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One Flesh

Posted on : 15-09-2018 | By : admin | In : Secret Love

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One Flesh

This is my sad love story. It is raw, very honest and blunt. Many will be repelled by it and think I am a monster, a crazy man, but it is my true journey, a journey to become “one flesh” with one woman.

Life presents many obstacles in search of the true meaning to existence. As a philosopher, I have done nothing, intellectually, but wrestle with my search for truth and the truth of my own existence. This has underscored everything I have done in my life. The same is with my search for real love. And, likewise, as I wrestle with seeking truth to my existence, I have also relentlessly wrestled with love. What is it? How do I know when it is for real? What does it really feel like? Is it resistant to all sins? Does it truly forgive wrongdoing? Are there different aspects of it? Is it just emotion? Or, is it the actual meaning of life? I don’t know, but I want to know. One thing I do know, and this is the moral to this story: avoid lying as much as possible when trying to figure out your own heart. Lying can become very destructive and the loss from it unbearable. Mistakes are truly our greatest teachers. Lying creates false perception even though the journey’s intent is genuine.

This short story is about my most honest and genuine attempt to answer the former questions about love. I have yet to answer them, but the last heart I connected too has been the closest I have come, I truly believe this to be so. I cannot engage in conversation with anyone because it always seems to work against me. The truth of my thinking would push many away, especially a woman. I have yet to spill the truth of my heart out with anyone because the words never seem to come out right. When I do speak from my heart, whom ever is listening, wants to hear something else. So I have found it best to simply talk to myself, or write to myself. What I have to say must be said and heard, even if by strangers. I must reveal my deepest sentiments.

Love, for me, over the years, has generally been something I thought I had to comply with. Love was something that I must obey or do, or try to make work for the sake of something else. It has only been recently, through emotional trauma, that I am realizing what real love might be. First, love may be something I will not be able to control. Second, love may be something I must surrender to and not try to resist for reasons outside of my own heart. Third, love is something I must be totally honest with. And here it is:

Early on, I signed the paperwork that showed the world I was in a committed and correct union with a woman. In this course of life, the right thing to do was make this work and raise the child that she bore me. I never intended to have a child. Love and marriage for me at this time was something I HAD TO DO because it was the right thing to do. The world and all its eyes found favor in this union. But my heart did not. I felt it was only right before an unknown god to marry the woman I got pregnant. And so the years went by and I went through all the motions, yet my heart was still empty. Why? This was what God said is right, right? I began trying to fill that void by what the world deemed as despicable. I started sleeping around with other women because sex had been emotionless. It was only physical in nature, a pleasure. I knew it should be something else, but I never felt that. Why not? If my marriage was righteous before an eternal God, why did sex feel so empty? I deeply wanted to feel love when I had sex, and I hadn’t yet, otherwise I would never look for it. My greatest desire then was to find a woman I could make love too and at the same time look into her eyes, kiss her lips and feel whole. I wanted to feel at peace in my heart and not just pleasure. This became a part of the meaning of life for me. I wanted sex to be fulfilling and spiritual. I wanted to be inside of her, whoever she was, and the act to become deeply meaningful, as though we had become, “one flesh.” I wanted to connect my soul to another woman by feeling ultimate pleasure of the body and at the same time feeling ultimate happiness in my being, by simply looking into her eyes during love making and feel complete from it.

In my mind, as a philosopher, to truly find intellectual truth, I had to study many ways of thinking. I had to read all kinds of books. As it relates to religion, I had to study many faiths. I engaged in all this study to seek out the truth for my own mind. My body was no different. Likewise, how can I find true love if sex was only part of it. For me, to find real love meant I had to have sex with different women until that special connection happened. The world sees this as immoral and sick. But it was not. I was determined to find that woman. I had to. I must. My body easily found pleasure, but my heart found nothing. I was on a mission to find the woman to not only pleasure my body, but to secure my heart at the same time. What was it like to experience becoming “one flesh” as the Bible said? How will I know it if that happens? All my life, that one statement in the Bible haunted me. You shall become “one flesh.” I want to become one flesh with a woman, and I knew it was not just physical sex, it was deeper. I could never tell anyone about my efforts. I was married and I loved my wife very much, I was just not “in love” with her. I also had a public life to sustain and children to feed. To make such an effort known would label me as a sex addict, a pervert, or a freak. But I was not addicted to sex; I was addicted to finding a woman who fulfilled the sex act.

