a hotel that was on the beach so he made arrangements that I could use the beach and pool of that hotel. I spent my days there with an array of men trying to talk to me every day, I didn’t want to bother, and that’s not why I was there. My father introduced me to the young man who lived upstairs, the son of the man who owned the building. My father had asked him previously if he wouldn’t mind taking me out in the evenings and showing me around. We got along well and went out every night.

I did start to sense that he was developing feelings towards me that I didn’t reciprocate, I thought of him as a dear friend but nothing more. This was going to pose a problem for me.

One night we went to this bar, he told me that it was a very low key comfortable place where there were inexpensive drinks and good music- exactly what I needed. We walked in and sat down and I looked up and saw behind the bar a man so striking I had to look away immediately. It was as if I had a memory of something very significant, but it was nothing that I knew. I always make fun of people who use the term déjà vu*, but that is exactly what it was. I knew him, I know I did and he meant something extraordinary to me, but I had never met him before.

I had always believed in love at first sight. I am a big fan of Shakespeare and Romeo and Juliet is my favorite of his writings. In the next few pages you will read how similar this story is to that one.

I wanted to look at him some more, but I didn’t want him to see me doing it and it always seemed like when I raised my eyes in his direction he was always looking in mine or when I did catch a glimpse when he was not looking he seemed to sense it and look my way. His features were so handsome, smooth skin, full lips and almond eyes. I knew he certainly attracted women, how could he not being so handsome, so this would not be easy for me. He also seemed indifferent towards me which led me to think he had no interest. Shortly afterwards the waiter came over with a cocktail on the house. I looked up at him and he didn’t seem to be paying attention so, I thought perhaps he had not been the one who sent it.

I didn’t know what to do with myself, this wasn’t like when I went out with my friends and I would see a guy I was interested in and smile, flash my eyes at him, raise my eyebrow as a signal. This was love and love is not won that way. Suddenly he came out from behind the bar and sat right behind me. This totally freaked me out. In order to see him I would have to turn completely around which would be totally obvious. Plus I had the strangest feeling that he was watching me and I felt like I was on the spot. Maybe he would talk to me I thought, but he didn’t. I left the bar without him saying a word to him or him to me.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and I couldn’t help but feel that there was something there on his end to, in spite of his nonchalant manner. I wanted to go back again but could not tell my friend why. As I said I knew he had feelings for me and I put him off by saying that I am leaving soon so I don’t want to start anything (I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings), so how could I tell him why it was so important? I don’t’ remember well what exactly I did the next two days and it is not important anyhow. What is important is that two days later (more or less) my friend and I were walking around the Malecon and through the people I saw the man from the bar. He was with another guy which I would later find out is his brother. He was looking directly at me. My heart jumped, but what could I do? It is not as if we had been introduced and not as if he had spoken to me, plus I already have already explained to you the situation of my friend whose name by the way is Oracio.

We went to the bar again and to my dismay someone else was working behind the bar. I looked around and didn’t see him anywhere. I went home with a sad heart, wondering if I would ever see him again or if the moment had passed.

My time in Vallarta was running out, I few days left. We went back to the bar, my heart racing as I walked in but once again, he was not behind the bar and my heart fell to the floor. We sat down and started drinking, I looked at the door and my heart rejoiced, there he was, watching me. I wondered how long he had been there and I did not know? I contemplated what I should do, time was running out and I had to know if I was going crazy or if what I felt was real. I went to the bathroom as it is in the front of the establishment to catch a glimpse of him outside. Somehow the guys convinced me to sing, so I chose a song by my favorite band. I sang Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. I was terrified especially knowing that he was there but somehow things were different here than at home, I had more strength and more courage.

I don’t remember exactly where Oracio and his other friend went and why I was sitting alone, but there I was and here was my opportunity. I thought it through and then got up and went outside to smoke a cigarette. He was sitting on the railing I smiled at him and said I just had to come out and get some fresh air as I was getting a little too drunk inside (it was the truth). He asked me to sit down and so I did, excited and nervous. He asked me if Oracio was my boyfriend and I told him no that while it may appear that way it wasn’t so, he was just a friend. I talked and talked telling him why I am in Mexico and so forth, and he was watching me intently but I wasn’t sure if he knew what I was saying. He then stopped me to comment on my eyes. And as many times as I have looked into the mirror at my green eyes and recognized them as beautiful, when he said it I blushed. A compliment had never mattered to me so much as when it came from him. He asked my name and I gave it, and he gave me his Ruben a song to my ears.

Oracio came out and tried to get me to go back inside, I said that I wanted to stay outside for a while. And I saw them eye one another up, and I felt I was caught in a vice. A while later Oracio came out again, we were leaving. So I said my goodbyes and then when no one was looking I gestured to Ruben that I would be back in 10-15 minutes. I went home, used the bathroom, freshened up and left again hopped in a cab and went back to the bar. There was a touch of fear that he may have left, but he was there waiting. I came out of the cab, he took my hand and we began walking.