So I slept around with different women, seeking my truth. After a short time, however, my interest in a particular woman would pass and we would both move on. No truth yet. No “one flesh.” But then, I met a young woman, Nikki. Nikki became the earthquake in my soul and I had to find a way to control it, but I did not know how. I wanted her to have my baby, literally. In all of my life, this was the first woman, ever, whom I actually wanted to create life with. I didn’t trust these emotions yet, however, because I had never experienced them. I never made this known to Nikki because I needed to know for sure if what I felt was real. Plus my marriage was in its 15th year. I was a public figure and the surface life dominated my intention and work ethic. I also needed proof that what I felt was genuine, real, forever. Maybe I was feeling something wrong or it was just temporary. So I simply pretended otherwise. I went though the motions again, as with the previous women, hoping for a revelation.

How would I know if this woman was the one? So, like before, we began a romantic relationship. Nikki was almost half my age, so the relationship attached some natural fears. These fears I made known through humor. What if I leave everything behind and Nikki falls in love with a young, handsome man? Is her interest in me for the sake of emotional security? Am I a rebound from her being hurt previously? How would I ever know if her love was real? Her words were not good enough. There had to be proof, a proof that was undeniable.

Our relationship prospered. I began feeling things I’d never felt before. I would always keep these feelings to myself because I feared that they might scare her away. We had wonderful times, going out, traveling, talking, etc. Even though we hid our romance, it felt so right. I loved holding and kissing her. It just felt right, comfortable. Nikki always wanted to be open about us, but my public life would condemn it. This was a huge struggle for us. But I still was insecure. I didn’t think the relationship was as good as I thought it was. I mean I was mentally prepared for it to end at any time, like the others. But it kept going.

Then it began going south. This was because I could not yet let go of my surface life. Yes I was in love with Nikki, and she was in love with me, but I would always play ignorant about our future because I feared the loss of all that I had achieved in my life. I needed much more. This being because I had finally found the woman I truly connected too while making love. I cannot erase this from my mind, ever. But the other fears created for me were anchors. The other fear was, is she connected also? Or is her love verbal? Yeah she said she was, that she loved me more than any thing. But as a philosopher, to me, they were words. I’ve always understood love to be like a fire. It purifies and burns at the same time. If Nikki truly loved me, as she said, would her love endure every obstacle? The term “better or for worse” comes to mind. Would her love overcome the worst? I had to know. Yes my emotions and love for her was very real, but at the same time I knew something was missing. I could feel it, deep in my heart. There needed to be great trauma or something that would put Nikki’s love to the test. I didn’t know what it was; I just needed to know before I gave up everything.

Now I had left my home once before, just to feel it out a bit. But there was something that kept holding me back from being with Nikki completely, what was it? Everything about her was perfect. Nikki had amazing eyes. She had an absolutely sexy body. She was intelligent, educated and compassionate. When I would put my mouth on her, time stopped. There was no greater pleasure. I loved to lay between her thighs and as I came inside of her, I’d look into her eyes and I was complete. Nothing was more amazing to me. I had found a sexual partner whom I truly loved. How did I know? Because I could look her into her eyes while making love and feel whole, safe and honest. She was the first, ever. I was dumbfounded. But I still had no conviction if her love for me was the same. And this haunted me, it scared me. How could I know for sure? Faith was not an option for me. I began trying to break away from her. Mostly because of the insecurities I had. I was not good enough for her. She would eventually leave me. I was of another generation and this may come to light for her at any time, motivating her to move on. She was half my age.

During our relationship I had lied to her about some things. I had told her that I was not having sex with my wife. And, I wasn’t regularly. My wife and I were like roommates, and it was actually a rare occasion. And when it happened, it was, again, just pleasure. Plus I used sex with my wife to affirm my love for Nikki. Sounds twisted? I know, but for me, I needed to know. In addition, I would also seek a connection like I did with Nikki, but to no avail. Also, I told Nikki I stayed upstairs in the spare room. And I did quite often, just not always. These were the two primary aspects of my surface life that I kept from her. And truth be told, I told many more lies to my wife and friends than I did to Nikki. With Nikki, it was primarily two simple lies. I did this to keep her in my life. Making love to her was so amazing, I needed to know deeper, that if she really loved me. So during this latter part of our romance, I spent most of my thinking trying to figure out what to do with my life. Should I be open with her to see if she loved me enough to forgive me? If she didn’t, then I would move on. Should I keep being selfish and keep lying until she finally had enough of the hiding? I didn’t know, I was trapped and it weighed heavy on my heart. I had let it get too complicated.

I knew that I loved Nikki, more than any other adult, and I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And I knew that I desired to create life with her, but I would never dare say so. I always spoke the opposite, to keep her off that trail, so to speak. But I also knew she said she loved me because of what she believed about me, which was that I did not sleep with my wife, nor did I have sex with my wife. This was my ultimate fear, that she would learn the truth and leave me. Could her love be strong enough to look past the deception? Could her love for me be strong enough to forgive me? I needed to know. If she understood that I lied to her to keep her in my life so that I could truly know if she loved me or not, would she accept that and hold me? Odds are probably not. So I held on as long as I could, while trying slowly to break away because I knew the blow would be to great for me to lose her.

During the last part of our relationship, Nikki and I had some rough spots. We became like typical human beings who could not handle their own business. We actually got to a point where we took charges out on each other. How did that happen? Is that love?

My wife knew about my interest and relationship with Nikki, just not the details. She had no idea how much I really wanted and loved Nikki. Well, one day my wife called Nikki on the phone. And all the truth came out to both women. Each explained everything to the other. Tragic to say the least. This was not in my plans and was the furthest thing I wanted to happen. But the ultimate truth was out. What should I do? Well, my deepest fears were correct. Nikki left me. She even said she didn’t love me anymore and that she actually hated me. My heart was crushed. I couldn’t blame her. It would do no good to try to explain to her what my whole ambition was. My mistake along the way was continuing the lie. Now I will always wonder if she would have stayed if I revealed to her the truth early on. I will never know.

This whole ordeal has torn my heart out. I truly thought I found my soul mate. I truly thought I had found the woman who would love me past my mistakes, past my circumstances, and she did for a long while, which I am grateful for. I should have been more honest up front. I should have tried harder at everything, but I kept my love for Nikki inside. I went about it all the wrong way. From this journey, I lost everything. I mean everything. How will I ever recover when I lost what I was looking for all my life? I don’t think I can start over anymore truthfully. I must accept my fate as who I am and continue to go through the motions as I have for so many years.

In the end, I lost my job, I lost some friends, I suffered embarrassment, we both got arrested, I attended several months of counseling, and we were both emotionally stressed. But it got to be too much when I ended up homeless, living on the floor of my office and eating out of cans. My income was limited because I had to keep paying my house bills, even though I was not living there. I had moved out months before to try and make it work with Nikki. But being without secure income from my primary job, I just could not make it work. I ended up homeless for almost three months, all because I could not bare to lose Nikki. But it all got the best of me in the end. I could no longer handle the emotional stress. I could not afford to move forward. So I moved back into my house and Nikki no longer communicates with me. Now, it’s only a matter of time, if not already, her heart will belong to another. I must now learn to settle with my lot.

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As for Nikki, I love her dearly, I always will, till I’m gone. I miss her terribly. I think of her every day and I still dream about her. I wonder what she is doing, who she is with, does she think of me, does she miss me, does she regret me? I even see her face in others. Making love to her and looking into her eyes haunts me. Even now, after Nikki and I have been through soo much, I would still run into her arms and surrender this day. I don’t think I will ever meet another woman where I would actually want to create life with her, ever. In fact, I know I wont. I truly believe that Nikki was the only one. I actually thought about getting her pregnant so often. I would never speak of this to her, but if I could, I would actually marry her by choice and freewill, not because I thought it was the right thing to do, but because I had become “one flesh” with her.

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