We spoke to each other in broken English and Spanish and were able to converse very well that way. Somehow we didn’t need words anyhow; we knew what the other was feeling. He stopped and took a step down from the curb so that we were eye to eye (I am very short) and he kissed me, very soft and every so tenderly. This was not the kiss of a man who wanted to have me once; this was a kiss of a man who wanted to take me into himself for always.

We walked and walked and ended up on the beach. We looked at the stars and ocean. He asked me if I was in school, I told him I was and my interest was psychology. He in turn told me that his interest was in philosophy, a subject I greatly enjoyed as well as it was tied in with psychology. I should have recognized then that he was more about the soul and I was more about the mind and maybe that is why this story ends the way it does, but there is time yet for us to get to that. He sat on a ledge and I sat on his lap I started thinking, why now, why when I have such a short time left here, what will come next? He kissed me again sliding his hand up my shirt and into my bra. My body responded immediately to his touch and I know he sensed it. He pulled away and pulled my shirt back down. I wondered if I should have used more restraint? Should I not have responded that way? Was he testing my character? I got up and sat next to him and he kissed me again. He knelt down in front of and I knew this was something different, I knew it was important. We made love right there and I felt as if we were joined not just in bodies but in our souls as well.

After some time of walking, talking and occasional stops to make love again, I realized how late (or should I say early) it was and sadly I had to leave him as I didn’t want my father to get angry and I knew we both needed some sleep so we agreed to meet the next day. He brought me to my door and kissed me goodnight (or good morning). I went inside and felt something in my jacket pocket, a rock from the beach that he had put there, I smiled and kissed that rock and put it back inside my pocket and then went to sleep.

We had agreed to meet at the bar the next night and so I went and sat outside for a few minutes not realizing that he had meant the bar in the hotel right next door…. He came and got me and I could tell he had already been drinking for quite some time. I sat down and drank with him and then something bothered me tremendously. He was writing notes with someone, I think a girl that worked there. When I asked him he told me not to be concerned and that it wasn’t important so I dropped it, but I couldn’t help but think that every now and then he was looking past me at someone else. After a few drinks we left and went walking and talking as we had the night before. Then to my great surprise he fell to his knees in front of me and began to cry. He said he needed only my love, he begged me not to leave him. I held myself together but on the inside I was crying too. I felt the exact same way. The night before I knew he felt strongly, but didn’t know it was like this and while it broke my heart to see him cry, I rejoiced in knowing that he loved me.

He returned to my house with me that night and we snuck into my room without waking anyone and managed to make love again (we were like rabbits and had already done this several times all over Vallarta). We cuddled up and went to sleep for a while but eventually I had to wake and he had to leave before anyone else woke up. He said he would come back the next morning and so I waited anxiously for him.

The next morning I while waiting I wrote to him telling him how I felt. I was so anxious if he would come or not as I had no means of contacting him. He arrived in the afternoon and we sat outside my house on the stairs and he read my letter. The expression on his face let me know that he was pleased with what I wrote and happy to know that I loved him. We sat on the stairs joking around and my little sisters were teasing us. We decided to leave so I got my bag and off we went. We walked and walked, all over. I felt as if I could walk anywhere talking with him for the rest of my life.

As it got later I asked him to come back with me to see my father. I could not be disrespectful and not be there when he came home from work so he agreed to come with me. I was freshening up and he was talking in the living room with my stepmother for a bit. When I came out of my room she told me he was waiting outside. He told me that he didn’t feel comfortable in the house which troubled me a bit as I am a family oriented person and enjoy being with my family a great deal.

My father came home and I introduced them, I could see on his face that he didn’t approve and he said that I had to stay home that night. I stepped away with him and asked why and he said that he didn’t trust Ruben. What I found amusing about this is that certain things about each of them reminded me of the other, especially my mother’s accounts of when she first met my father. I reminded him that I am an adult and that I am not accustomed to anyone telling me what to do and that if I cared for someone that he would just have to deal with it. So he gave in, shook Ruben’s hand and then broke the news to me that I could not extend my stay as my plane ticket was not transferable. My heart broke as I wanted to stay there forever.

We went walking for a while, I thought it was cute the way he knew exactly the things that I found amusing and he knew just how to make me laugh. He also made me nervous as he told me more that once that he felt very possessive of me. Possessiveness is not something that I deal with very well as I am very free spirited and I wondered how long we would make it if he stayed that way. At one point we were sitting on the curb and I broke down as he had the night before. I poured my whole heart out to him and I don’t know if he understood most of what I was saying, but I know he understood the feelings that were behind it. He held me close and let me cry, he let me unload it all. When I was finished he dried my tears and told me that he loved me and that he would always be with me.

We met up with his brother and the three of us walked to the Malecon and got pizza. His brother had a better handle on English, but was also pretty drunk. He did give me some insight as to their situation and he brought up questions to me such as, how will it work when you go back to New York? I understood that he was concerned for his brother’s feelings and rightfully so. The evening grew late so they took me home. I wanted Ruben to stay with me again but he had make sure that his brother went home safely and I understood. The next night would be our last, he was working at the bar again as he was hired back. I agreed to come and meet him there and let him know it would be late in the evening as I had to spend some time with my father.

The next day was spent with my family; we went out for dinner early and stayed at the restaurant for a long time. My father tried to convince me not to go out that night but I told him that I had to but I would stay home for a while later than usual. I then left anxiously and went to meet my love at the bar.

I was having drinks watching the band play while he worked. There was a woman there that night, very drunk and behaving erratically. She was American but I could tell not 100%. She was there with a man who seemed to be possessive of her (there goes that magic word again). The argued and he left her there with no money and no transportation. I took her to the bathroom to try to help her sober up a bit. I looked at her face and could see that she had once been beautiful but years of hardship and probably too much partying wore her down. She started to cry, telling me her whole life too me. She too had an American mother and Mexican father who abandoned them when she was young. She now comes to visit him every so often just was I was visiting. I became frightened of her because I felt as if I was looking into a 10 year mirror. I knew the life that I was returning to the next day and I knew if I didn’t slow down I would be standing right in this woman’s shoes in ten years (she was only 10 years older than I but she looked about 20 years older).

I came out of the bathroom and went right behind the bar to sit with him, I was there to be with him not her and I thought it best to stay close to him. It was really better off because the woman began dancing around and lifting up her dress in a most disgraceful way.

At the end of the night we left together. I asked him if he would come to the airport the next day but he said no as he does not do goodbyes well. I did manage to get him to let me take a picture of him but he wouldn’t look straight into the camera and he rolled his eyes. We made love all night even in spite of my period. He held me again and we slept for a while but then we had to sneak out again before anyone woke up. I walked him to the gate and we kissed goodbye. He walked away not looking back to see that I fell to the ground holding my stomach and cried so hard that no sound even came out and I couldn’t breathe. I beat my fists on the pavement; it was all I could do to keep myself from running after him.

I came back to New York with a heavy heart. He was all that I could speak of. Some of my friends were fascinated others told me I was crazy and refused to even hear about it. And one of my friends, Chris, seemed very sad. He and I had been friends a long time and there was always something there but neither of us ever acted on it and it always seemed that when one was singe the other was in a relationship. At this point he was totally in the friend zone so I thought it odd when he seemed almost disappointed.

Two weeks went by and I sent letters every day, sometimes even more than one a day but I still hadn’t received anything. I know it takes forever for mail to travel internationally so I tried to be patient. Sure enough in the third week I received letters, all asking why I hadn’t written. As the weeks went by he still wasn’t getting my letters and then some of the letters that I wrote came back to me. So I sent them back. He had given me his father’s address in Guadalajara even though he was in Puerto Vallarta so that would explain why he wasn’t receiving my letters. Eventually we got it straightened out and our letters went back and forth in a two week time warp. I sent him a package for his birthday with letters and pictures and some other things, I wanted him to know how much I still loved him. There was a song that I would hear all the time and word for word I thought of him, even the tune expressed all of the love in my heart. I sent it to him and I wonder if he understood it… Pride can stand a thousand trials The strong will never fall But watching stars without you My soul cries

Heaving heart is full of pain

Oooh, oooh, the aching

‘Cause I’m kissing you, oooh

I’m kissing you, oooh

Touch me deep, pure and true

Give to me forever

‘Cause I’m kissing you, oooh

I’m kissing you, oooh

Where are you now

Where are you now

‘Cause I’m kissing you

I’m kissing you, oooh

Artist Des’ree

Little by little I was hanging out with my friend Chris more and more. He always seemed to be in the same bars as I was so he would give me lift home. Sometimes he would be driving past my block when I was on my way to work. It seemed normal enough to me since he lived a block away from me, maybe I was just to naive to see what was happening. He was putting himself there on purpose.

As time went by Chris began confessing his true feelings about me. I told him that I loved someone else. He told me that I was crazy and he loved me and he was right here, not in another country. I told him that it didn’t matter. But I was already becoming afraid of the intensity of my love for Ruben, my mind was becoming doubtful in spite of what my heart said. I started to fear the whole situation. And as time went on I began to substitute one man for another and trying to rationalize it to myself (even though it I knew how wrong it was to let one man have your body when another has your heart, especially when both love you). More and more I began to turn towards Chris just because he was there and I was afraid. On nights I got drunk and told him that no matter what he would never have my heart because Ruben was my heart. I don’t know why either continued to pursue me to be honest with you because I was terrible to both of them (but believe me in the end Chris paid me back for both of them).

So I went with Chris who was consistently unfaithful to me, as well as psychologically abusive. Knowing me for as many years as he had he knew which buttons to push and what words to use to hurt and manipulate me and he did it all the time. In the end I left him angry with myself for choosing him in the first place; but at that time it didn’t seem as if I even had a choice.

author: Laura Carlucci




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